Moments
by Eomyn
Summary: She began in '00. He began in '04. She's writing a diary, he calls it memoirs. One day, they meet, and life suddenly becomes more interesting. Beginning with the pilot, a closer look at life in the first season...
1. Pilot

**Hello everyone! Here it goes. The first story I publish. Since it's Glee, it is a Finchel story. I really want to know what you think. Good and bad.  
Sorry for the mistakes, since I never had a beta, and English isn't my first language. I'm trying my best. Thanks for reading, and for reviewing!  
**_**Summary**_**: if Finn and Rachel each wrote a diary, what would it say? (and yes, boys write diaries too) It's only parts, sorry for the short beginning, but as I go along, this gets longer. I can tell, I'm a few chapters ahead. Right now I'm only writing one or two per episode, but if I get creative for more, be sure I'll get those in too. **_**Eomyn**_

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_(Finn)_

Rachel... _something_. The corny girl I'm suddenly supposed to sing with. I remember seeing Puck slushing her. That's about all I knew when I came to glee. She really has an amazing voice... I can't remember when I heard her the first time.

Sometimes I wonder why I came back to glee... I do love being there and I do think that I'm far from being like Puck, I hate torturing the _losers_ at school. And I love to hear her sing. And what she thinks of me. She told me I was better than everyone else. I don't feel like the stupidest kid around when she talks... because I know I'm not the only one not catching everything she says. Call me crazy, but who am I to let go of that feeling? Plus, she's kind of cute, when she's not bossing everyone around. Who thought something so _tiny_ could be so _loud_?

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_(Rachel)_

_Finn_ _Hudson_. Ever since 8th grade, when he defended me once against Puck and some others, I can't help but notice him. I thought of him as cute, at times even drop dead gorgeous. Like in the summer. But only sometimes. I'm like that. I like tall guys. Since there's like a foot between my height and his, I guess he fits the profile. I know he's not the brightest kid around, but he's in my good graces. Not much I could ever do against it.

And when I heard him sing... I wanted to thank Mr. Shue on my knees. He can _sing_. And a perfect musical match for me. I was disappointed when he quit, but I knew he could not stay far away. He's different. And I need a male lead that can keep up with me. I was right: he came back.

Oh my, I think I might like him.

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**They start a bit raw, since Rachel doesn't have any friends, and Finn's not fitting in either. As soon as I know better, this will get a better form.**

_**Edit: gosh, I so wanted to change those ANs and write more... but no, it has to stay like this. For better and for worse. It does go better as I go along.**_


	2. Showmance

**Here I go again!  
This is chapter 2, the bit and parts about _Showmance_. I know, it starts a bit short and slow, but I already have at least two side stories that will be added to the diaries. Just have to see where it'll go best. Next time, Finn will finally find someone to write to, then it will be Rachel's turn. Expect more or less a daily update - I'm currently in the middle of _Preggers_. If you really want to see a specific topic appear, just tell me so and I'll see if I can work something in. **

**And finally, big, big thanks for the reviews. I never thought I could appreciate feedback to this point! _Enjoy_**

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_(Finn)_

Quinn was talking. Yapping, actually. Lately, that's all she's been doing. I can't approach her anymore. She's so freaked out that I can enjoy myself when she's not around that she never stops. 'I wanna be Homecoming/Prom queen' (take your pick), 'you need to stay popular to survive' (okay, she might not be wrong on that one, even if singing in front of the whole school wasn't as bad as I thought it would be), 'leave glee' and 'I don't want my boyfriend to be a loser' (thanks, Quinn).

What if... I don't wanna be Homecoming/Prom king? Prom is in two years. I begin to really doubt we'll make it that far. She's always criticizing, never complimenting. Everything is always about her. Her. Her. Her. The only thing that got me through the day with her was the hope to get second base with her. Feels like Quinn's pants are overrated. And then? But what if Rachel was right? She was like _nirvana_ with words like that. I'm never leaving glee. Maybe she can teach me other stuff, like dancing. And I love hearing Rachel sing. Rachel Berry has a beautiful voice, and I'm not the only one to think it. And she makes me feel so good about myself.

And I kissed her. I wanted to. I just wasn't prepared for the way I was going to feel while doing it. I thought guilt and shame. Shame for my little problem, sure. Guilt ? Not even close. It felt too damn _good_.

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_(Rachel)_

My knight in shining armor... okay, Rachel, calm down. No, seriously, he defended me -us, okay, us- once again. Against Quinn. I couldn't believe my ears. He got a little worried when we had to sing in front of the whole school, and I got a little worried he'd actually do it when Kurt slapped his ass. But I turned things around. Disco coming back was _so_ 17 years ago! Time and taste changes, and this last decade or two, for the better. This week, I discovered that Mercedes had a voice too. Not as fine as mine, but still very good in her style. And he still always went with me: when I got us called into Mr Higgin's office for fraud use of the Cheerio's copy machine, and when I told everyone what we should do instead of disco.

I loved to watch his reaction at my little speech to the celibacy club. According to my research, contraception is the best way to be prepared for adulthood without risking a pregnancy that would cut short every dream we ever had. Maybe the song was a bit too pushy, and the result not exactly the one I was looking for, but we still had the possibility to show everyone what we could do. And we got standing ovation!

I loved to dance with him. It felt really good. And he's not that good a dancer. But it's okay. His voice and manners make up for everything else. Except running out like crazy _after_ kissing me. I passed over his speech saying I was crazy for his little comment about me touching his heart. I would have overlooked everything for his little supportive remarks and light touch. And his kisses. But even if guilt made him run back to Quinn, he didn't have to pretend to actually like me and make me like him more. That wasn't appreciated at all, Finn. I am very disappointed in you.

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_**Edit: well, those daily updates went right out of the window as the size of the chapters grew. From a thousand words then, I flirt with ten times that now. I'm finally okay with the people Finn and Rachel write to, and I'm just setting off to write the messy ride that are the back-nine episodes...**_


	3. Acafellas

**Chapter 3 coming up! _Acafellas_**

**When I first wrote this chapter, it was shorter. Then, reviewing it yesterday, I realized that I missed some parts... like Finn talking about Acafellas. It started as bits and parts of what they could think, on a few moments per episode. But with the diary side, it wasn't enough anymore. So, I extended the part. Because really, how could I have Finn not talk about Acafellas? It is kind of major for him.**

**As for the chapters, expect at least 22, maybe more as I'm not limiting myself to the episodes anymore. A few here and there will take place too. And I'm definitely taking into consideration a suggestion about make them find each other's diaries.**

**Thanks for the reviews. I'm learning fanfic etiquette... am I supposed to answer to each? Please, tell me. Don't forget to leave an opinion. _Enjoy_**

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_(Finn)_

And then Quinn joined glee. Okay. And then Rachel made Mr Shue quit. Not okay. At all. Her lame excuse-cookies were just that: lame. I tried to talk sense into to her. So I say I'd _quit_. And when that didn't work, it hurt. But I forgot, she knows everything best. She can be so annoying at times!

Life isn't all bout winning. I know. Our football team sucks, but we're still popular. I even tried to understand, and see if she wasn't pissed at me for running off last week. She kind of told me off, saying that I had feelings for her and I lacked confidence. I'm not sure about the feelings, but I don't really think well of myself, thanks to Quinn. Because joining glee didn't help me with her. At all. She's still bitching and yelling. At me. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to stand it.

Dakot-ass made me feel even worse, so I really did quit. And I loved Acafellas way better at that point. I'll always love Acafellas, even if we disbanded (that's the word, right?) a few days ago. Because of Rachel. But that was a good thing. Rachel made us all come back. I was very proud. Of me, but mostly of her. Under her bossy act, she really is important to our group. I'm proud to be her friend.

Acafellas... one of the best times of my life. I would have loved for Quinn to be there. Bu she told me she had better things to do (yeah? like what?). I was disappointed that she wasn't there, but I swear I could feel Rachel, somewhere in the room. I just know she had to be there. She's not only my female lead, she's also a real friend. And that's what friends do. They come see each other perform. On the stage, I had the time of my life. I think that I didn't suck too much at dancing (even if that would be kind of a first), and I definitely didn't suck at singing with the others. I actually even enjoyed not being the lead more. Mr. Shue does have a voice. I can see why he won Nationals back in '93. I felt so good I can't write properly (I think Rachel begins to rub off on me. Not that's it's a bad point. I can use a wider vocabulary). The time of my life.

I can't believe it's been five years. Five years since I started to write stuff up. Everyday stuff, what happened in my life. It started as one-liners. And I never directed it to anyone. But that has changed. Ever since I joined glee, I was in search of someone to write to. Because as you sing to someone (even if this someone is yourself), I wanted to write to someone. And I think I found my someone. My _dad_. The only person I can tell everything to. He's never going to judge me, but he'll be always here, even if I don't remember him. From now on, I'll write to you, dad. Sorry it's a bit messy. A lot happened.

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_(Rachel)_

When he threatened to quit, it was really hard to say that it wouldn't change anything. Because it would have. Finn is a great singer. And he's the rock that holds glee together. Everyone likes him. So if he doesn't like me, no one will. When I made a fool of myself insisting that we hire Dakota, I wouldn't listen to him. Even if he was right. When he asked me if I was still mad for the auditorium, I realized I'm not anymore. I was mad because I couldn't sing or talk him into my point of view.

When they all quit, it broke my heart. I couldn't believe the Cheerios had me, with my irrepressible urge to win and be the best all the time. I couldn't believe I was ready to make them all go through this. Endure a yelling midget doing nothing more than taking them down. I could feel Finn tensing beside me. And then he quit. I tried my hardest not to cry. The others followed him in what is probably a second, but to me, it felt more like a lifetime. So I did my best. To have them rejoin glee. When Finn lit up to what I was saying, I knew I had him on board. He had no trouble following me this time. I was very proud. And I got to fire the midget. That was the high point of that period. Okay, almost. The high point was Finn's full blown smile. I realized why I could never hold him grudge too long... my physiological reaction to one of his smiles is going stronger. He would have to get me really, really mad to have me not forgiving him almost instantly. But I don't want to think about that now. I'm more focused remembering his face...

I was there, in the shadows, when Acafellas sang. I absolutely loved it! So sexy, even with Coach Ken and Puck in the group. They can sing. But Finn... I already know why he's my male lead. I'm never gonna get tired hearing him sing. And when he pointed his fingers _'G__irl you know I'm hooked on you_', I'd love it if it were be at me. But I took every precaution to make sure that he didn't see me. He was amazing. And I hope Puck will be joining us soon. He can dance too. But Finn...

So there it is. After saying Finn had feelings for me, I just recognized mine for him. He became a really soft spot in my heart. And I don't know if he'll ever leave... I don't even want him to. Finn...

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_**Edit: that was the first chapter that more or less looked like something. Told you.**_


	4. Preggers

**New chapter is up! Sorry for not updating yesterday, but work got crazy the last two days. **_**Preggers**_**. Here enters Quinn's pregnancy... I finally had lots to write. Yay!**  
**By the way, I don't know anything about football. Okay, I went to one game, but that's about it. I didn't watch it all. I was there with the first aid service. I just vaguely know the rules, but don't ask me to say where every player goes, or why is the quarterback the captain. I don't have a clue. Excuse any mistakes in Finn's part. All my fault.**  
**Back on track... enjoy!**

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_(Finn)_

What a time I chose to write to you, dad. Sorry for the no 'dear dad' thing, but I'm already writing a diary, I don't want to turn it more girly than it is.

I did a good deed today. I helped Kurt. Okay, so I started by insulting him, but I really thought he was gay. I mean, he cares way too much about how he looks. He reminds me of a girl. Except that he's a _boy_. Doesn't that make him gay? Anyway, I made it up to him. And ended up helping my team too. He's actually a great kicker. The best one we ever had. It's not that hard, since the last one didn't score any of the 12 kicks he had to make. And we have people falling on each other and tripping at practice. No wonder we never won anything. I was scared at first, since he wanted to put on some music out there, in practice time. Rehearsal is fine, but but on the field, man? That only would have blown me over, had it not worked. He really had me scared. It was so hard to even get him a trial. God, I thought I was dead. I tried to talk him out of it. Everyone was laughing at him. Then they dropped their helmets. And then, they cheered! But he didn't listen, he didn't care. It worked! He scored!

And then, it came. The blow to my face. I remember being bugged by Quinn's treatment, even if her not yelling was a good change. I apologized for it, because that always works, even if I don't know why I'm apologizing for. Until she said two little words that changed everything. Or maybe does it count as three? I'm not sure. "_I'm_ _pregnant_."

After that, nothing.

My heart beat fast. Can't hear a thing.

It's _mine_. How?

I forgot I told her about my little problem. But I had no idea sperm (I forgot the right name) could swim that far. Right to... do they have a map? Or follow some kind of physical or chemical signs we can't see?

I freaked out.

She keeps it. Not that strange, she's all Christian pro-life. No contraception and no abortion.

Now, we're not getting out of town. Never.

I feel so _lost_.

What am I gonna do?

I went to Mr Shue. And I began by crying in his arms. I'm not gay (duh) but it felt good to relieve myself from all this tension. I was ashamed to tell him, but I still did. Because I needed help and I could never have told mom and I trusted him, I guess. Now, I definitely do. He listened to me, and didn't judge. He tried to help me the best he could. I need to get out of town. I'm not getting into college on my money or my GPA, so I need it to be from sports. Or glee. But that I didn't say. But mostly sports. And I sort of discovered the school's library. Been there a long time and barely knew it even existed. Or that you could rent books. But then I succeeded to convince Mr Shue to teach the team how to dance. Loosen up. Everything it takes to win, right? I need a scholarship. And I do like glee. So if we're enough to be on Sectionals and Regionals, we'll all win.

Taking it to the boys was harder. They didn't want to appear like sissies because they learned to dance. They needed man-ness. We all do. The thing is I already know I am one, and I'm not going to stop singing just because others say I should. So I gave examples. Some are even lighter on the brain department than I am. I reminded them of one thing: Kurt's the only one scoring, all the time. Practice and all. I think that made them flinch a bit. But Puck's all no-no with this. Well, I'm not going to let him the choice, am I? And Coach Ken isn't either. And he can dance, so I really don't see here the problem is. The little possibility of scoring a hot mom after the game? Yeah, and the element of surprise. And being performers. I think I had that written down somewhere in my locker. But since I forgot the paper, I forgot that too. '_Don't tell me that you would be on your head if the other team started busting a move on the field.'_ Gosh, Kurt can be a genius. And it was really effective to keep Quinn and the baby out of my mind. Until dance practice. Because we were in the glee club room. And then Puck made me spill it when he made some comment about my being gay. So I just told him. And then walk off, not really caring for his reaction.

And I had to re-convince everyone out in the field. But I didn't do it right away. And I saw the look Kurt gave me. But I couldn't do it. I wanted to know if we could win without it. And we couldn't. I think everyone ate grass. We were being tossed over like chips. So, a few seconds before the game's end, I had a time out. Puck doesn't want to be a joke. So he mouthed back to the other team, and we busted a move on the field. Everyone was with us. And Kurt scored. And we won. We won. Kurt got an ovation by the team, Puck got to score (probably in both ways), I got Quinn happy. We won! I was proud of my team. The first match in.. a long time. But, curiously, I don't feel any better.

The baby thing is finally getting to me. I'm gonna be a _dad_. And I'm going to do everything to help Quinn out. Because I got her in this mess. So I got her my baby blanket. The one that you gave me. And I'll support her, which means I got to find a job. And protect her from the asses like Puck. What got into his system? He was never so mean to her before. I know what I should do, but if I look underneath it all, I still feel lost.

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_(Rachel)_

I stormed out of rehearsals today. Again. But I think it has a great impact on my fellow glee-clubbers. All the fault to Mr Shue. He _HAD _to give the Maria part to Tina. I do like Tina, but this _is _Side Story. No way I'm not singing Maria. We have so much in common. She's a Jew. She's an exceptional singer and a great dancer. And she falls for someone on the opposite teams. And I'm not even stretching it. Glee is glee, but there's still a big difference between geeks and popular kids. Even if we don't shoot each other, the slushies still count. I couldn't believe Mr Shue choose someone else. He's not giving me every opportunity to be a star. If some song comes along and I'm not the perfect singer for it, then I'll gladly leave it to someone else. But not Maria! Maria is _my _treat.

But then, salvation came. The high school musical is doing Cabaret this year! And I got the lead part! I discovered the audition's sheet on the bulletin board at the end of the last period, so right after I signed my name, I went straight home to practice. Celine Dion audition... _Taking Chances_ seemed the perfect choice. And it was. I poured so much into it, sang with so much fire and emotion, I could have failed to get the part. And it worked! "Congratulations, miss Sally Bowles. You just have landed the lead." I'll never forget it! I'll never forget the feeling of finally being a star. Being the star of a musical. Our former creepy glee club teacher at least got me that chance. (He still doesn't know I was responsible for his being expelled.) He came back, and he noticed me. You just can't fight _karma_.

When Mr Shue heard about it, he came to see me. And... it was fine and all, I even did recognize my own faults - which are ofter overshadowed by my talent - for being conceited and difficult and such. But at least I'm a real star. I'm the lead. Permanently. I don't really feel like I'm carrying any of the others glee members' weight just by being myself. And I actually love to feel so good. Some fellow singers could use a little more confidence. But I don't. I already know what my purpose in life is. And I'm not going to stop until I've reached it. I don't have any benefits of being in glee, except for being the lead. And I can't see myself going back if I'm not that anymore. And I'm sure Mr Shue isn't my only fan. At least, I hope so. But thinking about that is depressing. I'm finally a star!

I came back to glee two days after because they asked me to. With the game win, we now have twelve members. Which means that we qualify for Sectionals and Regionals. At least, they had twelve. We got three new males voices. Puck -the slushy thrower-, Matt and Mike. But they lost me when Mr Shue refused to give me _my_ solo back. So I believe I'll content myself with being the star in only one music class. But hey, I already am! Cabaret, here I come!

Now that I'm really going to be a star – it's the high school musical, but you have to begin somewhere - I need someone to write to. I thought about my mom, but I don't really feel it. She left me, so I don't think she really cares. I can't talk to my fans, because I would have to let out too much. My dads are overprotective, and I'm not sure what they would say if they knew for Finn... And he won't do either, since I feel him sadly so out of reach. So I'm just going to write to my diary. After all, you're the one I can tell everything to, and you won't judge me. Or respond. But I'm okay with that. I just need someone to listen.

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_**Edit: Rachel writing to her diary, not settling well with me. Eight chapters later, I have another idea. And it finally works. Also, the first where I definitely reproofed myself. It was of use. Thanks to those who told me the errors of my ways.**_


	5. What's up

**Chapter 5: _What's up_**

**First side story, takes place between **_**Preggers**_** and **_**The Rhodes not taken**_**. Finn feels lost and hears a song in his house... don't forget to review. Thanks ! **  
**Disclaimer: ****I don't own **_**What's up**_**, nor Glee, so don't sue.**

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September 26, 2009

Dad,

Today, I was up in my room, trying to think over the new developments in my life. I was hungry, and mom had just called me to dinner – since I'm not an early riser, I don't really eat lunch. And a song was playing. And I related to it. I could never sing it, as the woman was hitting way too high notes, but I still researched it over the Internet and there it is, dad. This sing is older than me, it was made back in '93. It made me feel better.

_16 years and my life is still  
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope  
For a destination._

What will my life become now? I can't be stuck here for life! I can't be one of those high school dads and work at a dumb job because I have no choice. I have a kid to support, but I also have a life! And I don't know how to make it both work. I really need an education.

_I realized quickly when I knew I should  
That the world was made for this  
Brotherhood of man  
For whatever that means_

Why do I feel like I just lost all of my friends? I can't tell them what's going on. Except for Puck, but he kind of made me say it – or I was never going to hear the end of it. I was in a Brotherhood, the Brotherhood of Glee. Now, I'm still in, but I'm also out. And I miss it. I want to be myself again. The dumb kid with friends and not a real worry in the world.

_And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed  
Just to get it all out, what's in my head  
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar  
And so I wake in the morning and I step  
Outside and I take deep breath  
And I get real high  
And I scream from the top of my lungs  
What's goin' on?_

I can't sleep. I can't think. I want to shout at the top of my lungs, but I hesitate and keep it all boiled up inside. I'm not the only kid in school with a pregnant girlfriend, but I'm the only one who got someone pregnant without having sex. And she's the only president of the celibacy club. So yeah, I don't feel exactly normal. So when I finally close my eyes from tiredness, and then open them again to begin a new day, I can't help but deep-breathing in loads of air. I don't want to choke on my feelings first thing in the morning. School is hard enough. And then, I scream. Or try to. But it comes out a whisper. _What's goin' on?_ Why me? Why me?

_And I sing hey-yeah-yea-eah, eah hey yea yea  
I said hey! what's goin' on  
And I sing hey-yeah-yea-eah, eah hey yea yea  
I said hey! what's goin' on_

At school, I try to bury it in. And I go around in the hallways and cheer and go like every day. And I sing to cheer myself up. But it's all a charade. If they only knew...

_And I try, oh my God do I try  
I try all the time  
In this institution  
And I pray, oh my God do I pray  
I pray every single day  
For a revolution  
_  
And I try and tell myself that I'll remain the popular quarterback boy, the cool guy, the one dating head cheerleader Quinn Fabray. And every day, I hope that when it shows, things would have changed, that our status won't go down thee minute everyone finds out. I hope for change in a school I never before wanted to make accessible for anyone different. I hope. That's all I can do. Hope.

_And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed  
Just to get it all out what's in my head  
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar  
And so I wake in the morning and I step  
Outside and I take deep breath  
And I get real high  
And I scream from the top of my lungs  
What's goin' on  
And I sing hey-yeah-yea-eah, eah hey yea yea  
I said hey! what's goin' on  
_  
And I shout, and I cry, and I sing, and I scream. I get out to the wild, and let out all those bubbled-in feelings that threaten to crush me under their weight. And I know that all I really need, is a friend.

_16 years of my life and still  
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope  
For a destination_

All I need is a friend. A friend who will show me the way, a friend who won't judge me, a friend who will help me sort it all out, a friend who will help me find work or be better at school. And I know that until I get that friend, life isn't going to be easy. It isn't going to be easy at all. But I hold on. I hold on for the future. Because I learned a thing. I learned to hope.

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**Next chapter coming up soon. It'll be a bit long. **  
**Until next time... **  
_**Eomyn**_

_**Edit: first song I used... I love it so damn much! It'll be back... later. He's still looking for a destination, you know?**_


	6. The Rhodes not taken

**This chapter took me forever to write. I had completely forgotten that **_**The Rhodes not taken**_** had so much on the Finn/Rachel side. I even seriously considered splitting it up, even just for the bowling date. But everything is an ensemble, so it stays in one long chapter. And it is very important for the rest of the season. So I took my time... 7,000 words worth. ^^  
And you absolutely **_**have**_** to tell me what you think about it, or if you think I forgot to talk about things. Thanks to the ones who review. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy!**

_(Finn)_

Dad,

I can't help but feeling weird lately. Now that Rachel's not here anymore, Quinn's handling all the solos. When she can. We were singing Don't stop believing, and she suddenly stormed out of the room, feeling sick. Damn those morning sickness! I hope it's true what the book said (I borrowed it, it's some sort of pregnancy for dummies) that it usually stops after the first trimester. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep making up stories about bad fish or bad meet or bad anything to hide the truth. Plus Quinn's on her feet all the time, and I don't really think that's safe, for her or the baby. Mr Shue is going to light her dance moves. By giving some solos to Tina and Mercedes. But not too much. I heard what the other kids were saying about Rachel. I miss her too. And Quinn can sing, but... Rachel's better. Kurt does have a point. We have a few weeks to make Rachel come back with us. We can't win without her. And I miss her. She was a friend, no matter what. But I could never tell her. Things have been complicated between us and I don't want to go into that again. I could not handle it all.

Then I went to see Ms Pilsbury, because she summoned me into her office. And she talked to me like she knew what was going on in my life. Had someone told her? That seriously wouldn't be cool. At all. And she talked to me about a musical scholarship instead of a sports one. She says it's easier to have one. So, maybe I could get a go at this. But I also know that we can't win without Rachel, and she tried to make me believe that we could. But no way, even she didn't believe it. I was skeptical, but after she told me to get Rachel back, I _knew_ it wasn't possible. So, that's my next mission. Make Rachel come back to glee.

So I went to see Rachel. And found her looking at her boobs. I could have stayed and enjoyed the view too, but I remembered that I had a girlfriend. So I made myself known and started talking to her. I think she expected an argument, but I went her way. Completely. I wasn't really that okay, because she was getting all drama queen but it was part of my plan. I knew she liked me a bit. And I remembered that I did too. So playing it all soft and seductive was really easy. I'm only sorry it was only play. Because she really is beautiful. I would have loved to go further, if only by not playing. So I approached her slowly, half smiling, saying I was available to help her with her lines. I said let me know, smiled fully at her and tuned away, enjoying her reaction. I was not enjoying myself anymore, though. As soon as I got my back on her, I felt guilty. Because I have a girlfriend and I shouldn't make moves at anyone else. But mostly, because if Rachel ever found out that it was just a way to have her come back to glee, she would be mad. Really mad. And I don't like to have her mad at her. But I needed to think about more important things than Rachel Berry. Like my kid, and my life. I needed a scholarship, and I could get a musical one. But we needed to win. And we needed her. So I don't really feel so good right now, dad. She's always been a good friend to me and I keep playing with it. One day, I feel that it's going to come back, and bite me in the ass. I'm really sorry.

In glee, Mr Shue introduced us to April Rhodes. Class of '89, if she had graduated. Mr Shue found someone to replace Rachel... approximately 20 years too old. Hey, I'm not apologizing for calling her old. And she looked kind of drunk. But I didn't say that. But I don't really like her. No one does. And she can sing.

That afternoon, I helped Rachel with her lines. It was an awkward passage about sleeping with someone. We only said a few lines before I started trying to have her come back to glee again. Except that, this time, I really wanted her back. I didn't like April Rhodes at all. She was doing everything she could to be appreciated by the other members, but I could not shake it. Something wasn't right. So I went all seductive again, but this time I tuned it down a bit. I remembered her reaction from before, and I already knew I didn't have to go all the way. And it was actually very pleasing. To know that I have that kind of effect on her. Not sure if it's going to last though. Rachel paid me another compliment, and that's when I decided to stop to act it out and simply be myself – almost. I didn't need to go further. Plus, if she knew the reason, I wanted her to be able to forgive me. I wanted her to still be my friend, always. So I told her I could join the musical if she came back, even if I really didn't have any intention of doing it. Sandy's just too creepy. And I continued talking. Until she said "elope". Elope? Really? I know it just kind of came out, but eloping is still running away, right? To get married, right? That got me scared. I wondered what she actually felt for me. I know she talks too much, but that idea had to come from somewhere, right? So I asked her out. She needed the distraction, and so did I. She needed relief from her rehearsals, because I knew it wasn't going so great as she would always let it on. And I needed a nght away from Quinn. I know it sort of sound awful, but since this whole ordeal began, I think about it twenty four seven. And I needed a time without it. Sort of, since it's still part of getting an education and a good life for my kid. So I said just us both. She was... she said yes. I was sitting by her by that time. And I do go bowling. With Rachel, I really do think it will be fun.

The next day, I was weird-ed out. I had to teach April the cues for Don't stop believing. I could not believe I would like to sing to an old female lead. I didn't understand Mr Shue at all. That definitely set me against April. She's not even attractive, I don't really see what Puck and the others find her. She's nice, but that's it. She'll never be Rachel. No one could replace her. Ever. So I tried to defend Rachel. It is _her_ part. And I saw the pain in her eyes as we began singing notes. I felt so bad. And I missed her so much.

**I know what you're gonna say... and the bowling date? It's coming up. Just after Rachel's part. Writing the same story twice wasn't going to be good. So I regrouped everything into a dual POV. I need to have them both at the same point before writing the date, because their initial mindset is quite different. Rachel begins, in **_**italics.**_** He's in regular form. I'm sure you'll recognize witch is witch anyway.**

_(Rachel)_

Ben Israel made me have my first interview after being cast. It felt great. Until he tried to have me take off my clothes. The little blackmailer! Undress and you'll have a good review, he said. Never. I'll never do that. And then my director came in. He's still creepy. So creepy. He seems not to have a problem with taking his clothes off. But, for my sake, he went out the room with Ben Israel and talked to him rather than to me. He's really... I don't know. I don't appreciate him at all.

I was looking down at my attributes when Finn came in, asking me what I was doing. My heat shot up on its own, and I tried to respond in a non-lame way. With little success. "Nothing" was all I could muster. But then I started talking to him about getting the star treatment, and being appreciated, and following the right path... and I don't remember what else. Having talent? I was expecting him fighting me on all this, saying glee was better. He was right saying that leaving it had been hard. Especially since most of what I said isn't even remotely true. He was approaching me slowly, responding to my verbal nervousness, half grinning, half smiling. I forgot what else I was saying. He really has a strong effect on me. Especially when he has all his attention devoted to me. I'm sure he noticed it somewhat. At the beginning I just avoided looking his face and his eyes, but then he was too close, and I always had him in my line of sight. He was so close to me. He sat on a table to be in my direct line of sight, and at my height. Never did he disagree with me. He was trying to seduce me. Or was I imagining things? Little did he know he didn't really have to. I wasn't thinking of anything but him and me, forgetting Quinn completely in the process. I don't think he'll ever have to work hard at seducing me. I completely fell for it. It worked. Like a charm. Hook, line and sinker, they say. Then he stood back up, with a crooked smile, and... I forgot how to breathe, how to speak. He wanted to help me with my lines... I said I had a lot of it. It's actually true, but I also wanted to spend time with him more and more. It was the auditorium all over again, except that he didn't kiss me. Ans he didn't run off. I wanted nothing but taking his face in my hands and kiss him again and again. He said I just had to let him know, then turned away, and walked out of the room. My knees were weak. I was speechless, grinning dumbly and waving my hand at his turned back. Oh, Finn...

later that day, I went alone on the stage, to sing M_aybe this time_. It went great. I love that song. '_maybe this time, I'll get lucky'_... God. If only. I really enjoyed it. A lot better than when Sandy's in the room. We were doing _Cabaret_ and it went terrible. He managed to reduce my self confidence by his constant criticisms. I didn't feel it at all, and I still tried, but he didn't like it. He said I was terrible. He had been saying it since the beginning. So I wasn't really feeling a hundred percent while singing with him present. I know it's just an excuse, but the fact is still there... I prefer glee club over this. Or maybe we just should have a new director. I'm not going to quit. He should. Even if it's going to get harder and harder from here...

That afternoon, Finn helped me rehearse my lines. I should say it wasn't the easiest part. Finn can say lines like he means it. He's a good actor. And he tried to make me come back to glee, again. Justifying doing both if I was there... I could only be glad for his being so loyal to glee. I was staring into his eyes, not saying anything. I think. Until I said "elope". God, it just slipped. Automatic response to his 'you know what we should do?' I never should have said it. It kind of ruined the moment with him. But yes, I could be talked into eloping with him... my feelings for him must be pretty strong, since I thought about marriage. Who am I kidding? _Of_ _course_ they are! And he changed the subject... a bit. Asked me out to go bowling. To relax... take me with you, Finn, I'll relax whenever you want. Wherever you want. Just be with me. So I said yes. Pretexting stress over being a star. By that time, he was sitting by me a the piano, from where he was, at the opposite side when we were just saying lines. I could have gone on like this all day. Sitting by him. If only we hadn't been interrupted. By April Rhodes, mature women and apparently member of the glee club. She would be singing _Don't stop believing_. I could not believe it! Finn defended me, and I only said thanks, pain in my heart. I watched him rehearse with her. It was more than I could bear. Having Finn with another lead female. Quinn, I understood. That April woman, clearly not. What is she? Like 40? That made me come back to glee. And yes, talent does age. Just not mine. It just got better.

And I cried after yet another failed rehearsal with Sandy. He seemed to want me to quit, and going all ends to be sure I would. But I won't. I met April Rhodes in the bathroom. And she started talking; about wanting some drugs (who did she think we were?), and the boys at the school (my blood boiled when she spoke of Finn in such disgraceful terms), and being the star back again. So I gave her a piece of my mind. She really had no business being here. I had already one teacher expelled, I think I could have had her expelled too, if that had been necessary.

**Now, whay you all expect... the bowling date!**

_Friday night. The night Finn asked me out. I think he's on his way. That's good because I can't rest, and if I continue, well let's just say that if my dads had been there the whole time, I probably wouldn't have had a roof over my head anymore. I spent hours picking up the dress I'm wearing right now. I decided to go all American. My top looks like a scout uniform, except that the bandana is imprinted on the shirt. And my skirt is all blue. This is something I rarely wear. Usually on 4__th__ of July. Red, white and blue. But then, I'm not sure what went though my head, but I feel good in it. Then I brushed my hair and put on the faintest touch of make up. Light lipstick, my usual mascara, and some eyeshadow. I don't really want him to notice how long it took me to get ready. I actually never went bowling, or even entered a bowling alley. I know thee game, but that's about it. I always pictured it being played by middle aged and ugly men playing it all Saturday for lack of a better thing to do. But Finn told me he often went. I'll probably have to reconsider my previous opinion. But I hear him pull in into my driveway. He's early, ten minutes actually. I go down to tell my dads again that we're just friends (I do understand why they have a hard time believing it coming from me) and that he'll be taking me home around 11. I barely reach the entrance when I hear the bell ring. I open the door, and he's at my door with a big smile on his face. My knees are already weak. This is going to be a good night._

Why am I nervous? My mom always told me it wasn't good to be nervous while driving. But I can't help myself. I'm dressed in dark brown and black because that's the only clean clothes I have left. But I actually look okay in it. I mean, it's just Rachel. So maybe that's the problem. She's the one who told me I had feelings for her, and I just found out she probably had some for me too. The last time we ended up us both it was in the auditorium and it didn't end very well. The kiss I won't forget, but I also ran away... we were way too close and I did feel something for her then. I don't think it's there anymore, but I really didn't have time to think about that. I need to do this. Not that I don't actually enjoy it. But it would be more fun if I had asked her out for the right reasons. But it's there now, it's coming. And I'm sure I'll be having a good time with her. I always do. I always enjoy her company. Plus, I'm on the road. I'm not used to being early, but my mom kicked me out of the house like an hour ago, and I've been driving around ever since. Why am I so nervous? Ah, yeah, I know. She's the only chance everyone has too actually have a shot at a musical scholarship. And I like her too. But I'm there. Ten minutes early. I jump out of my car, and make my way to her door. It takes me a few seconds to ring the bell. And when I do, she's already at the door. Have I taken more time than I realized? She opens the door, and smiles at me, in her outfit. I've never seen her in it before. She looks real good. "Shall we go?" I only say, just before leading her back to my car.

_I sit in Finn's truck, actually too worked up to talk. I feel comfortable around him, and at least he didn't notice my case of weak knees. He was very chivalrous, opening my door for me and giving me his hand to help me climb into his truck. Quinn is lucky. We spend a few moments in silence, then he starts to make small talk.  
'You ever go bowling before?"  
It takes me a while to respond. "Huh? No, never gone bowling. This is the first time. I'm looking forward to it."_  
"_Good. You'll see, it's really fun. What size are you?" Wait, what? He's asking me about my size... of the clothes I'm wearing? I didn't know I had to change at the bowling alley. I would not have taken so much time (okay, so yes, probably I still would have) if I knew it beforehand._  
"_Size?" I'm demanding an explanation, Finn Hudson._  
"_Yeah, shoe size. We need special shoes to preserve the layers of oil on the floor."_  
"_I'm a size 7. Isn't it slippery then?" Oil on the floor?_  
"_No, it's not. There's not oil everywhere. You'll see, I'll explain everything to you."_  
_"I'm counting on that." He makes a weird face, but it goes away instantly. Did I say something wrong? I hope not. I'm looking forward to spending a good evening with Finn. One that doesn't end up with him running for dear life. He changes the subject._  
"_So, how was your day?" Since I'm not in glee anymore, we hardly see each other on Fridays, just passing in the hallways. And it's between classes so we don't really have time to chat._  
"_Great. Except when I heard you all sing Don't stop believing at rehearsal. I really don't like that April woman at all."_  
"_I'm sorry about that, Rachel. If that makes you feel any better, I hate it too. And she never tried to be nice to me, so it's been hard to see everyone else giving in to her weird ways. Don't stop believing is a song that even Quinn didn't want to sing with me at first. And she got sick every time she sang it. In everyone's head it's your song. You're the best one to sing it. And frankly, you're the best female lead that was in Glee. It's only because you left that Quinn had to take your place." Okay, I wasn't expecting praise like that from Finn, especially over his girlfriend. If he continues like that, I'll be back on glee before he even knows it. And i've already been missing it. But I don't want to think about it anymore. We're on a night out. To have fun. So I try not to blush and just say "Thanks, Finn."  
Why isn't he my boyfriend again? Ah, yes. He's already taken. Quinn is very lucky._

We arrive at the bowling alley. Did I just say she was my favorite female lead? Well, she is, so I guess it's okay if I said it. And she didn't take it bad, I guess.  
I show her the way inside, pay for our shoes (she has small feet, but she is small) and take our place on an alley. I let her begin, showing her how it's done. Right after I have to reassure her on the coolness and cleanliness of the balls. She takes the pink one, and I see that it's a light ball. Good. And she's barely blushing. Why? Because I remembered that her favorite color was pink? Come on, that wasn't really hard. She's a real girl.  
I put my hand on her shoulders, and I feel her tense at first, then relax under my hand. I explain to her she has to let the ball roll. I must have forgot the 'you must to throw it part' because her ball only goes a few yards before ending up in the ditch. I can feel her looking at me intently when it's my turn to play. By the end of the first round, she has scored a few points in her last 2 balls. At least, she's improving. But that's okay, either way. I really enjoy this time with her. And I don't even feel that guilty anymore. I like taking care of her. And she loves it too, obviously.

_I'm really not good at this. It's Finn's fault! Why did he have to put his hand on my shoulder while explaining how it was played? I was too focused on his touch to listen to anything he had to say. Couldn't he just say 'follow my lead' and then stay next to me, but not touching? Then I would have gotten it right the first time. And he made fun of me for my pathetic score, but I instantly forgive him. He's grinning, and I can see enjoying himself. When he plays, he score some every time. But I'm too consumed by watching him to really pay attention to what he does. I can't help myself. I don't even know if he's a good player, I just know that he's here with me, and devoting his full attention to my little person. I feel so good.  
At the end of the first round, I scored a few points, and he's... passing the hundred points. He tells me the maximum is three hundred, but compared to me, he looks like a bowling genius. We take a little break, and we order drinks and pizza. Then we hear April and Mr Shue sing. I never realized she could sing before. But she seems to be more fit for his voice than for Finn's. Maybe I really should be back... _

As we wait for the pizza, we continue to play. She tells me to begin, and I can feel her looking at me again. In fact, I believe she's been looking at me the whole evening. But I'm not complaining. She's Rachel Berry, the best voice in the school and she likes to look at me. I feel like she's making a whole in my back... is she going to see that I enjoyed putting my hand on her shoulder a bit more than I should? I can feel my heart beat a bit faster than usual. And I'm not sure it's only because of the exercise. She makes me forget everything. Quinn. The baby. My duty. Everything I have to do but don't really want to. And I begin to feel it. I begin to feel like my connection with Quinn isn't as strong as it once was.  
Rachel makes me feel so special, so special. The pizza arrives as we only have one bowl to play. Hers. We sit down, not really knowing what to say. And I can't help but look at her. Her outfit is simple, but I love the way she dresses. I'm not a difficult guy. A girlfriend of mine has to be pretty in my eyes, no matter what the others think. And Quinn's not really like that. She's gorgeous, but that Cheerios uniform doesn't do it for me anymore. It stopped doing it the day I joined Glee. But we're going to have a kid, so I stay. I have to. It's my responsibility too. So I stay silent, not willing to ruin the mood by suddenly blurt out a really bad thing. And I keep my mouth full, so that I don't have to say anything. I knew I shouldn't have thought about that.

_We sit to eat, a bit uneasy. I can feel Finn's bugged with something, but I don't want to press it. If he wants to tell me, he can do it. But, for one, I'm gonna respect his privacy. We're having a good time. And I don't want to be ruining that too. We first eat in silence, then I feel obliged to say at least a few words, just trying to alleviate the mood. Clear the air._  
"_This is really good pizza"_  
"_Yeah, I think they import the peperoni from, like, Michigan or something." Sure, Finn. Probably before freezing it, then. But I'm still satisfied. He stopped eating and zipping at his drink long enough to actually answer to me._  
"_How's glee?" Maybe I shouldn't have asked that one._  
"_Oh, well, everybody misses you." He can't seem to quite look me in the eyes, like he's not telling the absolute truth._  
"_They miss my talent." I only respond, persuaded that's the end of it._  
"_No, no. We're your friends. We just miss having you around." Really? Some people in glee actually miss me? I can't really believe that._"_  
I love Glee, I just...don't see the point in wasting my energies on someplace that I'm not appreciated." I respond in earnest one more time. It's the second exit I'm giving him, before I get my hopes up. Better take it, Finn. If you lie to me, it's not gonna be pretty._

"I appreciate you." I blurt out immediately. What did I say earlier about not doing especially that? And i'm trying to make her understand that she has to be back to glee. I really want her back. And not only for my kid, I just realized. And she stares at me for having said those little words, like I had won something. I stare back, but before I know it, I break the moment – whatever moment that was – and I take her last bowl and hand it to her. And she's smiling. I mean really smiling, like I haven't seen her smile in a long time. And that makes me feel... real good. Special. Like she makes me feel when she's complimenting me. But this time, she only had to smile at me. She throws her last ball and... Strike! And I'm so happy! It's like we both won! I finally got to teach her something! And she succeeded! So she jump sin the air with joy. Ans I take her in my arms. She's so happy too! You have no idea, dad, how that makes me feel. Nothing else exists. I feel so good. For both of us.

_He releases his embrace, my hands still on his shoulders. Our heads are close, and he's not standing at full height, so it doesn't feel like he's a giant. _

There is an intense moment... she's lifting herself up...

_And I kiss him. I wanted to do it again for so long. And I feel him respond. Barely, but it's there._

And I'm kissing her back. Trying not to. Quinn, and everyone. But like the last time, I don't feel guilt. It just feels right.

_I break the kiss, worried that I just ruined our friendship. "Come back to glee" he tells me. I ask him about Quinn. "I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I just know that I want to spend more time with you now." he could have not said anything more perfect. He's not rejecting me, and he's not putting aside spending time with me. I didn't ruin everything by my bold move on him. But I couldn't resist him anymore. When I say that I'll have to quit the play, his face crumbles. He doesn't want me to give up my dream to be a star. Butt I'm not giving it up, Finn. I'm making it better._

She says "I'll do it. I'll do it." And my heart lifts up again. I'm still high on her kiss, but descending quickly, as I lie to her. I do know what the future holds. A girlfriend that won't change for at least the next eight months, no matter what I feel about her. A kid that will enter this world at the end of the school year. Rachel probably being very, very mad at me in the future as soon as she learns Quinn's pregnant. And probably after that never even considering giving me a chance. Other lies.  
I feel so bad, dad. I really wished I didn't have to lie. To her. She's really important to me. I can see that now. She has a strong effect on me, especially when I'm not fighting it. Like when we kissed. I know it's bad, but I can't help but feel worse for doing that to Rachel than for cheating on Quinn. At times like this, I wish I didn't have a kid on the way. She's beaming at me. And I feel... miserable.

_Glee, I'm coming back. I just found out I could do everything for that boy. I'm in love. And I hope, in time, he'll be able to reciprocate those feelings. But now, I'm content with being back and appreciated where I thought I wasn't. And I'm never forgetting this night. I clung to his neck for the longest time, not wanting to let him go. I was so happy, that now, back in my bed after he took me home in companionable silence (I was too excited to talk) I'm still high on his kiss. I'm still so happy! And all I want now, is for him to love me back._

_Monday morning, I had a line all prepared for my big return. It went like that... "Yes, you've heard right- I am returning to Glee Club. In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to a socially conscious charity of your choice." I was surprised by the lack of enthusiasm radiating from my fellow glee-clubbers. Well, until I heard the news, courtesy of Mercedes and Kurt. Then, all hell broke loose.  
Quinn is pregnant by Finn.  
Quinn is pregnant by Finn.  
Quinn is pregnant by Finn. By Finn. Finn. F...  
Everything crumbled down around me. My hopes, my world, my beliefs... all that I'd hoped I'd see in the last few days was a lie. And I'd fallen for it. Hook, line, and stinker. My head was dizzy, my heart shattering in a million pieces. Mu vision blurry, and my body tuned to stone. I couldn't move a muscle, or utter a word. And everyone was too busy taking in the scandal to even notice me. So I left. For good. As soon as I could move._

I still felt terrible for lying like that to Rachel. Okay, it wasn't all a lie, but if she finds out, she's never gonna believe it. So, instead, I went back to Ms Pilsbury's office to drop off my application for a musical scholarship. I was feeling better because I remembered that I had done that for me and my kid, for our future. I said I got Rachel to come back to glee, not dropping a word on the how, and she complimented me on what I could accomplish if I really wanted to. But what did I accomplish? Ah yes. A good future. At the high risk of losing one of my best friends. Should I really be happy for that?  
Then I was walking to my locker, with a smile on my face. Then I heard my name. Bu the tone of it, I knew I had lost.

_I saw Finn and my legs moved again. I stormed out, unnoticed and silent, except for calling his name. And having him stop dead in his tracks. And turn. And receive my slap in his cheek. By the sound of it, it probably hurt._

Rachel slapped me. And she knows how. I can still feel it. Or is it the emotional pain I feel? I tried to explain, but she didn't believe me. I didn't lie by omission. I lied period. I was surprised she knew. Who could have told her? And apparently everyone else in glee? And now, she's mad. Because I lied to her. Because we went out when I shouldn't even have asked her. But I'm glad we did. And I'm glad we kissed. And she's not the fool. I'm the fool. For believing that I could do it and not be hurt too. And I do have feelings for her. The only thing I'm not sure of, is how much.

_It's not the lying that got to me the most. It's the playing with my heart thing. I would never have played with his, had I been in a reverse situation. I would have tried talking first. Or I would have come clean, and then act on it. Nothing is worse than realizing the one you had feelings for just made you believe he could one day return them.  
And I don't see how I can take as a compliment what he did to me. Even I knew that, Sectionals approaching, I would have joined again, because they need me to win. I'm the best one in there. I was their lead female. I was his lead female. So I just stared at him in disbelief, holding back my tears. And knowing what you did was wrong doesn't constitute an excuse, Finn. Nothing is an excuse for playing with people's feelings. All I wish now is to forget that kiss. To forget that we ever kissed. And to forget Glee. Because I'm never coming back._

That kiss was real, Rachel. How can you not see that? How can you not see how I felt kissing you, or how I feel right now, realizing that your heart is not the only one injured in this? I have to put in a good face, but I feel absolutely miserable. I feel lost. I feel like I just lost my best friend. The only one I felt ever comfortable around. The only one I could be myself with, ant not just the popular kid, or just the quarterback. And I lost more than that. A future. Because I played with your feelings. I knew you liked me. And I lost. For good. I hope one day, you'll forgive me.

_I turned around, and left for home, heartbroken. That night, I cried myself to sleep._

_The next afternoon, I decided I was going to be a good sport. I had obtained from Ms Sylvester complete creative control over my own play - witch had left me with a sour feeling -, and I actually wanted to see Glee with April Rhodes in it perform at their Invitational. So I went to see them perform. I was in the back, holding my tears. Not because they were bad, but because April stole their light. They were so happy here, and she was the star, stealing everyone else's place under the projectors. Was I really like that? I needed to set the record straight._

April Rhodes saved the day by being able to perform drunk. But I couldn't help but being bugged by her being the lead. If I had not been such an idiot, Rachel would be there, not her. But I don't see that happening. Not anymore. Because of me. I'm really sorry.

_I heard Mr Shue being disappointed at her in the hallway, and I heard April quit. She had had her time. And she had realized it. That only strengthened my resolve. I quit the play, then headed to their room. Because they would need a lead female. And I couldn't let them down. I was willing to be an understudy, because I wasn't alone in glee. I had at least realized that. I chose friendship over being a star. I chose to pass momentarily over disagreements for the good of everyone. I chose 'us' over 'me'. Quinn and Santana tried to discourage me, but seeing Finn take the stand against her made me display the faintest of smiles and eased the pain in my heart I still felt over what he had done. I hope there will not be a next time. Next time, I won't come back._

Mr Shue went back to congratulate us, he also told us that we didn't have a female lead anymore. That would have meant hours of work gone to waste. We were all really disappointed. All making sad faces. And heavy hearts. Until I saw Rachel appear behind him. And my heart jumped in my chest. Because she wasn't like me. She wasn't going to let us down. I wanted to kick Quinn for still trying to expel Rachel from the group. Didn't she realize it was hard for her to do it? But I was willing to do whatever it took to have Rachel forgive me, not really caring what Quinn though. She was the mother of my kid, but other than in the next few months, I had no obligation other than moral and financial support. I smiled at Rachel and through what I had sad, she kind of smiled back. And something lifted out of my soul. She would forgive me, in time. I have to make it up to her, somehow. Next time, I don't think she'll come back. And she won't even begin to forgive me. And that is something I'm sure I_ can't_ handle.

_Mr Shue officially reinstated me. We were 12 again, with Sectionals and Regionals in sight. And it felt great. It felt awesome. I was singing with everyone again. I'm the lead female, and Finn sang with me. But he never lost his position as lead male. And he was constantly smiling at me. And half crouched, but he's so tall... so I made fun of him again, in my head. Felt good. The glee-clubbers helped me though the steps in the performance. I really felt part of a group. This is a new, but amazing feeling to me. I hope, diary, that it never stops._

I couldn't help but smiling all the time. I was smiling when we showed her the steps. I was smiling when I saw Quinn not really appreciate my smiling at Rachel, and I was smiling when we sang together. As leads. As it always should be. And I was sure she was making fun of me for being obligated to lower myself to be at the right height. This, this is the feeling I always want to find in performances. Rachel by my side, paired up together, happy, and funny. And I hope, dad, that I never make another kind of stupid mistake that has her infuriated against me. I feel so much better now, with a happy co-star. And I pray, dad. I pray for the feeling never to go away.

**God. What an episode. Next one... vitamin D. I think I'm gonna have a blast writing Finn and Rachel high on pseudoephedrin.  
Until nest time... don't forget to leave an opinion !  
Eomyn**


	7. Vitamin D

**Chapter 6 coming up!  
I really enjoyed the episode, and I think it a great base for that best-friends thing the first season is insinuating between Rachel and Finn but not really showing. So I added some out-of-school stuff. And, for time purposes, I made it two weeks between the Rhodes and Vitamin. I really don't think they can be friends again in less time than that. Plus there is the whole lifeless-laziness-tiredness thing, and it wasn't really showing in the Rhodes.  
I've never been on the other side of the Atlantic, but I still did my homework. For one, I had no idea your speed limits were below the ones in Europe. I have no idea if you can find every fruit all year in the important cities. Just go with it, okay? And tell me if too far off. Enjoy!**

_(Finn)_

Dad,

Last Wednesday, I confronted Puck about telling everyone Quinn was pregnant. No one else knew but him, Mr Shue (but I don't see a teacher go run and tell students this) and for some reason Ms Pillsbury. And he confessed it all, pretty quick. What was he trying to do? Destroy both mine and Quinn's reputation? I should have never trusted puck and have endured his remarks about my being gay. But at that time, I couldn't handle anything else beyond what had already fell on me. Now it's better that everyone in glee knows. I'm only dreading everyone else in the school...

Oh, and I made up with Rachel, dad. After a few days of her ignoring me, I finally cornered her into going to the drug store with me. I needed ice cream and strawberries for Quinn. And yes, she knew why I was going. And where. I had to drive all the way to Dayton, and I know it's an hour and a half one way, but at that point I would have done anything to have Quinn stop yelling for my lack of that specific fruit and ice cream. Ice cream is okay, but where in October can you find strawberries? So I went. Well, we went. And I don't really want to talk about it more, because I felt like such a dork when she explained to me what was really wrong that I'm happy that she can forgive me. I'm not sure I would have so easily if the roles were reversed... Rachel really is a great friend.

And Quinn. Yeah. I can't keep my eyes open these days. She calls me at every hour of the day, asking for something new. At school, she's constantly yelling at me. I had no idea she was that pain in the ass. And yes, dad, I know she's pregnant and all, but she wasn't all that nicer before. I just went with it because she was popular. And head Cheerio. Before, she was just saying I was stupid, and that I was tearing her popularity down when I joined glee. Now, she can't talk anymore. She just yells. At me. But only at me. So, now I'm wondering what I ever saw in her. Even if I know. Popularity. And she's still beautiful. But she's a bitch. And I don't think she likes me very much. I know she doesn't want this baby with me, she's just way too pro-life to ever abort. But at least she doesn't get as sick as she used to. Or maybe I'm too tired to care. That is possible, dad. I'm really looking forward to the end of the school year. I know I should excuse everything she says, but sometimes it's just too hard. And I don't have romantic feelings for her anymore. That doesn't really help me being understanding. But I try. And I stay with her. She still needs my support and all. She may never be my wife, but for now, she's the mother of my kid.

And yeah, I'm tired all the time. I don't even care... for anything anymore. I can't concentrate in classes, I don't look at Quinn's breasts anymore, or at anyone else's. I don't do homework, but that I never really did. The yelling and the driving I have to do every other day and the video games and TV wear me out too much. And since we literally don't have competition at Sectionals, even this isn't really motivating anymore. I was really into it until Mr Shue told us who the competition was going to be. And I was happy because I had just made up with Rachel. But now... I'm sleeping all the time – okay, I'm trying all the time not to be sleeping. I fall asleep everywhere. Classes, football practice, glee club. Because of the mailman, I never fell asleep at the wheel yet. That is a blessing. But last time I had to drive again those 75 miles, I fell asleep in the store's parking lot, after buying what I needed. My cell phone woke me up. So I told mom I just had fallen asleep -again- and quickly drove home.

The school nurse cured me! She asked weird questions about me and Quinn but that's okay! Football rocks! Dancing kicks butts! Rachel rocks! And I feel fantastic! Don't have to sleep anymore! No worry, boys! Never falling asleep again! I promise! I can't believe it! I don't want to sleep anymore! I feel great! Our mash up is gonna rock! It's my life is a terrific song! And Confessions is too! It's gonna be a blast! I can't wait to shop to those whiny girls what we, the men, can do! Even with Kurt on board! It's gonna rooock! Rachel rocks toooo! But it's late... energy is leaving me... must sleep... take pill... tomorrow...

But gosh, dad, Rachel. She's the only one I look at now. The only one I think about. No matter what Mrs. Shue said. If flirting is cheating, then I already cheated. But I don't feel guilty for it. And I don't care if Quinn takes her revenge, she can't be worse than she already is. And I always was more into brunettes than blondes. I love to hear her sing... she really has a voice. It's mesmerizing. And I missed that too when she wasn't with us anymore. I missed the emotions she was making me feel every time she sang at me. And I know she still likes me. I mean, her nose is too big and her breasts are too small but I still love her body and all. I was staring at her during her performance... wow. And she's my friend. She's my friend. Next to Puck -or lately before-, she's my best friend.

I doubt the school nurse knew what she was doing. Over the counter doesn't mean safe. Or free of consequences. Because we cheated on our mash-up. I think it was great because I don't remember it. And I got berated by Rachel. I didn't understand half of what she said, but it still felt like she was disappointed in me. And I don't like having her disappointed in me. I don't really remember much when I was on it. I just know I was all exited and probably went over the line a bit much. And my eyes hurt.

When I confronted Rachel about her cheating too, I realized I really knew her now. I took real pleasure in saying back to her what she had told me about energy in pills. And she couldn't fool me with her 'evening the score' speech. She's naturally honest, and this could have never make her feel good. Nor lying about it. But at least she seems to remember performing. I'm not sure I wanna know what I did in that performance anyway. So we made some 'lead' decisions of disqualifying our respective teams. That only seemed fair. Even if it got us a second co-director in Glee and some loss of trust by Mr Shue. We deserved it. We didn't lose each other, and that's the important part. Don't you agree, dad?

_(Rachel)_

I don't understand what is it with the group lately. Everyone is lifeless. Lazy. Or downright sleeping. The competition we have may not be much, but it's still something. It's not a time to slow our efforts. I won't let us lose because we didn't have what it takes anymore. We can't let go of everything we worked so hard for. I really don't understand, dairy, I really don't.

And Finn. He's the worse. When he's not sleeping in glee, he's looking at me. Well, that I do appreciate. Maybe it's just because he's tired, or because Quinn's making his life hell... but I still love the effect I seem to have. He's looking at me. And then he sleeps. Or yawns. Everywhere but in his car. He told me about the mailman he ran over not that long ago.

Did I tell you how we made up? I was ignoring him all right, barely seeing him in the hallways -barely displaying my notice to be exact- when he had me cornered. That afternoon, I had a question to ask Mr Shue so I stayed after everyone else was gone. I wanted details about our competition at Sectionals. And when I finally exited the room, there he was, waiting for me. He wanted me to go with him in Dayton to go search for strawberries and ice cream. I was a little taken aback that he would ask me to go 75 miles one way just for a few items. To witch he responded that this drive had become the best part of his day after glee -because he was out of town, and not sleeping-. He wanted to go all the way there just to have a few moment's rest with Quinn. That was adorable. Very sweet. I was flattered that he wanted me to go with him. I asked him point blank if it was another plan to have something from me. And he said 'just your forgiveness'. So I said yes, I was ready to forgive him, and to make him work for it.

We sang together for the better part of the way into Dayton, after a CD he had made of karaoke songs of what we had already worked on in glee. I was very happy to be singing with him again, even more fot its being outside of glee. We were almost there when he started to talk again. "I really missed you." I said nothing, wanting him to elaborate more. "When you had quit glee because you thought that we weren't recognizing you true talent as a star. I missed singing with you more than everything else. You are crazy, and bossy, but that's also what males us good. That's what made me want to be good at this. I know you didn't picked me to be the male lead, but when you sang I wanted to always do my best to do justice to your beautiful voice." For someone who doesn't have a great way with words, he had said exactly what I always wanted to hear.

We pulled out in front of the store. By that time, he was getting nervous. And I realized I had said nothing yet since we had left Lima. "Thanks, Finn. I missed you too." was my only response. And he relaxed immediately. We continued to talk, catching up after those uneasy days. It was small talk, really. Okay, not that much. He was telling me of his life with Quinn, and how she was making it miserable. I never understood how he could have stayed with someone like that, as mean as her. But now I understand. He had -has- no choice. I was very flattered to be spending time with him, because I could feel he liked it too. It wasn't faked or planned. And he really wanted my forgiveness. I had already granted him that, but I made him work a bit harder for it. He didn't seem to grasp what was the worse in what he had done. So I explained it to him when he brought the subject up. We had finished shopping and were already back on the road.

He suddenly became very quiet and very introverted, like he had something to say and he didn't want to ruin the good time we were having. I already knew what was coming, so I encouraged him to speak.

"I'm so sorry Rachel, that i lied to you and all." He slowly began.

"I'm not mad, okay not that mad that you lied, Finn. That wasn't the worst part. Something else hurt me way more than that." I wanted to see if he could see what had been really wrong. So I waited, but light didn't stuck.

"You don't play with others' people feelings, Finn. That isn't something everyone can forgive. You can't be just sorry for it. Lying is bad, but you always feel bad doing it. Playing with feelings doesn't work that way. The guilty one doesn't always feel bad, and the victim... I felt like a puppet, Finn. Just someone you used to get what you want. Like what I felt had no importance to you. Like you can do everything, no matter the consequences. And having a kid is no excuse. Using people this way makes you the worst kind of person there is. Beyond selfish. Like no one else counts. You can never do that again, Finn, with anyone. It's not something everyone forgives."

His face was crumbling as I said it. But I knew he had understood me. And he was confused with the mass of excuses he was giving me. "I'm so glad you forgave me, Rachel." he said. "How can you be so sure?" I wanted to hear that. "Because you would have never taken a ride with me. Even less to go buy food for Quinn. You probably would have slapped me again for grabbing your arm and ran off home." Finally, Finn. You get it.

"It's good to have you back, Finn."

"I never had gone anywhere, Rachel. You always were one of my best friends. Wanna sing again?"

"Sure." I'm sure I was blushing. I spend the rest of the ride home with my head on his shoulder, singing with my best friend.

Back to school. We have a mash-up competition against the boys. And I'm not that sure they're no competition at all. So I started working on it right away. And when I saw I was the only one on board, I didn't let Mercedes' laziness beat up my spirits. I tried to make myself heard, then I stormed out, unnoticed by the girls (but that's okay) and continued to work. I don't want to be overwhelmed with work if the boys turn out a decent representation. They'll thank me later.

The boys cheated! They cheated on their mash-up. The dancers were great, but Matt and Mike are very good dancers. But I could see Finn was on something. Kurt confirmed. Finn couldn't help but running everywhere and jumping and screaming. And his eyes were wide open. A little too wide. He always has them like naturally half closed. But not this time. It was very weird. I didn't like it at all. And was very disappointed in him. I always preferred Finn natural and half asleep than high on 'vitamin' as he calls it and energetic. So I told him. I'm not sure he followed my entire speech, I always use big words when I'm really angry. And then he said "We're gonna win, you're gonna lose". And I lost it. So, I evened the score. I'm not proud, but that's only justice. My doubts evaporated with Mrs Shue giving me this. Her husband is a wonderful teacher, so she can't be a bad nurse. Even if it's wrong justice. In the middle of that, I made peace with Quinn. And I'm very proud of it.

I remember everything after taking those pills. We worked at the mash up until midnight -because we all had curfew- and it still rocked. It only had a mild effect on me... I was even more demonstrative than usual. And I spoke with more big words and speed. I don't know if anyone caught my speech before the performance. But that's done with. I'm never taking pseudo-ephedrine again. Turned out she was a nurse who didn't know anything about being one. Mr Shue was very disappointed in all of us. And he lost the right to be the sole director of the Glee club. Ms Sylvester came along too. And, diary, I smell disaster.

I guess Finn knows me real good now. He appeared in front of me like a giant write-and-brown rock and I tried to justify taking those pills. But he knew I didn't believe a word I was saying. If I had, I think he would have been very sad. For me. But now, I'm gonna try to be with and not against everyone else. We can't lose if we're all together. And as for Finn, at the end of the day, I prefer to be singing with him, not in a competition against him. Finn is still Finn. And that's why he's my best friend.

Till next time,  
Rachel

**Thanks for your reviews, everyone! It's always a pleasure to write a new chapter every day  
Until next time, don't stop reviewing  
_Eomyn_**


	8. Throwdown

**Hello everyone! I'm finally back! Thanks for the reviews!  
Yesterday, I woke up not wanting to write at all. I couldn't even look at the work I had done the evening before for this chapter. So I spend most of the day reading glee fanfic. Today, it was better. I had still to wait for the afternoon to open the unfinished document, but then it flowed like magic. I had the better part of the episode and the story I wanted to add there already written. Still took some time. But I'm back at loving to write. And I hope it shows!**

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_(Finn)_

Dad

I got so overwhelmed by that doctor's appointment. I didn't know what to do but to be happy I was there to take care of Quinn. And it's a girl, dad, a girl! I can't believe it! I was so proud, of myself, of Quinn, of that little life growing inside of her. So proud.

But not everything was okay. I was so happy when the doc told us it was a she, but I could see Quinn not even close to feel the same as me. Maybe she was just relieved she had been through a quarter of the pregnancy. I don't know. I do know she doesn't want to keep it. And I understand. Sometimes. I can't even take care of myself by my own. I forget so many things I can't keep a pet alive for more than a few days. And I tried. But mom stopped it fast. I'm sure if she kept her I would be forgetting her somewhere, or forget to do something for my daughter. Oh, god. My daughter. Feels unreal.

I have to stick with what Quinn wants, because she's the one carrying the baby. I didn't participate much. And don't like it. Not the non-participation part, but the feel of not being in control. It's my life too, and it's being decided for me. But this is life, right? Not doing what you want... but I still feel like I could be a good dad. I just know it somehow. Someday, I will be one. 16 is maybe a just little too young.

So then I found out that Rachel had stopped a story from going out. The one telling to everyone that Quinn's pregnant. The later the better. It almost ruined Glee. I don't even want to think to what it would do to our reputations. She didn't tell me the specifics, but I'm sure, given the blackmailer, that it was humiliating. And she told me so herself. Even if I didn't follow half of it. I was so glad and thankful of Rachel for doing that gesture that I forgot to decipher her vocabulary. And she told me she had done it for me. And I do believe that. But I also do believe that one part was for Quinn. And I told her so, and tried not to blush. Quinn told me that Rachel had been nice to her, in between yelling at me of course. Because that didn't stop. That's still pretty much the same.

Hardcore Rachel. The one who goes to the end of the moon for her team. And smiles at me all the time. But I am going to make it up to her. I don't really know how. She makes it so easy. She's there, she does things, and she's supportive. What other kind of friend could I ever want? She makes it so easy... to feel a bit more for her than I should.

So, back with the baby. If I'd knew Quinn's reaction, I would have never give her the little piece of paper to begin with. But it's something I wanted to do. I want to be able to know my daughter, dad. I don't think she should grow up not knowing where she comes from. So I gave Quinn a piece of paper in Spanish. I had found a name for our kid. And I love it. It's very unusual, but at least people will know that she's unique. Because she really is.

So I had _Drizzle_ written to the paper. And I then I saw her reaction. If we hadn't been in class, she would have had yelled, and probably slapped me. Hard. So she just said that I was a moron (which is hardly the first time) and that she's not naming her anything because she's not keeping her. She could have at least rewarded the effort. And passed over my weird explanation for the name. Am I trying too hard? Or is it just that I don't want to see her go to some strangers before I had time to look at her?

When Spanish was over, she called me insensitive (if I was insensitive, I would support her, and have broken up with her already), and forbid me to have an opinion (so, if I'm not carrying, I can't say a thing? I hope it's not always like that) and I can't imagine her because she gonna be put up for adoption? That is just wrong.

And I'm not to blame. I'll never carry. And I certainly never expected sperm to be so resistant to water and chlorine and such. I'll try to help her with her parents, but I can't really take all her crap anymore. It already removed all romantic feelings I had for her. I hope it doesn't remove the respect I have for her, because she doesn't seem to have any for me.

Speaking of wrong, I compared her to Rachel. I don't even know where that came from. Okay, I do, but still...

I told Quinn what Rachel had done, thinking it would be a good thing. It wasn't. Quinn's persuaded Rachel had done this for me only. I don't think I'll ever tell that story again. I know Rachel likes me. But I always thought it was because I'm her best friend. And that's what best friends do, right? I defend her, and she defends me. I don't really see what the heck this is all about. And I'm sorry Quinn, but for the cheating part, it's already done. And I try to feel guilty, dad. I really do. Because I know that's what I should be feeling. But I can't. I didn't feel guilty at all. Kissing Rachel didn't feel wrong. It more like... felt right. Both times.

When are we going to be a real group again? I miss us all together...

Mr Shue handed us a new song. I know it, I heard it on radio a while back. It's a love song. Again. Not that I mind. He wants it to be impeccable. So I need more practice than we have glee time for. And Quinn's not happy at all that I'm singing a love song with Rachel. She's the female lead! And I think she's great for this part. So, she threw a little tantrum in rehearsal, and then another one outside. But that didn't stop me from asking Rachel (she said okay) to rehearse the next day after school. In the auditorium. I need practice. And time away from Quinn. No matter what she says.

**Don't worry, it's not even close to be over for Finn... just read Rachel through. I think you'll understand.**

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_(Rachel)_

I really love it when Finn can't follow what I say... he's so cute when I'm apologizing and he doesn't even know why...

I can't help myself. It's stronger than me. Sometimes I think I could do everything for that boy...

Like entering blackmail with Ben Israel. He threatened to reveal the story about Quinn being pregnant. And we all know what it would do to her. She would be no longer slushy-protected. He wouldn't be either. No matter what I have to do. It's not like my reputation can go any lower. I'm already a geek. But I'm also strong. And I'm not persuaded that Quinn could handle being slushied on top of everything else. So I did. Enter blackmail. With Ben Israel. He wanted a pair of panties from me, so the next day I gave him one. That I just had bought from the store and never worn before. I think it worked, the story didn't peak yet. But I very well know that I just bought time. Some day or other, the story is gonna come out. If only because Quinn will show in a few weeks. But when it comes out, the later the better. So yeah, I didn't really think of what it meant to me. I just don't want anyone else to be getting a slushy every day from now or soon on.

When I said that Ms Sylvester coming to glee was a disaster, I wasn't that far off. The first thing she did was divide the group in two. To speak politically correct, it was all Caucasian -and straight- kids one way, and everyone else the other way. What a disaster. Glee works because we all have something to give to it, whether it be from our culture, our abilities, our voices or our points of view. This doesn't really feel good. At all.

Finn found out that I had helped him. Because it was for him. Mostly. And I blushed at "hardcore". And I was embarrassed at his including everyone else as reasons for my doing it. I couldn't help but smile when he called me awesome. I know I show him more than I should, but I can't help it. What I feel for Finn is beyond what I ever felt for anyone. And I was brutally brought back to earth when Ben Israel gave me my still-price-marked panties (had I done that mistake?) and asked for a real one. And he tried to kiss me. But that, I stopped. Ben Israel isn't going to kiss me anytime soon.

I really hate being separated from the other members from Glee. Our _Ride wit me_ cover was great, if lacking leads. But still, better than being five singing anything else. Mr Shue told us not to give up, that giving up meant playing Ms Sylvester's game. And it's kind of our fault if he's not the sole director anymore. So I'm not giving up. Never.

I didn't really understand what what's it with Quinn though. Finn and I are leads, so I think it natural to be singing just that on a new song. But Quinn wasn't okay with that plan. It is a love song, after all. I can understand that she's having difficulties with my singing it to her boyfriend. But I love it. And Finn was very enthusiastic with it too. He seems to really like it. So much that he asked me to have an extra rehearsal tomorrow after school. You want to sing _No Air_ with me, Finn? I'm not even close to say no to that...

The next day I had some kind of heart-to-heart with Quinn. I don't need to be reminded of her situation. She told me to back off, I confessed my ulterior motives. And added she was cheating. I swore I saw something pass for a faction of time before I turned away. Then I went on on Glee being her only friends (so I really also did it for Quinn? I can't believe it) and reminded her that she could not be a Cheerio for much longer. Then she turned away, sending me killing glares. But that's okay. She never was nice with me. I don't see why she would change, especially now. If she has something to say, she should definitely say it. She'll feel a lot better after.

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**Here we go. Let _Rachel_ begin...**

_I was very curious. Finn and I hadn't stayed after school to rehearse in weeks... the last time was... I think before he found out for Quinn. Something like that. So, when he had asked me to stay after school, I immediately said yes. I was happy to spend time with my best friend. And the fact that said best friend was Finn is just a bonus..._

_So, after my last period, I had immediately gone to the auditorium. I didn't know when he was going to be in, he was at football practice and those sometimes stretched a bit. So, instead of losing my time waiting for my lead, I began to sing for myself. I tried to sing something else than our assignment song, but something always made me come back to it. I could not help myself. Before I knew it, I was singing both voices. And it had been an original duet! But here, alone in the auditorium, singing something like that to Finn, I could not help myself. I already knew I had strong feelings for him. And it was our assignment. I was protected if he ever began to ask me questions about it. _

I entered the auditorium. She was already inside... singing. I couldn't see her yet, but I could hear her. And I remembered... I remembered where I had heard her sing for the very first time. And I wanted to tell her. Tonight. She was responsible for so much in my life after that... I could not not thank her for all that. But for now, it had to wait. We had a song to rehearse. A beautiful, poignant love song. Just like her.

_I heard him enter the auditorium. He was a bit late, but I had no problem whatsoever with it. I barely noticed him; I was so enthralled in that song... he couldn't see me right away, I was not singing on stage. I had been walking around inside, hearing the acoustics this room could have on the song. And on my heart. I just knew he was there. And he was not moving. His footsteps had stopped right after he had entered the auditorium. I was still in trance. Tuned. On him. Nothing else had retained my attention. And I was seriously doubting someone else would._

The song was barely ending when I realized I had stopped walking. She didn't seem to notice my presence. Good. I didn't want to disturb her. Her singing had touched me to the core, once again. It always did that, but in the auditorium, it was different. Deeper. And I remembered why. Six years ago, I had heard her sing for the first time. And I had felt... the same.

_I snapped back into reality as he joined me by the stage. I suddenly had an idea. I didn't want to rehearse as we always used to do, standing up and going on around each other. We had to, at first, and I knew it. I needed to lead him through the simple steps of the choreography. That had always been the hardest part with him. But he had let me guide him every time. And every time, I had been very proud. It was taking time, but he always came through in the end. But tonight, after doing a few rounds, I wanted to try something new. Okay, not that new; I just wanted to be sitting down at the edge of the stage, my feet hanging in the air. Like two friends who sang together. A love song. Yeah. But still. I wanted to try that leaning back to back. Like we could feel emotions run through our bodies. For once, I didn't care what transpired from it. This song had me on a roll, and I wasn't ready to let it go just yet. And he would be tired from practice. I'm not sure he wouldn't be welcoming the idea that badly after all._

I was staring at her. I don't think she was even noticing. She seemed lost in thought, leaning against the stage. And she was beautiful.

She snapped out of her daydream. I think she saw me this time. But it didn't matter. I remembered why she was so important to me in the first place. I owed her so much more than friendship and whatever more she was feeling for me. I owed her... music.

"You're here." she quietly said.

"Yeah, sorry. Coach kept us a bit longer than usual at practice. We have a game coming." She was laughing by now.

"You always have a game coming, Finn. But it's okay. The important is that you came." She wasn't mad at all. She just seemed happy to be with me. And I was happy to be with her.

"I asked you to come rehearse after school. It would have been weird if I had skipped on my own plan. And you didn't lose time. You could sing that song even if I wasn't here, Rachel." She frowned. Uh... sorry?

"Finn, the whole point of a duet is to be sung by two people. I just felt like singing, and this naturally came to me. I was waiting for you to arrive."

"Sorry to be late, Rachel. I didn't want to disturb you." So, it's lame. And?

"It's okay, Finn. This song had me on a bit of a roller coaster. It's like I'm high on it." Yeah, I know what you mean. "You ready? I want to try a new thing today. We have to polish your choreography, but this song doesn't have much of it. After that, I want to try singing sitting down."

"But you always said standing up was better." I was a bit puzzled, but didn't welcome it badly at all.

"Yes, Finn. It's better. You can have more power in your voice standing up. But I don't want to try and go for power. I feel more like singing it sitting at the edge of the stage, side by side. You know, like two friends who just got into singing something. Or sitting, leaning to each other back to back. Like singing to invisible people." She was losing me.

"_But why?" I could see confusion on his face. "It's not really a friendship song."_

"_And it's not really a duet to be sung by only one person. You know, I just feel like doing something different with it; not changing the lyrics, just changing the scene around it."_

"_Okay." I could feel he was still hesitant. "And I know you must be tired from practice. Don't tell me you're not gonna welcome sitting down at all." _

_He was relaxing. "If you put it like that..." _

_Game, set and match for Berry! Oh, wait. That's tennis. Whatever._

So be began by going through the choreography. She was right. There isn't mush of anything in. we just hold hands a lot. I could already fell Quinn's stare, like yesterday in rehearsals. Or in the future, when we would be performing the song in here in front of everyone. But at that moment, I didn't care. I was way more focused on not tripping on my feet, or not crashing her hands in mine, or crushing her when holding her close... I felt so good around her. And she was giving me little directions, never caring that she had to make me repeat it a bunch of times. I needed help, and she was there. Plus, I really wanted to totally rock this song. It was too beautiful to be messed up by a giant like me.

_We were dancing around, and around the tenth try, he was getting it really good. He didn't need any help from me, no guidance to remember the words and the steps at the same time, and that had left him with a big smile on his face. My heart was melting from all the holding hands we were doing. And the holding on close to each other. And everything that made that song really look like a love song. Uh, oh._

At the end of the twelfth time, she called it quits. More like she said that I was really good at it and she wanted to stop for a minute. I didn't fight her this. I felt lightheaded and I was tired from the exercises from practice earlier. I said I was okay with it and sat down. On the edge of the scene. My feet hanging loosely in the air. She was taking my breath away. Literally. I really needed time to calm down, and be back on earth before we could continue.

"Do you think we could try out my idea now?" Was she restless? My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I barely heard her. "But I don't think we should be singing the same thing." I agree. This was making me even more confused than I usually felt around her. I could definitely feel something more... something more. "Let's go with something else."

"Okay, I said. Like what?"

"Something that already brought the club together in the past. What do you say to _Don't stop believing_?"

_I was waiting for his answer, feeling a bit anxious. Then he smiled. "Okay." Then I smiled. Uh oh. There it is. Why didn't I recognize the signs before? Because it never happened to me before... I never was in love before. Even less with the boy sitting right next to me. I was sure I was blushing at the realization. It was good that he couldn't see my face. I ran backstage to compose myself, and drink a bit of water. My throat was suddenly dry. "Rachel?" I heard him call my name behind by back. I couldn't make him suspicious. But he probably already knew I liked him. Well, if he did, I wasn't going to change a thing. Except that I had ran backstage when I realized I more than liked him. I was in love with my male lead. I was in love... with Finn Hudson. _

I started to get worried. She was right next to me, ready to sit but then she had bolted and ran out. I was left alone on stage, feeling a bit hurt. I was starting to understand how Rachel had felt when I did that to her. I'm really sorry for that. But since her reason can't be like mine, I was really worried. I started to go back in my mind to see where I had gone wrong, not really understanding where that moment could be. Unless it wasn't today. Well, that... I'm sorry too.

"Rachel?" I called her.

She answered after one second. "Yeah. I just went to drink water. Singing made my throat a bit dry. Don't worry, I'm fine." She must have heard the worry in my calling her. I started to relax. It wasn't my fault. And I'm sure if it wasn't for all the water I drank earlier in practice, my throat would have been the same. So I waited for her to come back, looking forward just to be singing side by side with my best friend.

_When I got back to the stage, Finn was still sitting in the same position I had left him. I could see his relaxed stance. He had believed my semi-lie. Good. I was not looking forward to have him question me more. I was still feeling weird from the sudden realization. But that was okay. I was okay. More than okay. I was in move with my best friend. _

_And he wad a girlfriend. A pregnant one. Well, I never said unrequited love didn't exist. But as long as he was going to be my friend, I could feel I was going to be okay with that. Okay with the fact that he was probably in love too... with someone else._

She sat by me, and we started singing. I was feeling better by the minute, and it felt really good to finally have this song res... rest.. well, given back top its original performer. We sang _Don't stop believing_ two or three times, then went over virtually every song we had ever learned in Glee. There were a few. I never realized how much. And we were only in October. So I guess if we ever do this again in May, it will be... five times more?

From sitting at the edge of the stage, we had shifted our positions. We were back to back now. It was really weird to feel each other take breaths. After a while, I think we were taking them at the same time. Go leads!

_I had him sing our mash up from when we were split up boys against girls again. So at least he would have a recollection of the performance. After sitting back to back (I had to put a quick stop to that because I was desperately trying to keep my breath from getting shallow), I had asked him to lie down in the middle of the stage. I lowered the lights so we weren't going to be blinded by it, and then I went to lie down too. My feet were facing the opposite direction from his. Only our heads were close. Almost touching, like cheek to cheek. I was seeing stars. Literally. _

_Like with the contest that had made us all go crazy, I let him begin with his Confessions/It's my life mash-up, then I sang to him my Halo/Sunshine. We hadn't moved an inch, still lying in opposite directions, on stage, our heads close. A few moments after he let me finish, I was on the verge of sitting again, when he began to talk._

"You know, I heard you sing once before." I began, somewhat nervous.

"Finn, you hear me sing almost every day." I should have seen this one coming. But at least she wasn't leaving anymore.

"I don't mean this year, Rachel." She waited. "I heard you sing for the first time almost six years ago."

_I could feel he was nervous. This wasn't something he usually did, talk about the distant past. I encouraged him. He had all my attention, and more. "Tell me" I said quietly. He began to talk._

"_I was in fifth grade." He paused a bit. I could feel he was a bit unsure about this. I encouraged him a bit more. "Don't be afraid to tell me. I really want to know." I'm sure he knew that was true._

"_It was December, and very cold outside. It was the day of the winter's school theater representation. It was the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast." _

_I remembered. The film had won Oscars eleven years before, and a change of school Headmaster had put an end to the yearly Santa Claus theater. We were to have The Little Mermaid in June._

"I was nine, and my mom had been single since my dad had died. We had a tradition of her taking me to my grandparents two or three days before the winter holidays, since it was the only time of the year where we could go on vacation together. I had never been in school the last three days, ever since I remembered. So, that night was a big night. My mom hated school plays, and she never had allowed me to go see one, even less to participate. I think it remembered something about dad. So this year, I was happy she had agreed to go see this one. I was curious to see what it was." I paused a bit, taking my breath.

"The last year of elementary school, theater was still something everyone still thought of as cool. Okay, almost everyone. Puck hated to see it, but his mom made him go every time."

_I could feel emotion from his voice. It was like he was remembering it right now. Something he had buried deep years before. He continued._

"_It was the first time my mom had even taken me to a play. We didn't have reserved seats, because she always declined going. So, we had to sit in the back. Center stage, next to last row. I was just happy to be there. The play began, and I couldn't see a thing. Almost. I remember a tiny figure coming out, clad in a blue dress with a folded in white apron." He remembered me? "She was playing Belle." Yes, definitely. His memory had an image of me in that itchy blue dress? I felt tears coming. It was a good thing he couldn't really see my face. _

"_I was up in my seat for just a second before my mom yanked me back down. Just the time to see little figure playing Belle. We were so far I couldn't recognize anything or anyone else."_

My voice was veiled with emotion already. I took a second to catch a second breath and continue. I needed to continue. "I was sitting again, following the light blue point on the stage. I knew that she was the hero in the story, the one with the happily ever after." Rachel was aware I was talking about her. I knew I was too. But I still refused to change from 'her' to 'you'. It didn't feel right just yet.

"Suddenly, I saw Puck coming near me. He was bored by the play, and only wanted to mess around. He was surprised to see me there. I went with him so he wouldn't make noises. We had been best friends since third grade, when he once had punched my face as a joke and I had replied in kind. A trip to the headmaster's office, with our parents, had declared us friend forever. Puck was already a bad ass back then. We were inseparable ever since."

_Let it to puck to ruin the moment for my friend here. Some things never change... but he was talking again, the emotions present in his voice._

"_We sat far in the back, playing with what we found. We were speaking low, because my mom had told me I couldn't shout because it would disturb everyone else. The play was lost to us." Yeah, Finn, no wonder. It was theater, so no song was uttered until the end. The very last scene. _

_He took a second before speaking again. We were all getting very emotional. _

"_I heard a voice fulfill the room. All noises ceased." I remember that silent room. Everyone turned at me. To hear me sing. _

"_An amazing voice was singing. I turned to watch, and I saw it was Belle." It was my turn to be breathless. Speechless._

I had to finish it. She was close, and it was making it really difficult for me. "I stopped dead, mesmerized by her voice. Puck, always so delicate, kicked me, trying to wake me up from my daydream. To no effect. I was frozen. In contemplation. In awe."

I took a second to steady my voice.

"When he saw the tears in my eyes, he went straight to my mom, telling her the play was making me sick. She had always been overprotective of me, so she approached, and saw that I didn't move anymore. She took my by the arm to get me home. I wanted to stay. I never wanted the song to end. I wanted to continue to hear the voice. My mom took my lack of response for disrespect and, once we finally got home, punished me for it."

_I could not believe Finn's mom. But I guess I can understand it. The first time she lets him wee a play, his reaction is so intense he doesn't move anymore._

"_I then associated hearing the voice with a thing that would make my mom mad, so I never told her anything about it. I never went forward if only to ask who had sung, for fear of retaliation. I put it out of my mind..." He associated me with bad? No wonder he didn't look for the one causing such a reaction in him. _

"_and it never resurfaced. Until I heard you sing a second time." A pause._

"_And even then, it was just a vague feeling. That something like that had already happened to me." What do you mean, already happened... like you still feel like that?_

I was almost at the end. I would feel Rachel in awe beside me, sort of.

"My mom never took me back for a play, and never allowed me to ever go see one. Or to participate. I never asked. That spring, she met Darren, and I began to really hear music. And to write my diary. The next time I was to hear the same voice, your voice, I had been blackmailed into joining glee. We were rehearsing here, in the auditorium."

a few moments passed.

I hadn't realized it, but she had shifted. One of my hands had reached over my head for hers. She was lying on her front, her head over mine. We closed the distance. I wasn't kissing her. She wasn't kissing me. We were kissing each other. Not a word had been uttered.

_We parted for air, both still in some kind of trance. Thank you, I thought. I pulled myself up, and I went home without a word. I knew he wouldn't be hurt by my leaving. _

_I had a treasure now. Maybe Finn didn't exactly felt the same about me, but he felt something. And for me, it was more than enough._

There was just one part I left out. The last one.

Today, I could recognize her anywhere. Just let me hear her sing. The first time I'd had a feeling of longing and belonging. The second time, the feeling returned. And every time ever since. Every time we sang in the auditorium. I could hear her sing forever, with the same pleasure. She always will be, to me, the most talented singer I ever heard. She would be like a rock at my side, my best friend, no matter what happens in the future. And what I feel for her, dad, is more than friendship.

...

The next day, we were about to perform for everyone. And heard Mr Shue and Ms Sylvester almost come to blows. She had interrupted our performance, dad! So I went forward. A bit too much, maybe, but I was still under last night's spell and I wished I'd still had you, dad. I think of you a lot when I don't think about Rachel, Quinn or the baby. But we still sang. For the kids in glee. And for us. We just sang in our rehearsal room. After we stormed out of the auditorium. And I didn't really mind the other tantrum Quinn threw me after that. This is one song I'll never sing with anyone else.

_I feel really bad for Finn and Quinn. Mr Shue was making a speech about being a minority, and I liked the idea. I liked being together again. Until we all realized Ms Sylvester knew about Quinn. And that the whole school would do too very shortly. I saw crumbled faces. I felt mine doing the same. I felt so guilty. I had tried to prevent that, and had miserably failed. I wasn't sure I would still have Finn's friendship after that... _

Our world crumbled right in front of our eyes. Everyone in the school would know by tomorrow. We would be finished. Probably tasting slushies very soon. I wasn't mad at Rachel. She had done everything she could to help me, to help us. I was mad because I felt her humiliation had been in vain. I was mad at myself for not being careful enough and having put Quinn in that situation. I was mad at her because we're both responsible for her pregnancy. She wasn't that careful either. And she knew my problem. I was mad at Ms Sylvester. But I knew what I had to do. I had to protect Quinn more than ever. I had already knew humiliation from before she joined glee, she had been one to make me feel it. But she didn't know what it really meant. So I had to stay. I had to put feelings aside and be strong for her. Be there if she needed me. And hold her close when she was crying. You don't know, dad, you don't know how I sometimes wish I'd never gone into that hot tub. But we're all here. Quinn has me, I have Rachel. We have everyone. Isn't that what friendship is supposed to be?

_I confronted Ben Israel and he told me who was behind all this. It was easy enough to make him spill the beans. Quinn would need our full support now. Ms Sylvester is responsible for ruining her reputation. And my heart crumbled when I saw Finn holding Quinn in his arms. For the time being, he was definitely out of reach. For anyone. But he told me I wasn't to blame. He told me he would still need me, because Quinn wasn't the only one needing support, and that I was the only one at school giving it to him. So nothing really changed from last week. Or from a few days ago. Finn is still my best friend. I just labeled what I felt for him. Glee is still a group. We just showed Quinn we would all be there for her. We still have unity. And maybe, even more._

_

* * *

_

**The 'December song' story as I call it looks way more like a declaration of love than anything else, I know. Sorry for the ones I could have had frustrated over my lack of clairvoyance, or by 'cutting' it our so that it doesn't really become one. It's not finished. Rachel left it at feelings of admiration and awe. Those are not the point. Not by a long shot.  
It just gives me something more for the back-9 episodes. By request, and because I totally agree that some scenes come a bit out of nowhere, I will be showing more of Finn's feelings during this difficult time for him... but let's not get ahead of ourselves here.  
It really started as a story of friendship. It'll be back. I just love it too damn much!  
Until then, don't forget to review!  
_Eomyn_**

_**Edit : dedicated to SciFiMom2000, for the most amazing comment I ever received. Thank you so much.**_


	9. Mash up

**I read your reviews this morning... and I must say this is the first time it makes me feel this way. Extatic! I wasn't sure if the kissing scene would be appreciated. Very, very glad too see that you're on board too!  
When I just looked at the title of the episode, and the list of the songs in it, I knew it would be fun! Puck trying to get into Rachel's pants. Slushies everywhere. And, well, something is definitely going on between Quinn and Puck. Well, we all know it, but they still don't...  
Until then... enjoy, thanks a hundred times for your reviews and don't forget to leave one at the end!  
**

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_(Finn)_

Now, I think I do. I get why a slushy is that bad to receive in your face. The ice is burning your eyes. And the sugar is making you stinky. And the whole thing is wet. But you never know, no, you never know when it's gonna come. And today, it did. Today, we officially turned into geeks. Welcome to the unpopular, Quinn. Wanna celebrate?

I don't think Mr Shue got my meaning when I said football and glee didn't go together. Or he didn't care. Quinn was drying me off the best she could -not very tender touch, my Quinn- and he was berating about mash-ups. And gave us one as an assignment. _Bust a move_... not really into it. That slushy had pulled my spirits down a bit. And after Puck refused to sing it as well, Rachel was mad as us for not being very ambitious. But I still followed (okay, led) with the drums. Anyway, Rachel, did you get a slushy in your face today, yet?

But I gotta admit it lifted my spirits, at least until Quinn busted it down again in Ms Pillsbury's office. Thanks, Quinn. Really. Maybe I should have asked you if you ever had a slushy in your face this morning before. So, tomorrow, we're coming back with sunglasses. Great idea. Totally. But I said a bit too much in the excitement. And Quinn yelled again. She doesn't want me to look at other girls. Especially if she can't see witch ones. Does it count that I'm already looking? The one thing I'm not sure is to let down your other friends if they don't like what you've become. Is that a good idea if staying the way they like can get you off the slushy-list?

So, for the name of the game, and the name of the football team, do you really have to hear your name put in smudge? And the one of your girlfriend? And the ones of your other friends? Because I'm sure now the glee kids would never do that. Do you have to hear insults? Do you have to take it, never mouthing back, never reacting? That's more than I can bear, dad. Coach seems to think so. And he makes us choose. Between football. And Glee. I'm torn. What am I gonna do?

Puck sang Sweet Caroline to Rachel in Glee. What the hell? And she was smiling at him with her thousand watt smile. The one for me. Or when she's really happy. So, again, what the hell? Are they going out? We just kissed a few days ago! And it was... I didn't even tried to feel bad about it. This is Rachel... in some ways, I can't resist her anymore. But what the hell? I know she likes me. I'm sure I like her too. Not sure how much. I never thought she liked my popularity more than me. Maybe it makes sense, because she never had any. But... I never though she would be attracted by something so... coming and going. For lack of a better word. I always thought she liked me. For me. She always makes me feel so good about myself. Was this all a lie? I can't... I don't understand. At all. I mean, Puck?

Does she really want to go out with him? I know I have a girlfriend but Puck is... well, Puck. I don't wanna see her get hurt. And I really don't wanna see her with other guys. Is that how she feels when she sees me with Quinn? This, this weird feeling mixed with pain? She's my friend. And more. But... Is she letting me down too? Because I've lost popularity? She liked me, now she likes him. If Archie becomes popular tomorrow, will she like him better than me too? Was I wrong in thinking that she was different? If she only liked me as someone who could have her avoid getting slushied, she's only making it easier for me. I never though Rachel would be like that. That hurts. It really hurts.

Especially when it could mean no more slushy for me and Quinn. Because she didn't take her first one that morning all that well. Pretty bad even. She was crying in the toilets. Bros before hi-ho's. That seems like a plan. So I showed up for practice instead of Glee. But none of that felt really good. It wasn't all like before. The boys still wanted more. And more. And more. Up to the part where I had to throw a slushy in one of the glee kids. They gave me a choice. Kurt -for resigning from the team- or Rachel -for her being a diva-. The worst deal ever. They had never received one, I knew that. It kind of kept me up all night. Deep down, my choice was already made. I could never throw a slushy at Rachel. But how could I do it to Kurt? I felt awful. I didn't really understand how they could act like that, ask me to do something I never even did before joining Glee. I never had been one for slushies. And now, they wanted me to throw one at a friend? Was that the spirits in my team? But I remembered why I was doing that in the first place. For Quinn. She had seen her whole world change in a few weeks. I had to protect her. And the little girl she was carrying.

So, the next day, I brought a slushy to school. I found Rachel and Kurt together at his lockers. Every Glee kid I had passed in the hallway had a raincoat on. They had one too. My heart fell in my chest. How could I do something like that? Rachel was never going to understand, never going to forgive. And that though hurt more than every other I had in my head. I could not do that. To her. To Glee. I knew I could take the slushies. And the insults. But Quinn couldn't. And I hated that. At this moment, I hated her. She was making me do this. The worst I could ever do. They were my friends. If I did this, they wouldn't be anymore. Including Rachel. I couldn't lose her. I couldn't lose my best friend.

Rachel had her arms crossed on her chest. Mercedes, Tina and Archie had arrived too. Rachel. She couldn't understand that I had to preserve my reputation. They never were losers to me. Maybe before I joined, but never after. Only Cheerios still though so. They were my friends. But Rachel, she was a good leader. And she knew I listened to her. Her words hurt me. I could never stop caring for the Glee kids. If only for her being there.

I was shocked when Kurt took the slushy from my hand, told me he was taking one for the team and threw it on himself. Then he told me to go away, and think if the football guys would ever do the same for him. I was confused. I walked out. Than ran outside. On the field. Then I screamed. I had just realized what I had done. I had just lost my only friends. And maybe, I had just lost Rachel too.

I saw Rachel and Puck on the bleachers and my blood boiled in my veins. I already feel so bad because I don't think she's my friend anymore. But this, this is something else. I don't know what. I more than ever don't want to see her with someone else. Especially with Puck. I know him too damn much. I looked away quickly, hoping they didn't catch me. And needing to cool off. How can so much feeling run through my veins in only a few seconds? Never thought emotions could run that fast...

Then, Mr Shue came to see me. He gave me a speech. The point was: decide your own life. Don't care so much about chat the others think. The thing is, after today, I don't anymore. I do it for Quinn. But maybe he's not bullshitting me. Maybe he really knows how it feels to be popular. He was popular at the time. And I decided he was right. On my own. So I went to see Coach. I rambled something about glee and football both being cool. And he canceled the Thursday practice.

Now that Quinn's not a Cheerio anymore, I won't take her crap about me being responsible for her slushies anymore. I will still help and support her. Because I have to. But she's getting, like really getting on my nerves. And starting to lose my respect. Don't go too far, Quinn. The minute I don't have to be with you anymore, we're done. We are done.

So, I came back to Glee, the tale between my legs. And slushies for everyone. And I was welcomed back. I really was. With my friends. My real friends. But I still know I have to make it up to Rachel, no matter how happy to see me she looked. Or how big her grin was when we all slushied Mr Shue. I was smirking at Quinn distressed for her future daily slushy. Well, guess what. You're part of that club now. With everything attached to it. Cheers!

_(Rachel)_

Finn and Quinn got slushied for the first time today. Actually, by the looks off it, only Finn. And Quinn doesn't know the beginning of a thing when it comes to get slushy out of your hair. She was doing it all wrong. And she was worried. For their reputation. And the others were worried. Me with them. Finn and Puck seemed depressed somewhat. So much that Mr Shue had to sing in their place. Not a good way to start, guys. I've already have my daily slushy, and look at me! I'm not falling down with depression! And I know we probably would be getting more sluhies from now on. Okay, maybe not me since I already got one every day anyway. But Mercedes, Kurt, Tina. I don't think they would hit Artie. I hope. I'm going to remind them all to always have a spare change in their locker. Sounds like we're not safe anymore. Not safe, at all.

I made out with Puck. I was rehearsing What a girl wants and he was accompanying me on his guitar. The next thing I know, we're making out on my bed. But that's it. It never went more than that. I'm not going to become another name in this already long list of conquests.  
One day, he brought me one. A slushy. For me to drink, not to toss it all over me like he used to do. Grape. Not my favorite. But he thought it was. Because he saw me licking it from the last one he threw on me. I was not licking it. I was eating it because I didn't want it to burn my eyes more or get me any stickier than I already was. I was pretty stunned.

And then he wanted to rehearse with me. So I invited him in my house, in my room. He can play guitar. And he can kiss. The feeling is great, because it helps me get distracted from Finn and Quinn, but I don't think it's gonna last. And I certainly won't let him go further than make out sessions. I hallucinated kissing Finn while kissing Puck. I almost told him that I would never give myself to him because he wasn't Finn, stopping just in time. Instead, I freaked out a bit and told him I was too high maintenance for him and that he didn't deserve me if he couldn't sing a solo. It's not that he's not enough of a bad ass. He's kind of too much of it. And... I'm in love with someone else. So I broke up whatever we were. Too bad. Because even if Finn is better, Puck is actually a good kisser.

He sang me a solo. Sweet Caroline. I was smiling broadly the entire time, looking at him. He's won another make out session.  
So I guess we date now. I know he doesn't listen when I talk to him most of the time, but I don't really care. I'm still proud, slushy or no slushy. Because he got one too. And I cleaned out of his hair -good point for having it cut that short. And he apologized for ever doing it to me. I was sitting on his leg. And he got why it was so... bad. The burning, the dripping (he's always so delicate)... the humiliation, wanting to cry. That really got me. And I understood completely when he told me he would choose football over Glee. And broke up with me. You're not a bad Jew, Noah. You actually have a heart, when you choose to let it show.

But he came. He still came. He knew the possibilities, the consequences that could arose from such a gesture towards us. But he came. So I guess I have my boyfriend back. Again. I was happy.

Finn didn't show. My heart sank. He didn't think that much of us after all. And the next day, he came with a slushy towards Kurt and me. Kurt took one for the team over his weird transparent coat. My heart sank even more. Finn was definitively on the other side. I had lost my best friend. I wanted to cry. That evening, I went home, and cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I broke up with Puck. Definitely. He knew it was coming. He knew I have feelings for Finn. And that Finn's never gonna leave Quinn. But I think he likes Quinn. More than a little. He was persuading himself that he wasn't. We're like the two people staring in Glee. Me at Finn, him at Quinn. Looking at the never-ending couple. He's a stud. And an ass. But we dated for two and a half days because I though Finn would react. Be jealous. Whom are we kidding? We're both like the kids, looking though a window into a bakery and wanting to get in way too much but the doors will always stay closed. I wished we could have been friends after. He said no. Well, that is okay, if a little painful. I wasn't gonna get mad at him, even if he started back throwing slushies at me.

Finn came back. That put my heart at ease. In part. He came in with grape sluhies. Twelve of them. With that, he was welcomed back. But I still feel uneasy that he could have left Glee like that. And I think he know he'll have to explain; but nor today. Today, we got to throw a slushy at Mr Shue. And we all immensely enjoyed it. Group hug, everyone. Group hug!


	10. Wheels

**I don't have anything to say tonight. **** Enjoy this chapter. Bi****g thanks for your reviews. Don't forget to leave one at the end ^^  
_Eomyn_**

* * *

(Finn)

Dad, meet Rachel. 5'2, slim, shiny dark hair and mahogany eyes, olive tan. A gorgeous voice and an even more beautiful smile. Sagittarius, I think. Always believes in me. Even when she shouldn't. My best friend. And I without a doubt feel more than friendship for her. Not sure what exactly. Not feeling guilty about it either. She helps me deal with the messes Quinn keeps punching me in the gut with. I'm sure that if Quinn hadn't gotten pregnant, I wouldn't be with her anymore. Maybe I would even be with Rachel by now, I don't know. She's so beautiful, dad, I can't take my eyes off her. Or stop thinking about her.

I wish I was in a perfect world... right now, I'm no way near that. I have to pay doctor's appointments. I owe Quinn 685 dollars. Probably more by now. I have to find a job. And something is up with Puck. Like I said, life s less than perfect. Life is a mess. But let's go back. I feel like I'm beginning with the end. Not good. So, let's go back a week.

The first thing I did the weekend after coming back to glee was to get back into Rachel's good graces. And she could have definitely made it more difficult for me. I'm still makings trips to Dayton, because Quinn keeps asking for fruits that I can't find here so now I directly drive those 75 miles. I don't even remember what I brought back this time. I asked her on Friday to go with me on the one I was supposed to take on Saturday (I only go there once a week now) and she said okay. I wasn't sure she would, because of the last kiss we shared. The one I still think about. When I discovered I felt more than friendship. But she was very understanding. And she went with me.

On the way in, we sang along with the radio. Like we did the last time. Once there, we stated talking. I was very hesitant, not willing to feel the pain and the weird feelings again. But I had to know. So, I began.  
"So, with Puck?"  
She hesitated a bit.  
"I broke up with him. It was for the best. He was nice to me, and respected me, but it could have never have worked out. I think he has feelings for someone else. And so do I." I almost didn't catch the end of her sentence, she spoke so low. Puck has feelings? I wasn't sure of that, but she's more perceptive of me. It could be true. Not only girls have those. I do too...  
"I didn't like it much. I know him, and I was scared you would get hurt." Yeah, so I didn't tell her everything. And?  
"Thank you, Finn, for being concerned with my feelings. But I am perfectly fine now." I'm sure she said more, but I got lost.  
She must have seen it wasn't finished. "Finn, what it is?"  
"I thought you didn't appreciated me anymore because I wasn't popular anymore." Okay, so I rant. I was nervous. "We shared a wonderful moment a few days earlier and the minute I get slushied for the first time you turn to Puck. That hurt a bit."  
I could see the beginning of tears in her eyes. Don't cry, Rachel, please.  
"Don't ever think that, Finn. Your popularity doesn't make me feel any different about you. I just liked the attention, even if it was coming from Puck. I'm sorry if it made you feel like I had let you down, or didn't appreciate the boy behind the football jacket. I like you for you, Finn. I thought you would have understood that by now. What I didn't understand is why you went over to the jocks that easily."  
It was my turn to hesitate.  
"Well... seeing you with Puck and believing you only cared about popularity made it easier. Plus I have a sensitive girlfriend who didn't take her first slushy very well. I had to protect her. She had never known the unpopular side of school before. So I thought that if we weren't gonna get shushied anymore, it was worth it. I did that for my kid. And for myself. She's bitchy enough as it is. Being popular helped a bit." I wondered what she was thinking. I was worried she couldn't accept it.  
"It' okay, Finn. In your way, you took one for the team too. But I'm so glad you're back."  
"Me too, Rachel. Me too."  
I paused a bit and asked my last question. The one that burned my lips the most.  
"So, we're still best friends?" I said playfully. She didn't need to know how hard it had been to think that I had lost her friendship  
"Of course, Finn. I would not have it any other way." She smiled at me big time.  
When we got back to her house, we were still singing. And I was happy again.

I really like those little trips. Feels like a vacation. Quinn is okay with it anything because I bring her back what she asks. Maybe she found something else to do, because she even yells less over Rachel. I think i'll ask her to go every week from now on. I pick her up, and we sing, and we talk, and we laugh. I learn vocabulary. We have a great time. I need her so much lately. I'm not sure what I would have done without her. Thanks, Rachel. I'll be forever grateful for that.

Monday, my problem took a whole new form. With mom, we never had much money, and she often has to take double shifts just to make end meet. And it's okay. I mean, it would be better with a bit more, but we're not unhappy in our little house and everything. I never wanted fancy things. And working a bit in the summer was enough money for me for the whole year. I had never though of money as something I needed more than what I had. Until that Monday. When Quinn presented me with a new task. Have money. To pay her doctor's appointments. Well... that was a whole new world.

And I have to pay it all. I know. I already was looking for a job, even if in my mind the bills wouldn't be so huge. Like 685 dollars huge. And she said it's just the beginning. It will only be more. I need a job, and fast. But no one's hiring. There is always something wrong. The hours, the education I don't have, or the 6'3 big-ness. So she said the same things she always does. She told me I was dumb (I'm getting good at detecting that meaning coming from her), and then she pulled the baby thing. She needs to know I'm the right father for her baby. But she can't really change that. I am the father. And I want to be a good one, even if it's just for the months where she's carrying. I know she knows. And she gets me all the time on that. So, I guess I'll have to look harder. Because otherwise, I don't know how I'm gonna pay for all of this.

That's all she talked about all day long. How I had to pay for her bills. She's following my search for a job too. Not happy about it, but at least she didn't yell too much. But I know how her parents are. I know she's in trouble if they find out. This is my kid too. And I know she's clever than me. She reminds me of it every single day. I have to find a job. I do. Really. There was nothing else in my mind. Until I heard of a song dipped in chocolate. I must have missed something, because that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

But now we all have to raise money for Artie's bus, so he can come with us all to Sectionals. I get the together thing, but a bake sale, when am I going to have the time to bake? I'm terrible at it. It's one of those experiments that mom sopped quickly when she saw the damages I made. So I tried to get out of it, but I don't think that worked. Because I still have to hold it with everyone else. When did money become so important?

Karma's a bitch. I don't even know if I believe in that stuff, but after Kurt wanted to sing a girl song, Mr Shue wanted us to realize how hard life in a wheel chair can be. So he made us be in one for at least three hours every day for a week. I didn't even think I could fit in one of those. But I found out I could. And that receiving backpacks and stuff in the face and in the eyes hurt. Going everywhere is hard. The stairs are a nightmare we can't go over. I was very tired. I could barely take my food in the lunch room. I'm tall, but not in this thing. In this thing, we all look like we're the same height. That really sucks. I love to be able to spot everyone from where I stand. But now, I can't barely see three feet in front of me. And no one pays attention to the guys in wheel chairs. This is hard. Really hard.

The next afternoon, I walked on Quinn and Puck covered with raw food. Like they had been playing with it. No time for play though. And they were a bit too close. She told me they were baking. That close? And that covered in food? They must not be that good bakers. But hell, she was smiling. So I let it pass. Puck left the room, and I went back to cook with her. I hope she can cook. I held her what she was asking. That's all I could do to help. No way I'm ever touching that. I don't want to make people sick.

And now, I have to vote. For whoever sings Defying gravity better. Between Kurt and Rachel. I'm not surprized that Kurts wants to sing a girl song, he's Kurt. And he's gay. But I don't think he dressed better than Rachel. His clothes are just more expensive, I can see that. But Rachel's are... I love it. But anyway, before I even heard them perform, I knew who I was going to vote for. Not because I don't want to see Kurt take her solo (okay, maybe a little) but because I can't imagine him singing better than her. Never.

I don't understand Quinn. Or Puck. I know we all lost popularity. But I don't think we're losers, because we are good at something. So, continue to try to sell those, and stop whining. But then, I watched Brittany give Becky money to buy a cupcake. And I was wondering witch one was the stupidest. Brittany lost her wheel chair. And never took a test without cheating. And Becky is different, but it's not her fault. No one was buying, so I told them my idea. And Quinn called me an idiot, told me I wasn't worthy of anything. I lost it. A bit. I can't take her attacking me all the time. Tearing me down isn't going to help me get a job. She really should stop. Because she makes it harder for me to stay with her by the minute. I feel like one day, I'm going to blow a fuse. I can't forgive her every mood anymore. I won't leave her, because that's not the right thing to do. But after our baby is born and put out for adoption, I'm getting the hell away from Quinn. Forever. She's way too mean. And trying to apologize for a minute isn't going to cut it. I don't love you anymore, Quinn. And I think you already know that. Don't make it any harder, for both of us, please.

Something is definitely up with Puck. Not because he took Quinn's side, throwing up all that 'bros before hos' stuff right out in the garbage. Or for calling me an idiot (is there only one person in this school who doesn't think I am one?). All of he sudden, he chooses Quinn over me, accusing me to do nothing to take care of my kid. If only he knew. But we don't talk about these things. He doesn't have to go to Dayton, or hear the pretty much constant flow of yells and insults coming from Quinn. I'm not like him, I don't steal. I want to find a good way to take care of my kid, and good ways don't come as easy as the bad ones. I want to be able to tell that I did the right thing, to look at myself in the mirror. It's like my old friends are turning on me. Like I don't have any value anymore. I do what I think is right, and he can go to hell for it. I have to take care of two human beings now. It's so easy to be on the side and tell me all I do is wrong. But I'm Quinn's boyfriend. I have to take care of her. So I lost it, again. And I don't even regret it. Mr Shue stopped our fight. And Puck let us off the hook. But I'm not sure we're best friends anymore. There is a lot I'm not sure anymore. But I didn't say anything. I just made a face and left Mr Shue. It was not a good week.

Rachel was nervous, when I was repairing her chair. Nervous that she wouldn't get the solo back or something. And that no one liked her. So I told her not to be and she began one of her long sentences I get lost in. But I know she's gonna win. She's the best singer I ever heard. She's beautiful, and she needs to work on people skills but I like her. But she knows that. I feel very good when she's around. I know I probably told you this a million times already, dad, but it's true. And I need it. Badly. I felt better than usual when Quinn ran in the room yelling because she had received a past due notice for the bill. Not the first one I see. We get those often. Rachel was still there, I think a bit embarrassed. Quinn is putting all this pressure on me all the time. I do my best but it's never okay. But this time, it wasn't as bad as the others. Quinn said she would kill me if I didn't pay her bill on time (that is a new one). And that she would broke up if it happened again. And she left. I was shocked. I felt like I was screwed. And then Rachel had an idea. I'm really glad she was here.

The day of the diva off, when she entered the choir room, I went to her to wish her good luck. She was sure to get my vote. I know Quinn was watching me. Too bad I don't care, Quinn. Anyway, Kurt began. I had no idea he could actually sing it. But I think something went wrong. Something was off in the high notes. I'm sorry for him, but I'm not going to be sorry that she won. She has this amazing voice... I was like transported somewhere else. And I don't ever want to hear her yell in high notes. She seriously can hurt our ears.

The next day, I spotted Quinn and Puck talking in the hallway. So I called her, and he moved to see me coming. And then I handed her my pay check. Because I got a job. Okay, Rachel got me one. I was really impressed. She was being herself, speaking fast and using big words but the manager understood all that. I got a good part of it, but I played dumb kid like she told me to. And it worked! It pays good and I get to keep all my tips. So I have to stay in a wheel chair for a little bit longer, but who cares? I finally can take care of Quinn, her bills and our kid. I'm gonna stay in a wheel chair until I can find another one. I will finally have something good to write in my resume. Puck didn't seem happy, now that I think of it. Whatever. I was happy. Quinn was smiling at me for once. And I got to give her a lift in my wheel chair.

At least one thing turned out fine. Our bake sale suddenly tuned very, very popular. Thanks to Puck. He saved us all. Quinn was smiling. He saved the day. His cookies had brought 1200 bucks into glee's pockets. He was the hero around the auditorium. And then Artie chose to use the money for a ramp there. He was the hero of us poor dudes who have to carry him in. I think everyone was a hero today, in their own way. As a bonus, we really had a good time in that wheel chair number.

And it's decided. This week end, Rachel comes with me again to look for Quinn's next frivolity. And yes, dad, she taught me that word. She has to drive because I'm still supposed to be handicapped. I'm so glad. I feel like I could go on those vacations every day.

* * *

(Rachel)

When he came back to Glee, one of the first things he did was to make amends to me personally. He asked me on one of his trips to Dayton again. And I think he knows I could have said no, and not have gone with him for one of Quinn's weird demands. But at least it's fruit. It's healthy. Anyway, it felt good to go, so I didn't hesitate to say yes. He picked me up the next day and we really had a good time.

We sang. To the radio, over the radio, without the radio... everything. We laughed a great deal and we talked too. He was nervous, and hesitant. Thinking I would not have forgiven him? There is nothing worse than losing Finn as a friend. He didn't even have to male amends. But I'm so glad he did anyway. I thought he was a bit jealous, because of his dislike of my two-days relationship with Puck. I told him the truth, that we dated for the wrong reasons, and that Puck and I both had feelings for someone else. My voice was so low, I don't know if he heard it all. He was genuinely worried for me, I could see it on his face. That warmed my heart. He was looking out for me. And I thanked him.

I realized that it had hurt him too. He thought I only liked him because he was popular. Now way, Finn. First of all, I'm way past only liking you, and second, it's the boy I fell in love with, not the football jacket. Finn is sweet, and kind, and attentive. And he didn't seem to regret our last kiss one bit. The one I still think about every day. In the auditorium. I feel very proud that even then I helped him in some tiny way. I don't care about him getting a slushy in his face. I get one every day. It has only slowed a bit before their fall from the popularity pedestal. And then I realized that his belief in my not liking him anymore only made it easier for him to choose the other camp. So now, I feel guilty. For what happened to Kurt too. I don't think he would have joined them otherwise. I'm sorry, Finn, that you ever felt that you lost me in any way. I understand the other reasons behind it. He wanted a better situation at school, since he had already lost his best friend. And I know how hard Quinn is taking the ice syrup showers. We all do. I must be important to him, now. Like a real best friend. I feel more, but that's okay. The simple fact that he has such a high opinion of me made up for everything he can't reciprocate. So, are we still best friends, he asked me. I could see on his face that he was happy. Always, Finn. Always.

On Monday, I heard him and Quinn talk about bills he had to pay. And he doesn't have a penny to his name. So, I'm gonna help him, when and if he asks me. I'm gonna help him find a job. I prefer a happy Finn. And if supporting Quinn is going to make him feel better, then I'm gonna do all I can to help him achieve that. We're not together, I know, but at least I can help him not being miserable.

My thoughts were still hanging on that when I heard Kurt saying something about _Defying gravity_. Glee was doing it and I really wanted that solo and the high F that goes with it. He seemed way too enthusiastic. But Mr Shue gave it to me. He didn't want to rearrange it, and he was right. I am perfect for that song. On another hand, we also have to raise money for a bus that can take Artie with us to Sectionals. The fact that the school wouldn't pay for it is completely outrageous. And more outrageous is the reaction my fellow glee-clubbers had. Like Artie could come with his dad. I don't think so. Being all together is part of it all. But this time, I didn't want t be the only voice saying he had to come with us. So I didn't say anything, I just felt bad for him.

Karma found me. For not having spoken my mind. I don't mean the wheel chair thing, because we all deserve it. We all deserved to have Mr Shue berate us about not being supportive of Artie. We all deserve to spend three hours a day for a week in a wheel chair. And for doing a number in it. I think everyone was shocked. But we still deserved it. Mr Shue he made it clear. We all go, or no one goes. And we have to hold a bake sale.

I can see now where Artie comes from. Being all day in a wheel chair is really, really difficult. I can't reach to my plate in the cafeteria. And when I finally had in in my lap, feeling really good for finally having something to eat, I got showered in it. Like a warm slushy. And it is worse. I spend the rest of the lunch hour cleaning myself in the toilets. And I cheated. I tried to stay and do it from my wheel chair, but as I couldn't reach for the water, I got up and did it the usual way. I was very careful that no one saw me. And I got back on my seat and got out, ready to stay an hour long in that chair for having cheated that time while I was cleaning. I'm so happy to feel everything from the waist down. I'm not sure what I would do without two perfectly functioning limbs. The only time we had real fun in it, was when we sang Proud Mary.

But now, Kurt is also fighting me for the _Defying gravity_ solo. This isn't right. I don't think he can't hit that high. And it is a song usually sung by a girl. By me. And Kurt's dad insisted for us to have a competition. He threatened to sue the school for wrongful discrimination. Mr Shue is unfair. He gave me a part for witch I now have to audition in a diva-off. More like a popularity contest. The fellow glee-clubbers will be the judges. And I will lose because no one likes me. I told Mr Shue he had to stop ruining my life, but he didn't seem really moved. So, I'm going to rehearse that song and I'm going to win back that solo. My solo.

I was rambling to Finn about my being nervous because I wasn't really liked by anyone in the club. But I was doing it for them, for the accessibility a female version of _Defying gravity_ naturally held. He had just repaired my wheel chair and I was really glad he was there with me. I really don't know anything about wheel chair's mechanics. But he does. I was saying I wasn't appreciated and he began by telling me I should work on my own accessibility skills. He didn't say it like that, but the meaning was clear. Thanks, Finn. But then he told me he liked me with that half smile I love so much. So, there it is. Someone in Glee likes me. Finn. He made my day. He made my week.

Quinn suddenly erupted in the room, yelling at Finn. I stayed because she told me to. I was really embarrassed, and I was feeling really bad for Finn. Was it always like that? He had often told me so, but I thought part of it was exaggeration. Not anymore. She did all her usual stuff. Called him a moron, then an incapable, then she was going to kill him. And to go her separate way. I wanted to yell 'don't temp him'. If only that had been true. But I also know he endured it, as always. I'm not sure whether it's real love (so then, why would he ever have kissed me?) or real chivalry and being a gentlemen that made him stay with her no matter what. I was sad. I couldn't let him stay that way. And then, eureka. Finn never asked me to help him. I did it anyway. I got him a job. I stood up in that restaurant and went on full diva-mode on the manager. And it worked! He has to stay in a wheel chair for the duration, but he told me that was something he had to do. I'm so proud of us both.

The diva off arrived. All I can say is that all my work paid off. The hours I put in perfecting this beautiful song didn't go to waste. I loved Finn coming to me in front of everyone to encourage me. I won. But I wish Kurt hadn't blown that high F. I wanted to win because I really was the best singer, not because he couldn't hold that note. I already knew I was the only one with the proper voice range. So, they voted for me, because they couldn't have voted for him. It never felt like winning. It felt like being the best by default. Not rewarding, at all. But that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna enjoy this solo. I really love Defying gravity. And this was my solo to begin with. If I sing it at Sectionals... the judges will love me!

The bake sales was a success, thanks to Puck. And the money, after a few detours, will pay for that bus. Mr Shue told me that Ms Sylvester had brought this about. I wanted to thank her, but he told me it was a bad idea. So I kept my mouth shut. Hoping karma wouldn't get to me again... speaking about karma, Finn has to go back to the store this week end. But I have to drive, because he has to stay in a wheel chair until he finds another job that doesn't make him handy-capable. I can't wait!


	11. Ballad

**Hello everyone! I'm so sorry about the delay.  
I really thought I would never see the end of this week... crazy schedule and going through stuff sure don't make for a lot of time to write. Until Friday. I spend almost my entire time at work writing. This chapter. Three other stories. A lot. And loving it just as much.  
So... back to **_**Ballad**_**. I don't like Rachel crushing on Mr Shue. Not at all. But Rachel ranting on him was a blast to write. It's a schoolgirl crush. Irrational. Immoderate. Too bad Finn has too much on his own plate to really care...  
Okay, stopping now. Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

_(Finn)_

Before I came to school today, I was a little depressed. I was still feeling the hold of Halloween on me. I never told you why... I never go out... why... I never celebrate... why... I hate it. As far as I can remember, I never went out on Halloween. I never went to another people's houses asking for candy, trick-or-treating them. The only time I went out was last year. And it was past midnight. October 31st was officially over. I did it for my team. I needed to be an example. For what we did that night... throwing eggs, and toilet paper at people and at things. It never felt good. I never was like that. I bolted as quickly as I could. October 31st was never happy for me.

When I was five, I remember seeing her cry. I was dressed in a uniform. The soldiers were heroes, fighting a war somewhere in the world. It was Halloween night, and it was just a disguise. I asked her why she was crying, and she told me.

You had gone to fight in another country, to protect a country, a wife and an unborn baby. You were even scheduled to come home for the holidays. You had gotten a two weeks permission, because mom was to be due soon. She had received your letter only hours before. It was the day my mom received the news. The day she realized she had lost everything. The day the Army told her you had been killed in action, and had died a hero. October 31st, 1993 was the worst day of her life. I was born only two months later, on January 3rd. Every year, this is a very difficult time for me. And I never told anyone. All I wanna do all day is cry. This is the only day I allow myself time to cry over you. Time to mourn. Time to feel the loss. Everything. So I feel, I mourn and I cry. Puck spends it playing X-box. Quinn... I don't even care. I miss you so much.

But all was better today. Quinn was in a good mood, and so was I. It almost remembered me the good times we had had at the beginning of our relationship. She had been so nice then... I was in some sort of awe. It's the first real break I had since she found out. So when Mr Shue said we had to sing a ballad for a partner, I choose her. Until fate decided otherwise. I would have enjoyed any other girl. Rachel, of course, but also Mercedes, Brittany, or even Santana. But Kurt? What exactly is fate telling me? I'm definitely not gay. No way. In hell. But when Rachel picked Mr Shue, he tried to back out. I didn't let him. Endless love isn't a song she should have sung with him, though, but I went all the way, just as a little payback. The fates had talked... for both of us.

Yeah. Until she started to sing, and I was staring at her. Again. And Quinn noticed. Again. I can't help it. Again. She's Rachel... but this duet turned weird. Rachel looked... like in a trance. And Mr Shue looked... concerned? Weirded out? Uncomfortable. Not good. I don't think he liked the shine in her eyes. Well, frankly, that makes two.

I heard of the gift she gave Mr Shue. Why did she never gave me one? Yes, I know the answer to that one. I have a girlfriend. And she already gives me her friendship. Witch is very important to me. But Mr Shue has a wife. I work for her now. It's crap, but it pays the bills. And it's not the point. Why him? He's like... 37 or something. Puck, I sort of understood. We're the same age. But Mr Shue is way too old for her. He could be her dad. Eww. Plus, I used to receive from her more than my equal share of attention... and now she's moving on (sort of) to someone else... but I don't want her to move on to someone else! And I know I sound selfish, but I can't help it! Seeing her being too much friendly with another guy always makes me feel this way.

But right now, I have other worries. Kurt asked me to sing to him what I felt. For him? Absolutely nothing. And that's the only thing I could do at first. Absolutely nothing. I can't sing to him. No way in hell for a love song, but even if it's not. I can't sing to a guy. It's just too weird. And I don't need that. I don't need to get even lower in my social status. And he was expecting something, looking at me with... some weird expression, a bit like the way Rachel was looking at Mr Shue. Not god. Not good at all. I lost it (only a bit, dad) when he kept pushing me. And then I apologized. But I think he tried to turn me over to the other side. I'm not gay. Never will be. I almost took my apology back. But then, he helped me pass over the whole singing-to-a-dude thing. Really. I think he could be a friend. He really helped me out on this one.

So I sang. I sang to the only person I though I could never reach out to. My little girl. My daughter. So I sang to her. Imagining her in the audience, turning at the DVD of her ultrasound. _I'll stand by you_. Even if I never see you growing up. The DVD led led to my mom finding out. I was singing in my room, the door open. I was so scared at first. I tried to make it as if singing to a sonogram was the most natural thing in the world. But I know I also was emotional. I was... I'm not sure. Scared. Glad. Scared that she would yell, or throw me out, or something. Glad that she would eventually find out. But she didn't. I could see it was a shock. But she told me it was gonna be okay. And I so, so wanted to believe her. She just held me, stroking my back, and I cried on her shoulder.

That didn't go so well with Quinn. I told her that my mom knew. And she freaked out. She was scared. That my mom would tell hers. No way. We don't live in the same world. She has wealth, and Country Club, and Debutante balls, and Celibacy balls... I don't think they ever met. But Quinn freaking out destroyed in a minute all the work I had done to have her stop yelling at me all the time. In a minute, I was back at being dumb and imbecile and she was the smart one tearing me down. She was right, I was wrong. All went bad to worse. But in all this, I knew we had to tell her parents. And I knew when to do it. When they had invited me for dinner, on Sunday night. At that time, I wish Rachel had been there for me. I needed someone to talk to. But she was fixed on Mr Shue. It definitely didn't help me get better. She was into someone else, and I was losing all interest in her eyes. That hurt me the most. Now, I had two girls I had to win back.

Kurt went back to try to turn me gay. When is he gonna realize that I could never be gay. Girls drive me crazy but I like this kind of crazy. Sort of. It's like I prefer to go through it all than find me girl-less. I thanked him again. Gosh, I hope he doesn't get crazy around me again... the last time, it freaked me out enough. He does have some good tips. Weird, girly tips, but that's okay. Most of the time.

I never knew he had lost his mom. I guess maybe it is better to have nothing at all than have actual memories from when you were five or six... I mean I don't feel like crying when I'm going through your stuff that mom never threw out. It's like you left tips for me on how to be a man, or in this case, how to dress. I feel like he's a real friend, if only because we at least share this. I have a mom, he has a dad. And no one else. And he knows dressing codes better than I do. That's a good thing. It was still weird feeling that we have the same size. I'm only 16... It turned out a bit weird again when he put both his hands on my shoulders holding ties... Okay, so maybe he's way way too much into me but it feels like it's okay because he's not thinking like the other guys. I can talk, and he listens. In the basement, I made my mind. After rambling on the courage it took to fight for something you think is right and talking about guns (that was weird coming from him because he's kind of a pacifist... when it's not about music), I finally understood what he was saying and I'm gonna sing on Sunday. I'm gonna sing the truth to the Fabrays. It's all in my mind already. The song just came out in my head as I was watching myself in the mirror again. It's all mixed up. I am nervous... so nervous about telling Quinn's parents the truth... but I know it is the right thing to do.

I could not believe the house Quinn grow up in. It's like, twenty times our house, dad, maybe even more. I don't know. I didn't get the full tour. Her dad had told me he was going to show me after dinner. Well... we never really got to that. Instead, I got a roommate. It had all started so well... Quinn was smiling and I was doing my best not to be freaked out by the big-ness of the house. The dinner was delicious, even if Mrs Fabray doesn't really look like she's doing any of the cooking. Just taking credit for it. Then Mr Fabray proposed a toast. My nervousness got up a notch. It was a bit too over the top for me. His loving wife, his eldest daughter married to a man who had succeeded (in his opinion), and Quinn. At that, I stopped smiling like a dork. I was in shock. She hadn't told them anything. Not about Celibacy club, not about the Cheerio... nothing. The only thing true in all I caught of his speech was me being the quarterback. That, that had me nauseous. And really freaking out. And running to the bathroom with a lame excuse.

I called Kurt, feeling breathless. I had just made a fool of myself in front of Quinn's family. She was being a princess in her eyes. Did she never throw any tantrums when she was at home? Maybe I should live there then. On second thought, maybe not. They're freaking me out way too much. I made a fool of myself to Kurt too, but I didn't care about that a bit. He had to help me. And I really say whatever poops into my head when I'm this stressed out. Better to him than to them. Anyway. Then I made a fool out of myself to the bathroom's mirror. Good thing it can't respond. I took a deep breath, walked through the kitchen again, this time borrowing the CD player, and went back to the dining room table to set it down. I had to do it then, or I never would have done it.

Quinn was worried. And doing her best not to show it. Freaking out more and more. Getting her father curious at her repeated attempts at stopping me from doing what I was set on doing. She still hadn't forgiven me for telling my mom, so I think she knew what I was getting at. I didn't like the song that much, but it was to the point. I think she was choking out. Better yet, imagining me choke out. Because by the second couplet, her mom was not smiling anymore. By the fourth, her dad had stopped too. They were getting the point. And not, really, really not liking it. I thought he was going to punch me.

They were all disappointed. Quinn was almost crying. And her mom accused me of lying when I told her we didn't have sex. It is true, though. We never had sex! Her mom was crying too. Her dad telling a story about Quinn being five. She's not five anymore! They were getting me mad real quick. They wanted to kick me out. Then her too. Quinn is worse off then me, dad. She's got parents who can't accept failure. I don't think they ever saw one of her report cards. And are not curios, after all, this is a public school, and they are so... up there. I could feel Quinn barely able to talk. Had I not been so mad at what I was seeing, I would probably have done something more. But I knew that moving would get me to react in a bad way. So, I just stood there, supporting Quinn in silence. She's gonna need me more than ever now.

I don't think she'll ever forgive me. But that's okay. I'm with her for real now. I have to. It's my responsibility she's in that mess. She doesn't have a house anymore. She's living with us now. When mom saw me come back, with Quinn, she knew something was really wrong. I just told her that Quinn didn't have a home, and she said okay for her to stay with us without hesitation. That's when I knew I was lucky to have a mom like that. She helped Quinn when it mattered. Quinn's no princess anymore, she no Cheerio, she's no president (they kicked her out when they found out she was pregnant). But mom doesn't care about any of that. She's a pregnant sixteen year old girl in need. And we're all gonna be better now that it tuned out that way. That's why I don't care if Quinn ever forgives me. This is better. Maybe she'll see it, one day.

Kurt was all sorry his plan had backfired. He apologized. But I said it was okay, that it's better this way. I needed a little reassurance, all that had happened so fast. But i'm sure. Better to have everything out in the air, than buried in our chests. I was feeling good about everything. Until he told me the title of his ballad. I freaked out. And tried not to show it. I'll have to thank Mercedes for interrupting me rambling and preventing him from singing. Thanks, Mercedes. For real. I think I'll stop asking Kurt for advice now. I need Rachel back. For real, too.

I was curious about what they wanted to give me. It was three, and I was getting hungry, so I asked if it was a cake. Wrong answer. I was being dragged by Mercedes. Quinn was smiling a little. Reassured, a bit. Nervous. And saying dumb things like I do when I am. A bit scared when I heard they were gonna sing to us. Not as much as a smiling Rachel answered. At least I know Kurt didn't choose it. Relaxed at the first notes of _Lean on me_. Fine when Quinn took my hand. Happy when they started to act like a family, all smiling, hugging each other, and getting us to stand with them. Everyone's there for us. I forgot quickly Kurt getting weird on me again. Everyone's there for... all of us. They could never have chosen a better song. So now I have two families, dad. One at home, and one at school. That is the best that could happen to me.

* * *

_(Rachel)_

Sectionals are coming! Sectionals are coming! Sectionals are coming!

I can't wait! Not even six weeks away. December 19th! The day after my birthday!

I can't believe my weekly letter to the Ohio Show Choir Committee finally let to something! I feel so proud to be the initiator of a new rule for Sectionals. We now have to perform a ballad! Upping the number of numbers to three! They wrote to me. I received the letter yesterday. They wrote to me! I can't believe it! That's when I knew Sectionals were really near. I need to tell everyone as soon as possible. But maybe Mr Shue already knows. I really don't care. Either I tell them, or I act surprised. I can't wait for them to thank me! It's really a great news. And I already know what I will be performing. It will be an honor to accept that responsibility. But I am the female lead. I already have those responsibilities. And I have the best voice for a ballad. I am the best. With so many songs already prepared for such an occasion. My favorite? _Funny Girl's_... _Don't rain on my parade_. The best I have. I've been preparing for it for so long. We can't lose with a song as beautiful like that! I feel very good about Sectionals. Very good. I can't wait! I can't wait!

And it helps keeping my mind off some other things. Like Finn and Quinn. My only relief for the pain I feel every time I see him smile at her or holding her hand is the weekly trip we take. It's the only time I feel really like myself. It hurts because I tend to forget we're just friends. And then I have to go back to reality. But the little time we can talk about everything without any restraint is worth it. Being both this happy is worth... everything.

We sang Endless love as a ballad today... Mr Shue and I. I can't believe it. How could I not notice him before. He's not just trying to destroy my career. He's also just like me. Sure of himself. Incredibly sexy. So good looking. Expressive eyes, great teeth, beautiful voice... he made me notice him in a whole new way... an incredible way... a marvelous way... I don't know how to describe it. He's... he's... perfection.

But now I wonder... what did I ever saw in Finn? Mr Shue is so superior. In every way. Mind, body, spirit... all of it.

But he didn't seem that thrilled when I told him we were going to sing together all week long because Matt's not coming back until next week. I couldn't wait to rehearse the ballad we were going to sing every day with him. I even bought him a present to emphasize my admiration and the deep feelings I have for him. I was so excited! I didn't understand why he didn't liked my gift. A tie. Blue, the best color for him. With embroided gold stars on it. He could think of me every day, and feel good about himself for helping me becoming a star. But that didn't set me back. I just needed to find something else to make him really notice the feelings I have for him. He's my whole universe now. My sun, my moon. My night, my day. I dream of him every day. I wake up with a smile on my face because I know that i'm gonna see him at school. I can't help but being happy that I finally found him. Someone really worthy of all the love I can give.

When I joined Mr Shue for rehearsal, he wasn't alone. And he had picked a song. Well, a medley. But that didn't bug me. I loved his attention. He picked two songs for me, two songs that reflected how he felt about me... I could not be more ecstatic. But Ms Pillsbury? Why was she here? She has no business meddling into our affairs. What we feel for each other is only of our concerns. She told me excuses that no one would ever have given me. They were so bad, so bad. Even Finn never told me that lame an excuses. No offense to Finn.

Mr Shue sang me 'Young girl' and 'Don't stand so close to me'. I didn't listen to the lyrics one bit. Okay, only a little little bit. I was enthralled by his singing to me. And I found a new competition. Ms Pillsbury. Now I get why she was here. But she has to back off. I can appreciate her taste in men, but she needs to step down. He had just sang his attraction to me. He thought I was too young for him, but I don't care. I need to make him see that I'm not. I need to find songs that illustrate that to the utmost. I have work to do. Mr Shue... Mr Shue... I know you're gonna love me. As much as I love... you. Mr Shue...

I wanted to see where he was living. He had given us his address at the beginning of the year, and his phone number, in case we had an emergency. Well, this was an emergency. His wife let me in. I'm not really afraid of her. She's pregnant. It's okay. And I don't mind someone else in his life. For now. She was there before me. So I cooked him dinner. She was glad not having to do it. I know I'm a good cook. I was so excited when I heard him come home... I handed him a beer his wife had told me he drank every evening after work. That is not a healthy habit, but we'll change it later. Mrs Shuester made me do everything that needed to be done in her house. She's further along than Quinn, and some kind of lazy. I think. Who would not do everything for him? Anyway, I didn't mind a bit. Cleaning the kitchen, the living room, then cook, then the bathroom. It was so worth it when I got to see one of his baby pictures. He was already so cute as a baby... no wonder he's an Apollo now.

All of the sudden, he was angry. He was yelling something about me being a slave and how he had to take me home. I'm not a slave, Mr Shue. I'm doing all this out of my own free will. I do it for you. I told him that. But he took me home anyway. And he had me in the back seat. He was seeing me as a child. But I'm not seven anymore. I'm sixteen. I'm not a child. I was a disappointed, until he reassured me. It was for my safety. He really thinks about every little thing... but then he was not? I don't know. I didn't want him to see me cry. So, I changed the subject. I had made us a CD to practice our ballad, and I had taken it with me. I can't believe I had almost forgotten it before coming to his house... I was so nervous to see the house when he was relaxing every day after a hard day's work for the first time. But my organization skills had paid off, once again. So, I put the CD into the player, and began to sing to _Crush_. Bu he didn't let me finish it, pretexting bad acoustics. It wasn't that bad. And I had spend so much time rehearsing it. So, I put my seat belt back on, like he asked me to (see, see, safety!)

He got me talking about Puck. Annd I told him why I broke things off. High school boys re so immature. All of them. No exceptions. And not one can keep up with me. Not really. That's why I know that Mr Shue and I are a sure thing. I don't mind his being older. But he can keep u with me. I see it in his eyes that he understands everything I say, no matter how fast, or how precise I get (like when I get really nervous, or really angry). And he understood that. He admitted that it was hard for high school boys. I see higher, Mr Shue. Always have. I see the future. My goals. And I could see him making some kind of a face when I told him. That wasn't nice, at all, but I understood the needs to keep up appearances. I know how you really feel, Mr Shue. Because I feel it too.

And I really, really don't mind Suzy Pepper. Not afraid. She can't do anything to me. She can't sing. And I know how much singing is important in Mr Shue's life. She's no competition. No competition at all.

But then, I saw her again in the girl's bathroom. I was putting make up on, getting ready to sing with Mr Shue. I threatened her to press charges, but she wasn't moved. She didn't seem afraid of me, and of my diva side. I was telling her how she was no competition to me. It didn't matter to her. And she made a speech. She was actually able to keep up with me intellectually. At first, I listened to it because she was talking about Mr Shue. Then, I started to listen because she was speaking from experience. She knew the real reason behind all my craziness this week. And she knew what was going to happen if it went on any longer.

She was right. I'm more attractive than her but we're still on the mildly side. Our intellects keeps us from really blend in this high school society. And because of that, loving is even harder. We only look at what we can't have because in a way it is reassuring to think that if love isn't requited, then it's okay to feel lonely. Because we set our goals too high. Because everyone, in a way, is too high. And the teachers? The teachers are higher than everyone else. Requited love is forbidden and punished by law. So it's normal to be alone because our love is punished by law. We're on the caste that can't love. That isn't worthy of it. No matter how we project our feelings. No matter the target. Finn, Mr Shue, all the same. One can never love me back because he has a pregnant girlfriend and the other... is a teacher so it is even worse. So, are my feelings for Finn even real? Was he not just the object of a longer fixation than Mr Shue? Have I had all this heartache because I was looking too far ahead of myself? I have to admit, even as a high schooler, his social cast is on the other side of the scale. He was been downgrading a bit, but not enough to make any feelings on his side real. We're not even that closer on the academics side. He's barely making the grades to stay in athletics, and I'm already running for class valedictorian.

I feel ashamed to have felt so much based on an illusion. I'm so glad that you're not judging me. I'm doing all that perfectly well all by myself. I wish I was an ostrich, digging a hole and burying myself there. But I had not time. I needed to change my song immediately. Good thing I always have several choices for every occasion. I went to buy a flower during lunch and I brought it with me in the choir room. Mr Shue didn't let me talk, he wanted me to stop. I was inappropriate. I think be both felt relieved when he heard witch song I had chosen. I wanted to really apologize, but I felt so bad, so ashamed in front of him. I wanted to disappear, to forget that week and never come back here. Something lifted from my shoulders when he became my teacher again. He was very understanding. He was my favorite teacher. And I remembered why. If there is one positive thing to get out of all this, it's his faith in me and in my singing. And I don't believe what he told me, but I'm willing to take his words to my heart forever. It's really hard to believe that someone is gonna love me for who I am, for all I am, but it's a good place to start to rebuild that self esteem, and not just that oversized ego I tend to have. The only thing I could do was to say thanks. So I did. Mr Shue is a fabulous professor. And I say that based on objectivity only. I'm not the first one of his students he's helping. So, once again, thanks.

When Mercedes got me on board for Lean on me, I was more than glad to have someone else sing the verses. I was ecstatic at the idea to sing a song for them, because a kid in high school is a very difficult time and Mr Shue later told us her parents had kicked her out. Only Puck wasn't in all that. I don't know what his problem is. We all have to support Finn and Quinn, and he doesn't get to be the exception. No one does. I was so happy singing with everyone. Completely into the song. But I still took the time to observe closely my surroundings. I have eleven friends now. An entire new family. With flaws. My feelings for Finn are real, but I don't want to fight them. I need him too much as a friend. I'll just show them less. Finn made a face about something he saw. I hope it's not me. Puck was too reluctant to singing. Quinn's probably just being herself. But I got hugged by Brittany. And almost by everyone else. It's a family. Like every other. A family I'll always be honored to be a part of. Let's celebrate!

* * *

**That was a bit long to come. But I had spent the last week end a bit down because you hadn't left me any reviews for last chapter! I want to thank again the one I received on Monday. I can take constructive flames. Don't hesitate to tell me if you're disappointed. And I'll ask again. Do you have any ideas you'd want to see in here? I'm open to suggestions.  
Be back soon. Don't forget to review!**_**  
Eomyn**_


	12. Hairography

_**Hairography**_**... I was so happy at first... but I had forgotten the Lily Allen **_**Smile**_** version was in the next episode. Okay, not starting as well as I thought. After crunching it to 5 minutes just to get an idea, I knew it would be great. It was harder to write, though.  
Rachel's up and down, and Finn's left to right. And I need those final scenes for later...  
So, without further delay...**

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* * *

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_(Finn)_

Something changed in the way I see Quinn. Now that she's living in our house, now matter how bad the day or how much we fight, I also get to see her weak moments. And I think that woke up something in me. Something I didn't think was there anymore. I feel good when she's around. Not that good when she's screaming at me, because that pretty much didn't change, but still... I feel good when she's around, and even better when she's smiling. Now that she's with us, I feel like it's gonna be okay. Most of the time anyway.

Sometimes, I feel like she's back to being this extra sweet girl she was once to me.. the encouragements have stopped, but I can deal with her just smiling. It's just so much better than at school. When she's around in the house, she's not as yelling, not as angry. She doesn't call me stupid at home. But home is small... maybe my mom would hear. Maybe she's just being polite. She has no problem calling me stupid at school. Maybe it's just for mom, but at home, she lets other people take care of her. She just needs support, and she accepts it from the both of us. If you were there, I know you would give it to her too. And my daughter is really, really growing on me. I love her like crazy. For real. So maybe I'm mixing it up, but I feel like some things came back. I feel something for her. Maybe I could love her again.

I'll never forget what she said to us on Thanksgiving. She had been living with us for barely two weeks, but still... she had on a little white dress, her hair loose, and no make up. She didn't need make up. She's beautiful either way. Anyway, we ere sitting, mom, her and me, around the table. Mom had tried to make a real Thanksgiving meal for once, and I should say that it really was great. I was so used to have her work until it was too late to cook (she needed the extra money she made on that day) that we would just do a meal that was a little better than usual and go along with it. But this year, she didn't work. And Quinn helped her cook. I would have, but the only thing I know how to do in a kitchen is catching the appliances that are stored too high for either of them. Other than that, I'm hopeless. So, we started to eat around 6 and said thanks to God. Quinn had asked it, and I was okay with that. She really is a Christian. And it is supposed to be a religious holiday.

We were all seated around the turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie and mom asked us what we ere thankful about this year. I gotta say, dad, at first, I didn't know what to say. What would I be thankful for? Having a new best friend? A baby girl on the way? A mom that forgave me? Real friends? So, I let mom and Quinn go first. Mom said she was thankful to you for me (but she says it every year), that this year had been good enough for her not to work today, and that she was thrilled to spend time with us, that we were her family. She never needs anything else, dad. Just a happy family. Her few words almost brought tears into my eyes, but I held them back. Quinn was thankful for two things. One, for having friends in Glee that were supporting her no matter what, and two, for being in a family that didn't reject her because she wasn't perfect. She was thankful for us, dad. Because we welcomed her without a second thought, and because we were doing everything to make her feel home. And I think that was when I realized that I really felt something. She wasn't saying it just because it was polite. She meant it. For real. She was kind, and understanding, and easy to be with, just like she had at the beginning of us... Then, I had to go on. I was thankful for her, and for the little girl she was carrying. I was thankful for my mom, the only family I got, and I was thankful for Glee, for having real friends in this world. I added a silent thanks to my best friend. I didn't want to do anything than could have changed the air of peace and joy in this house on this particular night. We really felt like a family.

A few days earlier, glee club was weird. Brittany was refusing to rehearse with us, and we weren't really interested in doing it right. I don't really know why. Maybe for the same reason as before: we knew against whom we were competing, and after the mash-up screw-up, sometimes, morale was low, again. I was trying, but some of us... really didn't have it in anymore.

That changed when Mr Shue, on some weird reason I didn't really catch, went to the other schools, and asked them to come to the high school to show us what they were capable of. Well... that was different. First, most of the girls from the Academy were hot. And wearing yellow used shirts as costumes. Some could really sing, too. The hair thing was a little weird, but going well with them. Not with us, though. And the first lead was a bit... too much. They could dance better than me, but almost everyone can. They were way more than us on stage. All girls. Moving their butt around a lot. I was looking, maybe even staring, but not one caught my eye. And they all had a criminal past. I was impressed, but Quinn was annoyed, and kept me from applauding. Sectionals wasn't going to be as easy as we thought.

The next day, Mr Shue presented us with a new number that was supposed to be for Sectionals. At first, I was thrilled, but then... less. _Hair_? I don't have a thong against musicals, I have a thing against wearing a wig and moving like a idiot in every direction just to have my false hair moving. I was good with more hair. I'm not good with making a ass out of myself in it. But I still put it on, like did every other guy, and we weren't that bad to begin with. I don't like long hair in my head, but this is just temporary. Plus, Mr Shue was in on it. Just Rachel seemed a bit off about the whole idea. Well, if it could help us win, I wasn't against it. And no one else at school would see us like that. Maybe, that would be okay too. Plus, everyone seemed to really like it. Well, except Quinn, but she's always bugged when we're at school these days. Like something else is on her mind. And I can't figure out what it is, because she won't tell me about it, of she'll start to yell. And I don't wanna push it. I went back to some feelings for her, I don't want it to go away as quickly as it did last time.

One day, not that long ago, Kurt asked me how I liked girls. Well... this year it feels like it depends on the day and the hour you're asking it. For real? Some things never change.

First, I don't mind short. 5' is the limit, I'm not into grown up midgets. And I like to hold a girlfriend in my chest, not on my leg. Her age? More or less mine. I'm not Puck. I'm definitely not into cougars. Right now, a bit younger would be best. But hey, just a suggestion. Physically? Long hair, big eyes. I don't really care about the color, but I'll draw the limit at all blue or all pink or all green... too much is too much. The color of her skin is the same. I'm more into Caucasian girls, but I'm not discriminating. Is she's the most beautiful girl in the world to me, then I really don't care which country she comes from. In a good way.

Popular-ness (forgot the right word) and hotness are always appreciated. I'm not as into it as a was before. I mean, if she's hot, if she's popular, the better. But I tend to like to have her all for myself. So it doesn't count that much. I think. Glee and the baby helped me see things a bit differently. I can go for a girl if I find her gorgeous and nice and all that.

And for the other stuff... that is why I don't mind her not being popular. One, I am. Okay, not as much as before, but I still can hold my ground. And will be again more soon. Two, popular girls just go for the looks. Artificial, too-much-make-up looks. I love natural. I'm not saying she can't wear make up, I'm saying that I don't want her to be swimming in it. I mean, I like untainted hair. Why can I not like untainted faces? And clothes that are her. Not someone else. As long as she doesn't talk about shopping all the time... I know girls can be very into it. But I'm not. At all. Clothes? Well, a bit loose is fine. Like I said, I prefer when I'm the only one knowing her curves (sort of) inside out. Not everybody at school. Colorful. All black is too sad. No offense to Tina. All something isn't good. Color is like music. All the same is depressing. Different is a good thing.

Lively, please. Life is made to be lived, not to be slept. Funny. I want to laugh. I need to laugh. It's always good to laugh. Sweet. Don't tell me I'm too nice, I won't take it too well. But what I feel is more important, over all those elements, is how I feel about her. If she's like that, she'll have more chance to get me interested. But if she's not, then only knowing her will turn her into what I really need her to be. Just. Everything. To. Me.

But after that, Quinn began acting weird. Like two persons at the same time. Yelling at school, and not (so much) at home. She just stopped smiling at me. I know she has moods, but this is something else. I mean, she smiles to others. At Puck, mostly. Then, why not to me? What did I do wrong, again?

The next day, I was thrown in for a loop. Seriously. The minute I saw Rachel in the hallways, my brain stopped working. She was... hot. I had to do a once over. Really hot. Than a short one again. Heels and a black short dress and a hand on her waist hot. And she passed by me. Not seeing me. Like... I don't know. I called her. Keeping my eyes from looking... down. Well, more down than at her face. She was... really, really distracting. Not-knowing-what-you're-saying distracting. Staring-at-her-face distracting. I caught myself looking at her neck line. Her very low neck line. She started talking again. I looked at her. Staring open mouthed is more like it. She was inviting me over. To help me. Whatever. I said yes. No hesitation. No thinking about Quinn. Good thing we weren't alone. And that she walked away quickly before she could do any more damage. Mailman-like damage...

I stayed still, waiting for my brain to start working again. Then I remembered Quinn. She was smiling. I was afraid she would yell at me for doing something without her on Friday night, but apparently she had plans of her on. Babysitting. Okay. Cool. I didn't say anything else. I didn't want to say something stupid, like asking why she was in a good mood, or say more about Friday night. Or ask if she had seen Rachel's new look. That would have been the worse. So, I just smiled back and went on with my day.

Trying not to eat hair out of my damn wig. More like trying to get them not to come in my mouth. I was less and less sure this hairography thing was a good idea. It seemed to do good for the team, but now Mr Shue is in trouble with Ms Sylvester. We all heard the argument. And it was not the first one.

Friday night, I was at Rachel's. Nervous because her dads had welcomed me. She wasn't ready yet. And I had never been in her room before. I was just sitting on her bed, looking around. Looking straight at her bathroom door when she spoke. Almost afraid of what she was going to do. I was still under shock from her black dress. And what she was saying was not helping. I just wanted to thank her for the help. And she started talking about warming up. Warming up? And singing something else. I was not feeling good. The Grease song? Really? This song had a lot of steam in it. I've never seen Grease, but I had learned the lyrics from our first days in glee. Rachel was not helping me relax, like she always did when she helped me. This was not good. At all.

I almost choked when she came out. In a bad way. She had on a way too tight weird suit and her hair looked even worse than my wig. It was a shock. In a bad way. I was speechless, but not feeling good for her. Not understanding why she would dress like that. Feeling almost angry. At her. And a little at me. Her dress had been like a warning, and the good shock of it made everything worse. She looked worse than ridiculous. I didn't understand what I was doing here. Where was Rachel, the sweet girl with her long stocks and short skirts and stuff? And shy had she turned into this... this... I don't know. I was singing anyway, and she was smiling and moving around. Not good either. _Loosing control_ of my temper. I could not believe what I was seeing. Was that the real her? No, this could not be the real her. She made me stand up, and I was feeling only pity. For her. Where had all this come from? She was not sexy. At all.

I made it stop. Closing my eyes, trying to forget the lame spectacle in front of me. She was ridiculous. She had been proud, once. I was sorry for her. And when she asked what was wrong, I could not help myself, but tell her. The dress was like a doll. The black thing she had on was like a hooker. Even worse. I was being as gentle as I could. And she wanted to cry. Tears were coming into her eyes. I could see that. I mean, I told her. She's way better when she's being herself. With her own clothes. Her own way. And she had done all of this for me? That was what I didn't understand the most. I know she likes me, but... if I liked that, I would have gone out with Santana, or some other Cheerio not like Quinn. I didn't go into details, telling her even less than I had told Kurt, but now she knows that this look doesn't cut it for me. At all.

I tried to make it a bit better. And I realized that I had no right to be there in the first place. I was to blame too. Because I have a girlfriend I finally feel something for again, and at the same time I really like Rachel. I don't think she believed me when I said it. I shouldn't have gone to her house. So, I left. Got into my car, and drove a bit before going back home again. I had done wrong by two girls. And I had to make it right. And I knew where I had to start. Quinn.

But Quinn was not with me on this. Something had bugged her, and she started yelling again, all the time. The only time she didn't yell, was when mom was at home. Otherwise... but I accepted it. I was with her. And right now, nothing could change that. All I had to do, was to take it. And say nothing. So I did. I took it. And kept my mouth shut.

Hairography was a disaster. Dancing like that with Rachel felt weird. It Quinn was not happy, I could feel it. But she didn't say anything. We had guests...  
The deaf kids were a triumph. Singing with them... my smile popped up out of nowhere when Mercedes started the couplet. Quinn was at peace with all of us for the time being, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. It was very... emotional. Very good. Mr Shue had tears in his eyes. All was fine. Until they left.

I could never tell Quinn about the three kisses I shared with Rachel. One, I began the first (sort of). Two, I wanted the second as much as her. Three, I felt something entirely new pass through me at the third. It was... I don't know... something more. Sort of intoxicating. Almost sickening. Way more than what I can deal with now. And if it was the last, then I don't want another one. Ah, yeah, four, I don't want Quinn hating me for it. So, honesty is good. Up to a certain point. I don't want to hurt her. I owe it to her to make her happy. So I only confessed to the catsuit. The rest is for me to hold. Happinesses depend on it. And happy, happy is good.

Can we be in love again? Were we ever, Quinn? Love, yes, but in love... I don't know. Love isn't being in love. I've learned that... the last time I kissed Rachel. I felt more than I had ever had with Quinn. My heart was beating faster... I don't know how to explain. I though I had been in love. And I know now it wasn't true. I could not have been in love with Quinn. I would just not have been gone so easily. I would not have felt better with Rachel. No way. So, love, maybe. I can try harder. I wanna feel it again, feel that something from when we first started dating. And it's not gonna happen if I stay around my lead so much. It kind of threw cold water at me when I saw her in those bad, weird clothes. Like some kind of wake up call. Quinn is having my kid, and I owe her everything. So I said I loved her. More like blurted out. Seeing her like that, hearing it returned, I was sure some of the feelings I had for her had returned, and had been there again since she had begun living with us. She's my girlfriend and I love her. A bit more every time I say it. So I'm gonna continue saying it. I love you, Quinn. Love, not in love. I don't think I ever could be in love with you. And when you say it too, it doesn't feel right. Or true. I'm sorry, Quinn.

But for now, I'm gonna do my best to be a good boyfriend. And that will be first by staying close to her. And wrapping my arms around her. And driving her home. And say that I love her. And try to. And feeling glad that she's not craving on any weird food, any weird thing, anymore.

* * *

_(Rachel)_

Morale was low again. And I was a bit down with it. Ms Sylvester aside, no one was really bothering us with Sectionals, and they were coming, and fast. Mr Shue had told me of Ms Sylvester's attempts at sabotaging our club. And that he as worried the dices would be piped against us. So, the newt day when he said the Jane Adam's Glee club was coming to our school to rehearse and show us what they were capable of, I was ecstatic. That was definitely something that could up the group willingness to work and morale, especially if they were good.

And they were. In a way. At first, I was very impressed, and I applauded. Okay, deserving the applause or not, they would have gotten some from me. Everyone needs recognition for their work. And they definitely had accomplished some. Even if it was, as I then said to a worried Mr Shue, all 'air and mirrors'. The thrill of seeing someone else perform gone, I quickly rewound the performance in my head, analyzing it carefully and understanding why we had been entranced by it. The hair. The big, big hair swirling around in all directions, keeping from a distracted audience the mediocrity of their dancing and the approximation of said moves. Their lead can sing, but they have someone like Mercedes. No offense to her, but a lot of songs are off limits, because of the diva in her voice. In a song with difficult placing of the voice, they would come flat. And the rest only serves a glorified chorus, not really singing, just backing up what can be backed up. They missed good songs, a real lead, and some other strong voices to really shine. I wasn't worried in the least, and made it very clear. I just hoped not everyone thought like me. We really needed some mojo back.

We're doing _Hair_ for Sectionals! I love it! I'm worried, though. Hairography isn't our thing at all, and I don't think it's gonna look good. But _Hair_! I'm still exited! I don't understand Mr Shue being worried. We have emotion, and a good group filled with talent. I didn't understand why we needed something more than that. But Mr Shue was worried, even more so than the day before, and he had artistic control. I had no choice but to back out. At least, I had enough hair not to be wearing those stupid wigs!

Kurt went to me in the hallways. That is not a first, but usually, it's not to offer his services to me. He wants to do a makeover. At first, I wasn't sure about it. Not at all. I like the way I dress. But I'm the only one. Sometimes I wish that wasn't true. That others wouldn't find my clothes childish and old at the same time. I want to get recognized, and not by being the one getting the daily slushy. I wish I was hotter, the way the boys like it. Dressing better could help me and my social status. That would be a good improvement. And that would definitely bring me the recognition I crave for most of the time. So, I accepted. He didn't really give me much choice, that is also true. But I'm in. I want to know what it's like to be respected for my looks, too. Then, I will be able to gain respect for my talents, too. After all, everyone has to start somewhere.

I really didn't get it. Kurt is horrible to me. And apparently, I'm not that better to him. Or to anyone else. He's brutally honest about everything that is wrong with my personality. He's my worst opposition when it comes to every day clothes. And one of the fans when it comes to singing. I mean, am I that horrible? I know I'm somewhat selfish, and conceited, and high maintenance, and my ego can be too much to bear, but I'm a star. Or I will be. This is how stars are. For real. They don't become stars by being the kindest person in the world. They become stars by being ruthless, and aggressive, and abrasive, and goal-centered. Am I so bad that I already am all of this things before being a star? If Kurt is right, then it is no wonder I barely have friends. Maybe he is right. I do need something to distract people from my horrible (his words) personality. Well, he had a go at it. And the result was... impressive.

But he was not the only one gaining benefits by making me look sexy. I admitted to him my feelings for Finn. Honest, too. In-love-with-Finn kind of honest. He understood. Because he's gay? Because he's in love, too? Anyway, that is not the point. The point is I had never acknowledged my feelings to anyone else before. And saying it felt like it was really there. It made it true. Out there. I accepted them in my heart too. They were not going anywhere. It was wonderful. And chest-tightening at the same time. As much as I was in love, I knew it was just me.

But Kurt gave me hope. Now I feel like Finn has just a burden, that he stays with Quinn just because she's pregnant. If he likes loose women... like Sandy in Grease. Yeah, Kurt, like Sandy in Grease. I get now why he never went for me, really. I'm too much like Quinn. Well, this is gonna change. I'm not going to alter the way I live and think, just the way I dress and act. I can't be another 'other women', but I can live with him liking at least the way I dress. Kurt really knew how to convince me. He knew the words to make me flinch. And smile. I can't let go of an opportunity like that. So, I let him dress me like he wanted. Sexier. Not like a 'ho. This was a line I could not cross. Win, win.

So... the next day. I had heels. That I usually never ear. I'm proud of my height. I had a black dress. Dresses, I keep for summer. Black, well, not that much either. I had a bra with no straps. I had to buy that. And I don't regret it. My dress was held in place by a lone strap going on behind my neck, partially hidden by my hair. The neckline was lower than anything I had ever wear. My hair were loose and slightly curled, but only because I didn't want anything else and Kurt didn't find anything more to do. I had eye shadow, and a bit of lipstick. Walking into the school high and proud. Feeling sexier than I used to. I had already got glances outside...

And even more inside. From Finn. He just said my name, and I'm not even sure he actually wanted to talk to me in the first place. He got... distracted. For real. Babbling and everything. Eyes wide, looking straight at my face. Not wanting to look somewhere else... His reaction had me being bolder than usual. And I asked him point blank if he wanted to come over. I really wanted to help him on a number, like we used to do sometimes. But it also served as a great pretext. To pass on phase two. I joined Kurt a few yard later, feeling very sure, very secure. And exited. It was working. That day, I didn't get slushied. I was ready to stay that way... as long as it took.

The boys with wigs look ridiculous. Artie is the better one, because his wig is just dread locks. Kurt's blond, Matt and Puck have frizzled hair, Mike looks dumb under the straight wig and Finn is the worst with curled hair. What has gotten into Mr Shue's head? He's in trouble with his behind-the-scenes co director and the others don't seem to realize that it is not a good plan. We're never gonna win Sectionals with a hairography number. This is not us. At all. We're better than that. And Ms Sylvester has a point. We don't need hair to distract anyone from the fact that we're good. Like she does with her Cheerios. We are good, period. And I'm not going to help anyone with the number. I love the song. But wigs are just too much. Artificial. And the judges will see it. This will not be good. I can bet on that.

Friday night, Finn arrived at 8. I had told my dads to welcome him, and lead him to my room, because I didn't want to greet him the way I would already be dressed. I wanted to be alone with him when he saw me again for the first time. I had already spent two hours on my hair, and at eight, I was finishing on make up. I had Kurt do my nails right after school. By eight, I was almost ready. And so exited... so exited. The suit was uncomfortable, but it was for a good cause. Myself. I had preferred the dress, because it had looked more like something I could have worn before. But I had to do this. For me. For Finn. I could hear it in his voice that he was a bit nervous. A good kind of nervous. He had never been in my room before, after all. A bedroom is very... it is a special place. Where you spend a good part of your life preparing yourself for the outside world. I thought hi nervousness was so cute. It only made me more eager to do this.

I got him to accept singing _You're the one that I want_ again. I mean, I discovered him with that song. Maybe this was time he discovered another me with it. So, I exited my bathroom, put the song on. He went into shock. Again. But this time, it was different. I didn't get how different until he stopped it all. Until it all sank. I could see it, in his eyes, in his way of being, and most of all in his speech, that he was not happy right now. He hated what I had become. What I was wearing. How I was dressing, acting. My heart sank. My spirits. My hope. Everything. I had to hold back tears. Tears that were burning my eyes. I could not look at him. Had to divert my eyes. To anything else. The floor made a great else. I didn't understand at first. We both knew that wasn't my usual look, very far from it, but his previous reaction had led me to believe that I had been right in changing. He liked the doll-side of my dress. Not really what I was aiming at. Not at all.

I sank even more when he told me he liked my usual ways. My dresses, leg warmers... And that this was far, far from his type of girl. But then I understood everything. His innocent remark about Kurt asking him the same thing... shifted part of the down low into anger and rage. Against Kurt. This had been premeditated. By Kurt. With or without Quinn isn't the point. Kurt had sabotaged my friendship with Finn with false promises he already knew would make me flinch his side. Finn was my victim, and I was Kurt's. Finn tried to make it better by me. It could have worked. I needed reassurance from him that he was still my friend after this stunt I had pulled on him. Instead, he told me he shouldn't be here. And he left. In a hurry. Probably to run back to Quinn. That destroyed all my beliefs that he could ever like me. Even if he had said it a minute ago. All I had left was mourn, and cry for the friend I had lost, and the future that suddenly, felt more somber than ever.

The somewhat sleepless night had only made me angrier at Kurt. I jumped at the first occasion to let him know what I felt about his betrayal. He denied at first. He's no friend, like I thought. Trying to eliminate the competition for Finn's heart. Telling me I was living in a fairy tale. Yeah, maybe, but Finn is straight. So, second choice or not, I still am one. Kurt is not. I still have a chance, maybe, some day. I refuse to think that our kisses meant nothing. And that in the future, he's always going to stick by Quinn. I need this. Something to hold on to. And nothing Kurt tells me will change that. Competition or not, we still have one thing in common. Like all performers. Especially the good ones, like we are. We need goals. No matter what they are. We need attainable and unattainable. To push us further. To make us better. Something to go on in life, disappointment after disappointment. So, maybe Kurt was wrong in a very specific way. Not friends, maybe. But we still have things in common. And that makes us part... of something special.

But that was just then. It had just helped me a little. I wasn't in the number we performed before the other glee club. Glad that Artie and Mercedes had the leads. And I was right. We sucked. Big, big time. Even Mr Shue thought so. This was the end of hairography. Rest In Peace. Simpler is better.

I was impressed by the deaf kids, but in a singing competition, they will never beat anyone. I will be glad to be against them, though, because they already have to overcome so much that they have even more merit being there then we do. It was very special singing with them. It was all of us being as one. I'll never forget.

My heart is breaking. Again. Finn will never love me. Those three kisses we shared are all can account for his being partial to me. In something that will never will be revived again. More than friendship. I wish it would. I wish it could. Reappear and sweep me off my feet. In gambling, in accepting to be changed by Kurt, I lost the last bit of hope I ever held into my heart. Now I know I lost him for good. I'll just have to deal with those feelings from afar. Never counting on being returned. Unrequited love is so painful, so sad, so overwhelming. And I can't be jealous. Quinn is pregnant. I wish I knew how how _not_ to be in love...  
As I wave to Kurt in the hallways, I also wave at Finn's far figure, his hand wrapped around his girlfriend. _Goodbye my love. You always had me._

* * *

**That as a bit depressing, I know. It's not gonna last. Next episode is kind of epic... in a way.  
I wish I could taste a real thanksgiving meal once. This is another tradition I see almost every year on US TV shows that we just **_**don't**_** have here...  
Last year's Thanksgiving as the day after broadcasting, but I needed it to be there. Like I will be addressing True colors in the next chapter.  
Thank you a thousand times for the reviews. Don't forget to leave one here ^^**_**  
Eomyn**_


	13. Mattress

**Where was I? Yeah. **_**Mattress**_**. One of my favorite episode in the series. I love it.  
Let the mayhem begin! No, I don't get ahead of myself. It is some sort of starting point. Okay, specifically **_**True Colors**_**. All this looking around is making me dizzy... and **_**Smile**_**, and **_**Jump**_**, and the photo shoot.  
I started to work on it the minute I finished **_**Hairography**_**. I'm kind of a happy person, all the sadness wasn't settling well with me. Still took me forever to write. Crazy week, again. Getting tired (literally) of those. I never thought I could get so much out of some 43 minutes of show. Or of 20+ minutes of Finn/Rachel fun. I also prepared a little something for the future. More on that soon.  
But for now...  
Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

(Finn)

Singing _True colors_, I looked at Quinn. Smiling. Then I looked at Rachel and I saw something in her eyes. Something I liked. It wasn't that unfamiliar, and it felt just good to have it back. Then Kurt looked at me. I looked elsewhere. He really has to stop that. When I came home that night, I knew why I had been feeling a bit low these last few days after I had decided to put Quinn first no matter what. I missed my best friend...

I could never resist her. I never could resist Rachel for long. I can't hold on without her in my life. I've tried. Hard. And I don't mean in the romantic way. I tried to stay away, just see her at school and stay friendly, but it's not enough. She's a force of nature. Bringing everything on with her. She's my force of nature. The club's. Everyone's. There is something in her I can't do without anymore. Not even for a week. I wanted to call her every day, hear her sing just for me... I wanted... my best friend back. I even wanted to feel back I did a few weeks ago (that isn't that hard, all things considered) when she was like my bowl of fresh air...

I feel smothered. Quinn is impossible. All the feelings that returned don't feel good. I tried that too. I tried to feel more for her than I already did. Even taking some of the things I felt once or twice for Rachel and turn them over to her... not working. I love Quinn, but it's more like I'd love my mom. And it's really disturbing, dad. I'm not supposed to feel this kind of love when she's pregnant by me. I can't help it. I just have to suck it up, like I always do. Like it's always expected of me. And support my family. She's family, after all. Quinn is family. I love her in this way. And she doesn't really make me horny anymore. I kiss her, but it's more on her forehead or on her cheek. I haven't kissed Quinn on the lips in a long time. I eel it's something kind of intimate... and definitely not the way you'd kiss a sister. It's still messed up. But I'm glad I tried to rekindle some old flame I had for her. I know it's not working. And really confusing.

There. Another torture comes along once a year, every year. The yearbook photo. I really hate that. I don't like photos. Looking at them is okay, but being taken is... not, so not okay. Especially not for a yearbook no one will watch, like, ever. Or, if they watch, it will be only to make fun of us. But this is another thing I have to do. I have to do one with the football team, then one with the basketball team, and two extra since I'm captain of both. Plus one where they wrote a quote and said which clubs the students were in. So, yeah, not really looking forward to the one for Glee. But at least I'm not captain there. And, ad Kurt said, I like to be a bit anonymous. It's not that I can't take the slushies, but I don't really want more coming my way. And this is definitely something that could happen. But I'm lucky. A slushy is all the humiliation I've ever been exposed to...

This was another tradition. Once in September to celebrate the new school year, and once in January to celebrate the new year period. And last January, we picked Artie... because of his wheels. Duh. I was there, in the back, doing less and less things. My role as team captain was to choose the victim, be there, and watch. I had said yes to Artie under Puck's strong pressure. He was always the first to do it. Always the first to go for all and any geek humiliation he could ever think of. And gosh, he had ideas. So many of them. I stooped the worst, but fir the rest, I had my reputation ans status to protect. So I didn't say anything. No 'yes', no 'no'. Until he picked Artie. I felt so bad for the guy. And I was so tired of all of this. For the rest of the year, I sucked it up. I had to; I stopped coming every time, still being there enough so they wouldn't get on my back for, well, not being there. I stopped giving slushies. They were doing that enough on their own. I was just an unwilling watcher. Not very proud of my team. But with someone else at the top, things would have been worse. This is definitely a part of my life I'm not proud of. I'm really sorry, Artie. But then came Quinn. Extra excuses not to be there was one of the perks in dating her.

Summer came. Then sophomore year. I know they picked on a freshman kid with glasses so big you could build a submarine around it. But that's about it. I wasn't there. I had a leave of absence, sort of. Quinn was being crowned head Cheerio for the second time in a row, and she had asked me to be there. So, I went, only too happy not to see another humiliation. I was bored yes, but also watching the entire squad in their short uniform. I like those uniforms, they were showing off all the right curves and I could imagine all that was still off-limits with Quinn after almost four months together. Since we never got to second base, that was kind of a lot. I was seeing boobs and skirts everywhere…a good, a very good daydream. That was a bit real. See, great! The perfect way not to be thinking about what my team was doing. I was brought back to earth by the talk about the yearbook photo that was happening right in front of me. Oh, another thing I'd stop if I could…

I was so relieved when I finally realized that my five photos I had to go though would never cause any further drop in my popularity. It was embarrassing, because the sports teams were never that great to begin with, even if the basketball team was actually winning a few times a year. In social status, it didn't really matter. The minute you made it on a team, you were popular.

So, I would stay popular. Glee kids would stay relatively unknown and out of more trouble. We would not be drawn upon by the jocks. Hell, I perfectly knew what happened to the glee picture. I had black colored every face myself last year. They were only five, plus the creepy teacher. Last year, I had had fun doing it. This year, no photo meant no more insults from my team about being in glee. I was used to it by now, but I could use a break. And looking forward the end of the season with great interest. I didn't know what the basketball team would say, but it didn't really matter. Our biggest bullies were not in. it could only go better.

We were all off the hook. Or so I thought. I should have guessed something wasn't right when her face fell the moment we told her with big smiles on our faces that the photo was cut. She stormed out so fast we were all shocked by her reaction. And we had seen her storm out a lot before. But this was even more. We should have seen something coming. Something like her… like bringing that damn photo back. After that, no one was smiling anymore.

Everyone relaxed when we learned that only two of us would be subjected to the photo. And that we would vote for the two. Rachel was still facing us all, and one look was enough to tell us that she would be the one. Since she was a girl, the co-captain would be a gut. It was only fair. Well, four of us had reps to hold on to. Me more than the other jocks. Artie had already been patriotic wedgied, and this would not be helping his rep at all. He was protected now from all except the slushies because we were four jocks and us getting slushied too was easing his tab. I knew we would not have him get through that again, as we would not have Kurt thrown into the garbage again. I would stand out for them if they were chosen. The last thing I wanted was to take that photo shoot, but the jocks could take a bit more. I don't think they could. But since that we're all going to be only voting for Rachel anyway, we would be okay for a while.

The election came and went. Rachel won. But she still needed a co-captain. And this election, no one wanted to see.

Should I be worried? Rachel seems to be on a war path for a co-captain. No luck with making sure the vote doesn't happen. We're not voting! She's asking everyone. Should I be worried? Should I take it bad? I seem to be the last one on her list...

Wonder if I could ever refuse anything to her... I know she asked me last. She told me she was desperate. That did hurt my pride. Gee, thanks, Rachel. I really was your last choice. And I tried everything to have her turn away and go the other way. I do like glee, but I was desperate to have her to stop. Because she always knew hos to make me say yes. So I thought that if I told her I had no time and other things in my life she would think I wasn't good enough for the job. Which worked with me. I am tired of being a captain, always making sacrifices for the good of others. I hate to have my picture taken. But it was all for nothing. She only said a few words, and I said okay. It only took her a few words to have me say yes. I said yes to yet another picture, and another team. Am I that stupid? Do I like glee club that much? Am I too used to be a leader I can't say no? Or does she just have that much power over me? She always knows how to make me feel important, and appreciated just for who I am. I was impressed with her thinking I was a leader, and that I had made the club work too. Well, I guess she has. Because that's all it took. Damn.

**Not done! But I'm sure you know what it means by then.**

**

* * *

**

(_Rachel_)

A week and a song. That's all it took. For me to hope again. The week had been hard though, with Finn barely talking to me outside of class and always holding Quinn in the hallways... but a song changed everything. We didn't sing together or anything, actually Tina had the lead on that one. And she rocked it. Dance didn't do it either, since we were all seated on bar stools. It was simple, and a very good chance. But that one performance, the one and only time so far we sang _True_ _Colors_ in costume (which are simple t-shirts in different colors) in the auditorium, everything changed. All of us were sitting on our stools, in a slight bow. Artie, Mike, me, Quinn, Kurt, Tina, Matt, Brittany, Santana, Puck, Finn, and Mercedes. We could all see each other, look at each other while singing. And... we all did.

That's when hope returned. Along with other things. Things I hadn't really noticed before but were here anyway. Like the looks Artie and Tina share. We all know it's a matter of time now. The way Puck looks at Quinn. How she looks back at him. How tender those eyes. How knowing these glances. Like something is going on, behind the scenes. Something that shouldn't be shared. Like the way Finn looked at me. I didn't hide anything. And when I caught his glance, there was something more in it. Something more, something that could make me believe that he feels more than he's supposed to. I never want those looks to stop. Because when he looks at me this way, I almost believe he loves me too.

The yearbook photo is here again! I'm so exited! So exited! I don't even think about Sectionals anymore. All I could think about during my Finn-less week was the yearbook photo shoot, and how to improve the club. Songs we could perform at Regionals and Nationals. I already have 52 propositions, and ideas arrive in my head every single day. I can't stop it. If our team had a captain, I'd sure make a great one.

I was actually so much involved with Glee and my other clubs I had to miss out on glee for the first time. I was so busy touring all the clubs, picking the photo schedule and carefully planning my changes of clothes for the day, depending on the theme of the club. I am a proud member of twelve clubs, after all. I spend one hour weekly with everyone of them, and with glee my remaining free time. This makes for a really busy schedule sort of all the time. But I chose it. And I have no regrets whatsoever. What I don't like is that junior Eleanor Stanley (no relations to Dakota) also being part of twelve clubs; there can only be one winner, no matter the competition; and since the only club missing from our school is one that officially recognizes the gay and lesbians students around us, after talking about it with my dads, I decided that I would be talking to Kurt about starting one. One that would never allow any gay or lesbians student to ever feel alone and rejected here again. Someone would be there to help them. Me. And Kurt.

But then, passing in the hallways, I saw the glee kids outside of the choir room with big smiles on their faces. I immediately asked them what could be the reason for such a display of joy. I was hoping that one of our opponents in Sectionals or Regionals had backed out from competition, or something equally thrilling. What they told me instead left me in such a rage I immediately went to the Principal's office to report this injustice. Glee club's photo was cut from the yearbook. I would not have it stay this way. Glee is too important to me, and to all my fellow glee-clubbers. And to Mr. Shue. We need our photo. Because our status are going to rise from the bottom where they actually lay. And we'll always regret it if we don't have a picture reminding us that the beginning was hard and that times had existed when being in glee was difficult. We need something to remember us that things were worst in the past and that they actually getting better by the day. And that when the day comes and we are stars, we need to stay humble, stay united like we were in the past.

Plus I absolutely love having my picture taken. But it's only just a bonus. And if there is one picture I will not let pass by me, it is the one from Glee club. This is a real memory, with an actual big amount of time spend with all my friends. It's not just practice for me. Glee, including Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury, is my second family. All eleven others clubs are mostly an opportunity for me to pose and prepare myself to have my picture taken at all times for when I will be an actual star. I can't deprive a family like that from a photo. It will not be happening. Never. Ever.

So, I stormed in Mr. Figgin's office, cutting of whatever him and Mr. Shue were conversing about, threatening a legal action against the school with the help of my dads and the ACLU if the Glee photo isn't restored to the yearbook. Apparently, Mr. Shue had also thought that we deserved one, and beat me to the point, because it already had been restored. I wanted to leap for joy, but my surrounding reminded me that I was in the presence of my favorite teacher and my Principal, so I just thanked them and exited the room as fast as I had stormed in. I could not help but wanting to tell everyone at Glee, but I had to keep it until tomorrow. So, I went home and told my dads instead. They were very proud.

The next day, I could not hide my enthusiasm. I was smiling all day, happy that we would get a photo this year. I could not wait for Mr. Shue to tell everyone else. I wanted them to be as happy as I was. I was feeling so good Kurt's blunt ignorance at my proposal for a gay and lesbian club didn't even make me sad, of provoke in me bad feelings of any sort. I didn't need a thirteenth club. I had Glee. And it could count as a million clubs already. That was really the best thing that had happened to me.

Mr. Shue announced that the photo had been reinstated. I was really happy. But save for me, everyone in the room was frowning. It was not for show, then? The happy faces they had displayed when the photo wasn't anymore was real joy? I was convinced they had put the smiles on to help each other cope with the bad news. Preventing depression from really creeping in. Seems I was wrong on that one. Out of 13, only two were sad. Mr. Shue and me. Too bad, guys. We will have a photo shoot, whether you like it or not. You can't be ashamed of who you are, and for one I am going to prove to you that shame doesn't exist in glee.

I was less pleased when Mr. Shue announced that only two of us would be on the photo, because we only had a quarter page of yearbook. We didn't have a full page. But we had something, and we had to make the best of it. Due to this fact, a hierarchy had to be instituted to find two representatives of the group, two co-captains. Since we live in a democracy, a vote would be held to designate those two representatives. This news put a real smile back on my face. I had a new goal: being voted co-captain of the glee club. And I had a speech to prepare for the next day. The second co-captain, well… popularity rather than skills could work for my second chair. Or first chair, if she/he had more votes than me. I would respect the opinions of the group. Whether I could give him/her orders would depend on that. If I'm the first voted in, I rule. And with all the ideas I have, we actually have a very serious shot at Regionals. We would have anything and everything. Nationals too were a goal, but for now, we desperately needed recognition from the section and the region, and then, maybe, from the entire country. Modesty is important at the beginning. We have plenty of time to see it coming. But, back to my speech. I have to write and rehearse it for tomorrow. Time here is of the essence.

I won! I won! And I didn't even have to use the speech I had prepared. They were that confident in my abilities to represent them… I can't believe it. I was elected captain unanimously. I was the only one elected, too. They only wanted one captain. They only wanted me at the helm. Everyone voted for me. I'm so happy! I'll be in the photo shoot. But I have responsibilities now. I am part of the image of glee. And part responsible for its success in upcoming competitions. Like Sectionals. And Regionals. And…

But I need a co-captain. I think Mr. Shue is totally right with that statement. I have too many ideas, I need help putting them into motion. I can't take the entire responsibilities and all the new pressure all by myself. And I really think that the others members should be more invested in what happens behind the scenes. Like song picking, and not just once in a while. Or costumes, sets… everything. The only thing is, we can't put it into a vote. I already know no one will do it. So, I have to resort to a less democratic approach, with the blessing of Mr. Shue. I have to pick one myself, and employ my fabulous powers of persuasion into make someone else accept the task. I have eleven candidates…

Santana – the temporary head Cheerio also co-captain of Glee? Just because I'm asking everyone doesn't mean I'm going to fight them every time they say no. hers is a refusal I'm not going to go against. She's the one girl who has the most to lose. There is no way she'll say yes. And it's a good thing.

Brittany – she would be nice on a picture. And she would not give me any trouble with my propositions. But she couldn't be much help either. Santana would never let her accept. She is a Cheerio lieutenant, after all. And the most dedicated to their coach. But it's just because she doesn't know any better. She would be… barely convenient.

Mercedes – we'd rock! Two divas as co-captains? Unstoppable. But she has other artistic activities outside of glee and I need someone who can devote all artistic energy, no matter how little or how big, to this club. Besides, she'll have to cut out soon, it'll begin only a few days after the photo shoot.

Tina – a co-captain is a representative of a team. Which means that the position is also about making speeches in front of people. Let it be twelve, or the entire school. Do I even have to continue?

Quinn – she hates me, for one. I'm sure of that. And I don't think she could take whatever little orders I could give for the good of the club. I don't think she could take orders from someone other than Ms. Sylvester and Mr. Shue. Plus it could mean her getting more humiliated than she already was this year. I don't think she would handle it very well.

Artie – he could be a great co-captain. His handicap could play in our favor. And I know only thinking this way is a very bad idea. But he also has a decent voice. And curiously, people listen to him when he speaks. He's someone I'd definitely fight if he ever refuses.

Noah – Noah as a co-captain? I can already see his face when I'll ask him, and hear his answer. No way in hell! He didn't even completely stopped being a bully upon joining glee. and I can't have a bully represent people who are bullied in some way every single day. It would just not do.

Mike and Matt – I don't really know them. They hardly ever speak. Mike seems to be a bit into Tina and Matt is dating Santana. They didn't lose much popularity when they joined because even if they are in the football team, they aren't capital players. Just like in Glee, they are the silent ones helping the group hold it together. The silent forces behind the leads. Shyness is a bad thing when you have to lead an entire formation. And as for popularity, I have a hunch they'd want to keep it that way.

Kurt – we would be great. We're both amazing singers with a bit of a diva complex and a strong personality. The club would feel like we're on Broadway or something. But if the past in any indicator, that should also mean we'd fight like all the time. And from the outside, I don't really think every parent would let their kid watch a performance partially lead by a either a gay student or a student with gay parents. The world hasn't evolved enough yet to simply accept that we're like everybody else. But different.

Finn – my lead, and a captain of two teams already, so a natural. We would make a great team. But he has also proven in the past that his reliability leaves somewhat to be desired, as well as his loyalty. Two qualities I find indispensable in a leader. He would have been my first choice, but unfortunately his past actions let me a bit wary of what he could do next… not so good.

So. I only have a few days. The hunt is officially open!

It didn't matter what they thought. I was flattered they had chosen me and given me the power to be on my own, but then I remembered that they also didn't want to be anywhere near that photo. The encouraging speeches were only them being selfish. It only strengthen my resolve to find myself a co-captain by the deadline. Mr. Shue had told me they were still ashamed, and for some of them, I could believe it. But not accept it. So, for one of them, shame or no shame, the yearbook photo would be mandatory. If it used all my powers of persuasion, then it would. But by deadline, I would have a co-captain.

Okay, so that went well. As expected, the Cheerios sent me away, most of the jocks did too. Tina couldn't form a whole sentence, Kurt told me in no small words that he would not work with me on this, Mercedes hid behind her other activities and Artie took advantage in saying that I looked bad leaning over to be at his height. So, I asked Finn...

I never thought he would actually say yes so fast. I'm sure it helped that I believed in what I was saying, but I can't help it. He is the one behind all the Cheerios and the jocks joining. He's already a leader and even if he's not that reliable, he knows what it's like to put the team before himself. So yeah, I was desperate to have him accept the proposition, but I didn't think it would only take a few minutes. I could have gone on for five times that long with all I had in mind... so, mission accomplished. I have gotten myself a co-captain. And a good one at that. The bonus for my spending more time with him is just that. A bonus. But now, I have to make him presentable for the photo shoot. No offense to the sports teams, but they never had to fight to make themselves popular.

So, I prepared a little thing for him. I had to turn him over to the photo-enthusiastic side. I needed to make sure the picture would be perfect, but that was just a bonus. Finn was with me. We would be there, side by side, posing for Glee. I don't know what made me go for the Lily Allen _Smile_ version. The title was dead on, but the lyrics would relate more to Quinn if she ever found out that Finn and I had kissed more than once. I loved the song, it was very entertaining and had a happy, lively rhythm. You had to always smile. So maybe this is it. The goal is to make him smile. The choreography was already in my head, and I was a bit unsure since I saw myself playfully messing with him. I was almost sure he would go along with it, and that was all I needed to hold my ground and decide to go with it. Tomorrow, I would be ready to sing it to Finn.

* * *

**I struggled a long time with the Smile number. I absolutely love it, and all I could write on it was bad. So, I decided to go on alternative points of view. And what do you know? It actually turned out okay. This time, let Finn begin...**

The next day, I was walking by the choir room when she exited the room, grabbing my arm, and pulling me inside. I was a little dazzled by her spontaneous action, curious to see what she wanted to do with me, happy that she needed me. Her speech brought me back to earth. Her few words about image were a little lost on me but I got the idea anyway. I had to look optimistic. I was wondering. Wasn't I of an optimistic temper enough as it is? Didn't I smile most of the time? I was often happy for the little things rather than the big picture, but it was still enough, wasn't it? That didn't matter much, she was so into what she was doing that I let her have her way with me.

_Letting go of his arm right after entering the room, I could feel him looking around, in somewhat of a daydream. I grabbed his hand, feeling its warmth go through me. He was back to here and now, so maybe my speech had done the trick. He wasn't fighting anything. Just waiting for what would come next. And probably a little worried as to what it would be. His smile was gone. He needed to be optimistic, and positive. That only reinforced the idea that I had been right in trying to cheer him up. Deep down I knew he had taken another for the team. And he needed to know that it would not be horrible. I could not bring the club up if my co-captain was down._

She led me to the back of the room, sitting me on the stair-benches, or whatever it's called. I greeted and smiled to the musicians. I still had no idea of what I was doing here, or why. It had been some time since I had been in glee outside of its hours. When she told me, I was definitely confused. Why did she need to practice teaching me how to smile? I know how to smile. I might not be at my best tight now, but I know how to smile. Not like her, but still. I still went with it. She gave the signal for the musicians to start playing, and I recognized the song right away. I love that song. She gave me the music sheet, and she began to sing.

_Do I really have to teach Finn, Finn, how to smile? Yeah, I do. It's a photo shoot, and you need to smile a certain way to be photogenic. His gorgeous half smile would not do fit the occasion. Plus it gives me the occasion of doing exactly what I want, since I'm the teacher. I think I'm gonna like this co-captain with Finn thing…_

I gotta admit, I love to have Rachel sing, and this time, she sings just for me… I could not help but smile.

_I began going round and twirling and going through the motions of the simple choreography I had prepared yesterday after school. He was following me, and he probably knew the song, because I didn't have to teach him his cues, not matter how small the back-up lyrics are. I could feel his eyes following me, when he didn't have to sing, and I knew he was smiling._

I didn't see her approach me at all. I was into the song, and feeling better than I had the last few days. So, when I felt her leaning her back into mine and pulling me in with the song, I tried not to jump. And not to go back to the last time we had been seated like that… hopefully, she didn't stay in this position long enough. Instead, she jumped up, and sat right down. In my lap.

_I was sort of on fire. Not paying attention to any rule I was supposed to follow, like not being seated in my co-captain's lap. I could not help myself. He was so cute, focused on the song, trying to stay up to date with my singing. I always loved to sing for him alone. No matter where I was, it was always special to me. I distracted myself by messing with his hair, extending his smile by putting my fingers on his face. I felt another rush go through my skin. I definitely didn't want the contact to end._

I was focused on my sheet, trying not to see her smiling face only a few inches of mine. It felt just great to have her sitting like that, barely touching me. It felt just right. She was my lead, I was back-up. She sang, and my voice was the quiet force helping hers shine more. We always had sung so well together… I never wanted that song to end. Then, she took me hand again, not letting go this time.

_I pulled him up, his hand still in mine, until he was right behind me. I could feel him move, I could feel his warmth all over me. I held him close, and we swayed together with the music._

She had me completely trapped. In a good way. Her hand was warm in mine, and the other one was holding my arm against her body. I had no choice than to swing with her, but it was okay. More than okay, even. She had taken me again, once again by a song. She was still messing with me, suddenly grabbing my sheet music, holding it out of my reach. This was a good thing I was so much taller than her. I played along, and she gave it back to me.

_I love to have him reach out for things. Like his music sheet. He had to use his other arm, as I was still holding once close to me. Until I let go, only to go behind him, still singing. He had to hold it back the right way again, and he didn't seemed to mind my hands that were on his shoulders by now. I was leaning my head over each side of his, waiting for him to continue to sing._

By the time she had gotten behind me, I didn't want to be angry at anything anymore. I guess her plan to have me smile was working. And it was okay by me. She led me to stand next to the piano, turning on herself to place her facing me, like she wanted to dance. And she wanted to dance. She was lucky we didn't move much, because I didn't want to interrupt the moment by steeping on her feet.

_By the time we were sort of dancing, he was just following my lead. No questions, no objections, no nothing. He just seemed to enjoy himself. I know he's not that good a dancer, so, I didn't make us move, just swing. One hand was on my waist, as I held the other high. Like in a waltz, minus the three time tempo._

I was startled by her slapping me softly, but it was a good way to get me to turn around. I was liking this so much I was just looking at the band and standing there. I saw her motioning me to come closer, so, I did. I was following my lead. I went back to sit right where I had only seconds before, and she sat right next to me. We were both smiling while singing. I had never done that before.

_I tickled him, and he responded. I'd never thought that Finn would respond to tickles. But again, I do too. I'm very sensible to them, and I can't help but laugh when someone does it to me. Exactly like he did. I had only done it a bit, but he went all over me, and I was laughing so much I was almost hurting. The best thing is, he was laughing with me too. We barely registered the band leaving. He continued to tackle me, always going for my waist. After a few minutes, my sides were hurting from my laughing too hard. He stopped, and we both took a few minutes to catch our breath. I was so happy. We were back at being best friends in the world, playing with each other like best friends do. I didn't want anything more. I could live like that, laughing and singing with my best friend, lead and co-captain._

We still had a big smile on our faces, but I knew I would have to get going, I had football practice coming up. My heart was still beating very fast, and I was feeling completely at ease with Rachel. I just wanted to mess with her a bit, like she had messed with me. And I knew exactly how to do it.

"So, you want me to smile?" I said, unable to hide the grin in my face and in my voice.  
"Yes, Finn, I want you to smile." She said in earnest, with a light tone in her voice and a bit of flush in her face, still there from all the laughing we had done.  
"I didn't smile before?" I was going for it, all the way.  
"Of course you did. But your crooked half smile will no do for our yearbook photo." I was having so much fun with her.  
"My crooked half smile, hey?" She was blushing a bit, and not from laughing.  
"You know what I mean." Yeah, I knew. And I didn't want to kill the mood, so I let it go.  
"Yeah, Rachel. I do. I'm just messing with you." She had it coming. No?  
"So, will you be there tomorrow?" Did she really had to ask me that? Yeah, I guess, since we were all against it at first.  
"Yes, Rachel. I will be there tomorrow for our photo." I really meant it. And I knew it could be fun too go with her.

She kissed my cheek, a full smile on her face, and went away, humming the song to herself. I watched her leave, decided to go, for her. And for all of us. I was a co-captain now, and for once, I was feeling very good about it. If that wasn't the best friendship in the world, I didn't know what was.

* * *

**Okay, so every time I had finished the episode alternating. But too much is happening after this part. I mean, we're only a mere 17 minutes into _Mattress_. So, I'm splitting it again. Finn, here we go!**

(_Finn_)

Yeah, I knew it was too good to be true. I don't know who told them I would be in the photo, probably Santana or Brittany, but they sure knew. And they were prepared. They jumped on me, markers in hand, pinned me against the lockers while I was taking off my jersey and drew on my face, holding my arms up. I struggled against them, fighting the humiliation of what they were doing and the same that came from having one of our team selling me off to them. I jerked Karofsky against the wall, sick and tired of him and Azimio being bullies. They didn't understand. Well, no shock there. They are even more in a school jam than I am. They need to pass every class even more than I do. They need the system to stay eligible to the sports team. Karofsky got kicked out at the end of last year, and he barely made it back. Now he needs to terrify geeks into doing homework for him. I barely pass, but at least it's all my own work.

They gave me a choice. More like an ultimatum. Hitler mustache, or buck teeth. No way I'm getting out of there with any of those on my face. 'Loser'(L-O-S-E-R, Karofsky) isn't gonna cut it either. I'm in a rage. Against them, against the one who sold me out, against myself because I can't risk them finding out I went to the photo shoot anyway. I don't want to miss it; I gave my word, or to me it seemed like I did. I'm being bullied my own team not to be on a picture. It's just a picture; I don't care what happens to it after, in the yearbook. The one in mine is clean. I never painted over Glee of last year in my yearbook either. Just the one at school. But I can't go. I can't make another drop in popularity. For everyone's sake. Okay, mine and Quinn's more. And I hate it. I should be strong enough to fight this, and not stay still like an idiot or a potato head. I am a potato head.

On the hour of the photo shoot, I went into hiding. Literally. I was excused from class since I was supposed to have my picture taken, and I didn't go. I went outside, and I spend the entire hour in the cold, making sure the few jocks could see me. I was already letting them bullying me into not going, and feeling horrible for letting down Rachel once again. I wasn't going to get screwed over because they had thought I went anyway. I was feeling so bad to see that they still had the power to make me do this. I was not fit to be a leader. Not from glee anyway. I wanted Rachel to fire me from that. I was not fit to be her friend either. I had promised myself I would never let her down again after the bowling alley disaster and there I was, outside and waiting for the hour to end. And I still had to go to glee after that. Even a promise like that, I can't hold. I have to make it up to her. I'll try to explain later at glee, and if it's not enough, I'll try something else. She has to forgive me. I'll find something. I want to stay co-captain with her, and I want to prove that I can do it. No matter what anybody says.

I was almost late when I joined glee that afternoon. I was so into myself I had barely registered the advancing hour. She had almost closed the door. Her eyes were angry, and her voice hurt and snappy. This time, I already knew what I had done. It was no mystery. I knew she was going to be hurt by my actions. What I didn't know until then was that the only thing on my mind was to make it up to her. To be worthy of being co-captain again. I had to try, and I had to succeed. Nothing else mattered. Not even the look Quinn was giving me. Or the chew-out that I knew would come from her later.

Hoping against all that it would be easy, I decided to play it a bit dumb. I still had a rep to protect, and this was the reason I had not gone. Karofsky and Azimio had been the only ones convincing me not to go. I had given her my word, and, hating it in the first place or not, singing with her had turned me into her side. No matter what, I had thought looking at her leaving the choir room back then. Well, not that much, as it had turned out. Exactly like playing dumb had worked. Not that much. I almost gave up once more. I was tired of letting her down, so, for just a second, I was telling myself that it would be best if we weren't friends anymore. Well, that idea had me hurting so much all of the sudden I chased it away as fast as I could. I had to make it up to her. No matter what it took. I sighed loudly and took my place next to Quinn, ignoring the daggers in her eyes.

I let my mind fly a bit, sure as I was to make it better with her. This would probably not be the last time I did this, if I was really honest. Well, every time, I would suck it up and find a way. I silently promised her that I would try my best not to have to suck it up to her. And I knew this time, I would keep it. I had promised… to her.

I was blown away by the news! As I lay at the bottom of my captain-ness, she held it sky-high. She had us cast in a commercial! I was so proud of her, I could not help but showing it to everyone around. I almost jumped for joy! No matter how mad she was at me, she was always there for all of us. Taking one for the team. I wanted them to see how great she had always been with us. Captain or not. She had made everything better for all of us. This could only up our status. And if one of us could receive less humiliation by it, it already was a big step in the right direction. It would have been worth it all.

We were all standing around, in the store where we would be filming the commercial , listening as the director gave us the rules and the script. The rules were easy. The script, a total bullshit. But it was a break, so we were all happy to do it. Six people needed to talk, and I had been chosen as one. I was supposed to be a factory worker. Well, that was a start. Well, no, but at least I had a few words to say. We were joking around a little while later, when the girls had left to change. Quinn had been a bitch on that one. She had wanted a room to herself, and, making some sort of scene, she had gotten it. So, we had decided let the girls change first in our room. Minutes passed, and the time we were supposed to start filming was near. Still, no guy had changed. We only missed Quinn, but I didn't care really about that because we didn't need her room to change, and I hated that she was no team player, and Rachel. Rachel needed to get a move on. So, I took matters into my own hands. For once.

I was walking towards the room where we had to change, looking for Rachel. She was taking her time, and we were on a schedule here. We needed to get ready too. And I had to remind her of that. I was getting close when I saw Quinn walking in my direction, in pajamas, apparently not happy that I was going there alone. She asked me why the other guys were not with me and I told her Rachel had asked us to wait for her to come out, but that we didn't have much time yet and that she wasn't out. The guys had picked me out to go see her because I was co-captain. She made a face, and I know she wanted to yell. I was saved by the gong, sort of. This time, the gong was Kurt's voice calling her so he could do her hair and make up. She just frowned more, and left. I continued my route.

I heard a voice. Rachel's voice. She was calling for help. Was she in trouble? What trouble could she make here? She really had to pick the places, and the time. I didn't want to leave her here. She needed someone. Rachel Berry never called for help unless she really needed it. So, I answered.

"Finn?" Her tone told me she was surprised to hear me.  
"Yeah, Rachel. It's me." You're in trouble?  
"I got stuck changing, and now I can't free my arms. I need your help, but you can't look." Come on, Rachel. It's me. I'm not like that. Much.  
"How do you want me to help you if I can't look?" No, I didn't want to take advantage. I really needed to see what I was doing.  
"Okay, I guess you have to look, but just for a second. I need help here. Fast." That was Rachel Berry. Never admitting she could fail at something.  
"Can I come in?" A gentleman always asks.  
"You think you can help me from outside?" That wasn't nice. "Sorry, Finn, I'm just stressed out. Come in."

I went inside, and had to bite my lips until it hurt. I could not believe she had gotten like this, her arms in the air, her elbows stuck. Her gold chain was in the way, and if she had had longer arms it would have been no trouble at all. But I guess she really is short. She looked adorable like that. Adorable and short. It was so funny. But I didn't laugh. I knew she would take it bad. And she was still mad at me. I didn't need to make it worse.

I tried my best not to look. I was focused on her problem. She needed help, not someone looking at her. I helped her out of her top, and then turned around immediately. I wanted to look. I did. But I didn't. Instead, I went towards the door, to wait outside for her to be done. I could call the guys the second she would be out. I know she was looking at me. When I reached the door, I heard her voice once again. It was very low.

"Finn?" I turned around instantly. She had her arms around her, trying to hide herself. She was a bit red. I didn't think anything of it. That was completely normal.  
"Thank you. But please, don't say anything to anyone." How could she think that? I was not one to see and tell.  
"I won't. And you're welcome." I got out of the room. I was feeling very proud that she had trusted me enough with something like that. I would not tell. She had been embarrassed enough as it is, and it could also get me in serious trouble. I would never tell anyone how beautiful she is.

A few minutes later, she exited the room in her pajama. I called the boys to change, and a quarter of an hour later, we were all ready to start. I had seen her looking at me. Don't worry Rachel, I said I won't tell. And I won't. I'd say scouts honor, but I was never a scout. I began my three words role. We were lame. Well, until Rachel came on. She was being really enthusiastic with this. But this was shit! Is she that good an actress? Oh, wait, she just said it was good to the director. You're kidding, right? I don't care. She got them to accept to have us sing instead of act. That could not be bad. And I knew immediately what we could sing.

She was okay with my choice. I asked the dancers in our group to prepare something with mattresses. All was going well, we all had a job, and the ones that didn't were okay with it. I could see Kurt, Mercedes chatting with Puck and Quinn. We were ready in time. I had me and Rachel as first leads, with Artie and Mercedes as second. The choreography our dancers had come up with was just plain fun, jumping around and everything like the song. I felt something in my guts when I helped her up the mattress. Like I was getting sick. My guts were turning around, but in a good way. I'm not sick. I know I'm not. It was just like being sick. Really weird. Good, but weird. I don't know if I want to feel it again. I don't want to get sick for real next time. It stopped the when the contact it didn't come back. It was a blast anyway! A blast! We were gonna be local celebrities. I don't think Rachel ever had a better idea. At this moment, I wish I didn't have to restrain myself from showing what I was feeling. I didn't know what it was, but it was more than appreciation.

Quinn told me the bad news. She told me Ms. Sylvester could have us disqualified from competition because of the mattresses that were piling in the choir room. I mean, I never thought we would receive anything for that commercial. And I knew we could not accept anything, but apparently someone had slept on one. And had put us in trouble. So, we got to thinking. Quinn at that time still wanted back in the Cheerios, and I wanted back into the competition. Her face lit up. She was going to get like she used to be, she told me. She was going to get back at Ms. Sylvester for it. She could not get us back in the competition, but she was going to get some of our pride back.

I didn't have to talk to her into 'stealing' a page from the Cheerios. I just had to ask. She was in from the start. She told me Ms. Sylvester always wanted more pages for her squad, and she was going to threaten her into giving us one. That had me the chills. Cheerio Quinn was no angel. She had told me before that she had received and accepted gifts. It was a secret. One of the few she had me promised never to tell. We both wanted revenge. And she could do something about it. i really thought it would have been harder than that. I could have fought her for this. But I didn't need to. She just wanted the credit for having the photo back, and I let her have it. As much as I hate having my picture taken, I feel I still owed it to my team (I'm co-captain!), to Glee, and to Rachel. And I don't want anyone to even think it came from me.

So, congrats, Quinn. You had us a full page, and we will be vandalized. But I don't care. As much as I hate drawings on my face, I really don't care if they do something on the school's yearbook. I will have mine, and on mine, we won't be losers. We'll be winners. No matter what. I will go to that photo. And be proud to be on it. Because I'm proud of what we become. And I always want to remember that.

We lost Mr. Shue. He was the one sleeping on the mattress. Well, we'll have to go along without him. But I think we can do it. I really do. I really believe in ourselves, no matter what. I think that _Jump_ made me believe. He made me believe. We can do it. We have to. But for now, we have a photo to take. And I think that this time, no one will be ashamed to take it. The commercial really did us the world of good. We came out with a number by ourselves, and we were all in it together. Isn't that what team work is all about? Like Quinn said when she told me she had quit the Cheerios. She wanted to be in Glee because we all accepted her. We accept everyone. We're a team. And because of that, we're the best one around.

* * *

_(Rachel)_

I was so confident when I entered the photo studio. I had prepared my clothes carefully with a blue dress, I had done my nails red and slightly curled my hair. I was so exited! The entire day had gone so well already. So well... until the photographer told me to hurry. That's when I realized I was alone for real. That Finn had bailed again, and that he had lied to me about being there. He could have told me he would not go, instead of leading me to believe he would go through this time. And yet, my fears about having him be Glee's co-captain were grounded. He had no loyalty for us. The sports teams still came first, and they always would, no matter how bully with us they could be. Sports mattered more in his life. And I was just a little distraction from it, one to be held far behind in his mind. Once again, I'd been a fool. And once again, I was alone. I had to do it all alone. Friendship meant nothing to him. Only duty to the popular kids. Well, I still had one to perform. I had to be the face of Glee. And I would be, no matter the consequences to me. I wanted to cry, but I could not do it with the photographer there. I had to hold it in until the end of school. Until the end of glee that was happening just after the shoot.

At least I got the photographer to shoot me like I had wanted to. From my left side, just like some actresses of the old Hollywood. Everyone got a better side. I could hardly smile. Finn's betrayal was heavy on my heart. I had to take a minute to recompose myself. And I wanted never to see the first few pictures that had been taken of me. I had when you're smiling going over and over in my head. It was just what I needed to forget yet another disappointment.

_When you're smilin', when you're smilin'  
The whole world smiles with you  
When you're laughin', when you're laughin'  
The sun comes shinin' through_

_But when you're cryin', you bring on the rain  
So stop that cryin', be happy again  
Keep on smilin', 'cause when you're smilin'  
The whole world smiles with you_

So I was going to keep smiling. Not caring about what people thought. And give them a piece of my mind after. That seemed like a plan. Unfortunately, the photo shoot was too short. He only took two pictures, then wanted to bail to do a casting session. That had me very, very interested. Because pained or not, I still was captain. And I had the future of the club in my hands. So...

I got us cast! I got us cast! The photographer needed two factory worker look alike, and two girls beside the announcer, which was already cast as me (I had landed that job after all). He hadn't taken much persuasion. He liked the idea of working with actors, - performers - that already knew each other. And we had the right age. And we were working for free. So, we got in! we got in! I got us a break, so they'll never be ashamed again. Never sitting idle by, never taking it lightly again. My first real act as a captain. And a morale booster at the same time. And its only been a few days! At the rate, we really will be stars before we graduate!

I got to be a hero. For once, they were all in. I was their hero and it was not just in my head. It was showing in everyone's faces. I had blown them away. Finn himself told me I was glee's hero. And I might have been mad at him for not going through what he had said, again, but it's not gonna be easy to stay that way with words like that. He was already the most enthusiast of the crowd when I proudly announced them the news, and now I'm a hero. I suspect him to do all he can not to have me mad at him anymore. Continue like this, Finn, you might just succeed. Plus, well, my being completely in love with the guy… king of helps his cause.

The commercial is terrible. Okay, was terrible. The script was cheesy, very poorly written. No wonder Puck and Finn couldn't do anything with it. No, for real. I already know Fin can be a good actor, for all the times he let me on, as for Puck... I'm not so sure. I don't know. He looked depressed alright. But that could have been the script's fault. Or the guy that wrote it, because the script is just a piece of paper written by a no-good photographer-director who's lucky his brother in law needs a commercial from him because he couldn't get work anywhere else. So. The commercial.

Well, due to her condition, Quinn had requested and obtained a room to change all by herself. The rest of us had to do it in the same room. The boys offered that we went first, and we gladly accepted. We were all girls and they didn't even change for real! I mean, I didn't want to look or anything, but there was no way this could have been embarrassing. Actors change often in front of everyone, let alone in front of other people of the same sex. Tina just got rid of her bracelets, belt and fingerless gloves, Mercedes had to remove her jacket but that was about it. Santana and Brittany removed the skirts of their uniform. And it was not showing. I know because I inspected everyone before they left the room. I was the only one who had to undress completely. My clothes would be showing under the very appalling baby blue pajamas, and the rule was it could not show. But I always dress in a skirt, so I have to accept the consequences. Plus, I was alone in the room. No one would see me like this. And I had prepared a big shirt, in case the pajama somehow opened.

I began removing my clothes. And I got stuck. I don't know how I did it, but I got stuck. I could not more my arms. I was running late, I had to let the guys change and I could not do a thing about it. I yelled, not really hoping for any help to come since the rooms were on the far side of the store. I had told the guys to wait for me before coming in, and now I could not come out. I could not show myself like that, topless. Hopefully I still had my skirt. I needed help. Badly. I was struggling to get free, to no avail. I called again. And someone responded.

Alright, so Finn helped me out of my jam. And I really don't want to write about it. I'm still too ashamed. I could not see his reaction, I could not see anything. And he could not see me blush, which is a very good thing. Ii would ave died right then and there if it had been any other guy. I almost did when I recognized his voice. I braced myself, and I needed someone. I just hope I never reappear with so little clothes on in front of a guy in a very, very long time. No matter who this guy is. It's too embarrassing. I don't want to feel as exposed as I felt ever again. Okay, maybe I do, but I want to be prepared first. And I think I might need a few years more. Like eight or ten. But I can't think about that now. I'm not done telling you, diary, how that damn commercial went.

I got out, thanks to Finn, and I took my time getting back with the girls. I was facing away when the other boys passed by me. I needed a little time to recompose myself. Finn had seen me in my bra. No one had before. Bit it wouldn't happen again. And I needed to clear it out of my system. I rejoined everyone, showing no other sign of excitement than what could be expected from anyone with a break like that. I prepared myself, not needing anyone else's help. Kurt was busy with everyone else anyway. I reinspected everyone, and waited for the boys to come out. A few minutes later, the director and the store owner had made their speech, and I had fallen back into my routine as a leader, cheering up my team.

As I said earlier, the script was bad. Like really, really bad. I was looking at the guys from time to time, and no one was looking at me weirdly. Finn had not made a story into my latest embarrassment. I thanked him silently and went back to business. I said my lines as I thought they had to be said. With cheer and positivity in my voice. The boys had lost their job, and coming at the store would brighten their day. A three year old would have written something better. No one was behind me on this. I decided it was time we do things our way. I lied through my teeth saying the script was good, but I needed to make them accept the change. We were good performers. We needed to perform!

Finn had brilliants idea with this. He was being the co-captain I hoped he would once be. He was directing the club, taking charge now that we had carte blanche, and only three hours to get ready. The director had given us extra time, which seemed to be good for him as well as he had other things to do. Since we weren't getting paid, it didn't change much of anything. So, I divided the song so that we could all sing a bit, Finn chose which part everyone was singing, we had Brittany, Santana, Mike and Matt working on our choreography and the others were constructing the set and helped Artie get to his chosen place.

We had so much fun singing _Jump_! It had rendered superbly and the choreography was completely adapted to our clothing and environment. I had left the group at the end of the choreography as I had lines to record. I still was the main announcer. Is was going to be great! Finn had taken over with no trouble at all. All he had done for me and for the club had me forgive him his previous lack of apparent loyalty and devotion completely. I was very, very proud of us all.

I was very low when I heard that Mr. Shue had to disqualify himself from competition. It was the only way to have us stay in. like puck said, he took the bullet for us. But now, My and Finn's work is going to get twice as hard. We were all down. And we really needed Mr. Shue's speech. We have to go all the way, no matter what we say. We worked so hard these last two months, we can't give up. We were shown the direction, now we have to travel the road. And for now, the road we travel has a yearbook picture on it. Everything will come in due time. I have faith. I have faith.

I gotta hand it to Quinn. She knows how to take care of business. She had us a full page, out of the Cheerio's yearly concession. I don't know how she did it, even if I have a bit of an idea, having seen her in her Cheerio's uniform, but I don't wanna know more. As a co-captain, I feel like I should reprimand all forms of unlawful actions, and I just can't do it on this occasion. It was only fair, much to the dismay of my fellow glee-clubbers. I will always be grateful to her for that. I wanted my yearbook, with my team on it, to be proud of them, even if our ride stops prematurely due to a loss at Sectionals. Glee is the best part of school. And I want to be able to remember it forever. So, thanks, Quinn. Again. And if this means more trouble for all of us, then let it be. I prefer to be proud than going into hiding for fear of the consequences.

I was so proud to be with everyone... Finn, Quinn, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Matt, Santana, Puck, Mike, Brittany and Kurt. All dressed well for our Glee club photo, smiling, enjoying each other's company. It just clicked. We celebrated. All happy and proud. All here together. I know of at least twelve yearbooks where the photo will stay intact. And all the time, I had Charlie Chaplin's _Smile_ in my head. And in my head, we were the performers.

* * *

**Gosh. I thought I would never see the end of it. But I love the result. And I hope you do too.  
Here we go. Into the heart of the season: the next two episodes. Soon. I have still no idea how I'm gonna write Finn finding out. Let the mayhem blow over! And again, and again...  
Now, I want to thank you all for your reviews. I love them. Please, leave one here too!  
**


	14. Sectionals

**_Sectionals_. What an episode! Angst, love, and everything in between...  
I had no clue when I started how it would turn up. Writing the finding-out and its immediate aftermath was hard. I hope it delivers.  
It was **_**too**_** long a time coming, and I'm very **_**sorry**_**. I was a bit down last week. But now, I'm back. With that, and a couple more pieces before **_**Hell-O**_**.  
Thank you so much for you reviews! That means more than you'll ever know. So, please, leave one at the end ^^**

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* * *

**

(Finn)

Look, I know I stare. And not just because Quinn yells about it, but because when I finally catch myself daydreaming and go back to the harsh real world, she's always the one I'm looking at. Okay, staring at. But I can't help it. I really can't. She makes me feel better. So I really don't think it's that bad that I stare. I wanna feel better. I want to forget… all the things that went crazy bad in my life.

Right now, she's singing something, I don't even know why. I don't focus on class or on the song, just on her. I don't even care if everyone sees me. Because I know they do. They always do. I don't wanna help it. Her voice always did it for me, remember, dad?

I mean, even Mr. Shue doesn't care. He just let it slide, and I don't even want to know why. It just works for me like that. I don't care about the yelling that will come later. Not for that, I don't. I mean, I don't say anything when I see her talking to Puck in the hallways! Why is she always so bent on me not talking to Rachel? She's my friend! It's just one of the many reasons Quinn has to yell, yell, yell. I don't know if everyone is like that once pregnant, but if they are, I'm not having another kid, ever. So, right now, she and Mercedes are singing Mercedes' solo. I don't have anything to do. So, I just concentrate. On her voice.

...

The week end was hell. Quinn was all over me, and she's not afraid of yelling at me in front of mom anymore. She acts like we owe her food and support and a roof for getting her in that situation. Well, that is partly true, but it doesn't excuse her being so bitchy and high horsy about it! We don't live in wealth, and I think she resents me for it. Well, that's how life goes. Deal with it. I am supporting you, my mom is doing everything she can too, when I know boys have left their girlfriends the minute they told them they were pregnant. I don't do that. I have too much respect for her and my mom to do that. My mom brought me up well. No wonder I daydream in class. Reality is harsh. Way harsher than what I thought it would ever be for a 15 year old. Remember dad, what I wrote at the beginning of the year? I feel like time flew by, and that years went away like that. The years of my youth, when I could do everything I wanted, have fun and smile and not work and stuff. It's only been a couple of months but I feel like I'll be 40 when my little girl says hello to this world. I feel crushed under responsibilities. I feel… lost. Again.

...

I think you can imagine what I felt today, dad, when Quinn slipped on water. I was really worried for her. What bugged me out of my skin is the other guy by her side. What the fuck was Puck doing there? She's my girlfriend, not his. She's having my baby, not his. Taking care of her is my job, not his. It will never be his job. So, again, what the fuck was Puck doing by her side? She was angry at him too. He had no business being there, and she put him in his place. Good, Quinn. I might not be in love with you, but I enjoyed that all the same. By the way, I'm not sorry for being worried. No way. I care about the little girl so much!

The worst part is everyone was there. Everyone noticed it. Everyone was frowning. And I know Rachel will not let this live down until she knows for sure that it was just a weird moment, but that it didn't mean anything. Puck backed out. And I carried Quinn to the nurse. She never even went on her feet. I did what I wanted to do. I scooped her up, and just left the room, leaving everyone behind. Quinn didn't want me to stay with her, so I left after reaching the nurse's office. Good thing no one was in the hallways, I would not have lived it down. I didn't even think about it then. I just held Quinn close, and I hummed to myself all the way. She didn't move, she didn't make a sound. She didn't protest. She let me be her boyfriend. And take care of her. Because of that, I know that the Puck thing is nothing. It doesn't mean anything. Having her let me be there gave me some sort of faith that I could get through the entire year okay. I'm not worried anymore. It's okay.

...

And then there are days like today. Days when I can't help myself. Days when I feel like the most selfish being on the planet. When I hope that all this is just a nightmare and that I'm going to wake up soon. To find Quinn not pregnant. A popular Cheerio that dumped her boyfriend for the sake of her reputation. The mean head cheerleader she was, not worried about anything but herself. Someone like Mike or Santana, someone who didn't suffer much from being a part of glee. Someone that left me to be happy, and not just for the occasional thing, but for the whole picture. Gosh, since when do I get that lyrical?

I know. Since I met my lead. Since she taught me to reach out for the dictionary more than once in my life because she was using words bigger than her. Since she made me feel good about myself. Since she appeared for the first time in my daydreams. That was not that long ago. When I caught myself daydreaming today, I hadn't seen her yet. I imagined her catching me looking at her, with something sweet and beautiful in her eyes. Something I have seen, but can't recognize. I wished at this instant that it was not just my imagination, that she really feels that strong. That she'll always be there to make me feel good about myself. No matter what she feels, I'm the one dreaming about returning them. Because I can't. Not really. And it hurts. Way more than I had ever imagined. It kills me to never be free again. So much it gets me back into reality.

So much I slapped myself definitely out of it. Just because I love Quinn differently doesn't mean I get to imagine things. I still love her. I promised her I would be honest. I owe her help and support. Daydreaming about by beautiful lead is not making things any easier for me. It's not what I need right now. Right now, I need easy. I need a friend. And I need to stay on earth.

...

With Wednesday came a new supervisor. Ms. Pillsbury is fine with me. It's not about knowing music, it's about supporting the team. That is why I know she's up to the job. She's always supporting me, and everyone else I'm sure when they need help. Plus, Mr. Shue out of the picture, we had to come up with our set list for ourselves. Artie and I did. He chose _Proud Mary_ in wheel chairs. I went with _Don't Stop Believing_. We only missed a ballad. That's when it could have gone all wrong. Rachel wanted it, and I understand why. She had a great voice and I never get tired of hearing her sing. Mercedes was not okay with it. I don't think she's the only one. She got Ms. Pillsbury to let her try. And I loved it. Sitting next to Rachel, seeing her frown, I tried to make it look as I didn't.

She's going to nail it with _And I'm Telling You_! We all got so much into it. Even Rachel went with us on it. I was a bit worried at first, because she was frowning. I couldn't hold it back long. No one could. Rachel let her have it. The solo, at Sectionals. I was happy, and once again, very proud of my best friend, letting someone else have the spotlight. Mercedes' a great singer. We're totally gonna win this thing.

* * *

(Rachel)

Sectionals are coming! It never was truer than this week. Not counting this one, eight days and counting. Today, we were rehearsing. All afternoon long. I just got home, and it's 8:30. I've never stayed so late at school. Well, all day might be a bit exaggerating. We did rehearse, under my lead, but after that, we just went crazy. We've been rehearsing so hard the past week we just decided to do what we wanted, if we still sang. I immediately knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to sing with Mercedes. She made a face, but when I turned it into a diva off she said okay immediately. Kurt did, too. She began one of her R'n'B ballads and she was incredible. Not as good as me, but still very good in her repertoire. If I'm being honest, she was great. More than that even. I asked her to show me, because I wanted her to feel good and I did want to learn a few things more. And she said yes, again. I think she enjoyed being the teacher for once. She was the lead. I didn't contradict her, nor made any comment, I just followed her lead.

I will be the soloist at Sectionals. So, I feel good about letting her shine for once. It's a beautiful song. I gave credit where credits were due. It never was so easy.

I could see the room, when she showed me the harmonies. She was the one who had to concentrate more. She knows I have perfect pitch and she knows I would have told her if she had gotten out of range. But she didn't. Not once. I was half concentrated on her, and half on what was happening in front of me. She the lead, it was easy for me. Plus, the scene in front of me was keeping me focused on it.

We were just us, the musicians had left. Everyone was singing in little groups. Well, almost everyone. Our dancers were having some kind of dance competition. Low music was coming from their corner, eschewed from an iPod and some portable speakers. Tina and Artie were singing to each other, sitting side by side. Finn was just staring. At me, I think. Kurt was with us, correcting me at all times. I had dared him to do the same, and he would be next after I had mastered it as perfectly as I could in the few minutes we had. No, what got my attention was Noah and Quinn. Talking next to each other in deep conversation. Almost touching hands. The constant attention they had for each other. It reminded me of all I had seen in the past. The secret glances, the knowing smiles. The attention he'd had for her for a while. And the time Noah and I had broken up. I knew he had a thing for Quinn. After today, I was sure it was way more than that.

The idea was turning in my head all night long. I couldn't close my eyes. I could not erase from my head the image of Noah kissing Quinn's forehead, both sitting just behind Finn. He didn't notice a thing. An earthquake could have happened right in front of him, and he wouldn't have noticed. No one bugged him. He was smiling lightly, and we were all too absorbed in out different activities to wake him up. I don't think anyone else noticed Noah and Quinn either. There was no doubt in my mind that something more was going on. Something I had to find out. The week end would prevent my finding out immediately, but I could at least find a way to exactly know what more is. Coming up to them is out, seeing the complete impossibility of either one of them telling me if I asked. So, all I could do was think, and remember all the signs. And solve that equation. That would be Sunday. Tomorrow, I was sure to have something else in my mind. Something that could help me escape from the images turning incessantly in my head.

Alyssa. God, I'm feeling a bit sad today. December 12. It's not your fault, though. You never saw that car coming, and you never meant to be hit by it. You never meant to break the promise we had made each other at summer camp, all those years ago. Every year, on this day, I find myself thinking about you all day, about where you would be, how you would live, if you had any friends and maybe someone very special in your life. I imagine how you would look, and how it would be so, so good to see each other just one more time. If you were still alive today, you'd be 15 today, just like I will be in a few days. I find it so awesome that we only have a few days difference in age. We were always close, remember? We were immediately best friends. I remember that day like it was yesterday, not eleven years, five months, and a day. Who knew a four-year-old's memory could be so vivacious, so present, even after all this time?

So, why do I not remember you in March, or in July? Well, today is your birthday. It's supposed to be a happy day. I promised myself I could not remember you the day you died, or the day we met (not that I don't), because I get sad too fast. I tried. And I came up with that. Because I also remember when I went to Broadway for the very first time, and how you were with me, if only in thoughts. That was the day I promised myself I would only remember happy things. So, March got out of the way, and July just remembers me that we were best friends only two summers in a row. Today, I decided something else. I'm going to write to you again. Like, directly to you. You know, like I used to back in the days? I went some time with no one, then it was to the diary but it was far from satisfying. So, I'm back at you. I need someone to write to, someone I can tell everything to. I need that, desperately. I need your help, I need the feeling there is someone who can help me decide what to do. So, Alyssa, my angel, you feel up to the task? By the way, happy birthday!

I spend the entire day yesterday taking a break from singing and dancing. I spend the entire day thinking about the times I was on Broadway, and the memories I have from her at summer camp. I spend the entire day watching musicals with my dads. Not thinking about glee. Not thinking about anything, but her. I really need her advice, and her support. Writing to her was probably a good thing, but that is something only the future will tell me. For now, I didn't come up with anything more than being sure Quinn and Noah had strong feelings for one another. This is hardly a revelation, I know. An innocent kiss doesn't mean anything. God knows I did more with Finn and he doesn't have that kind of feelings for me. Plus they have known each other forever. Maybe they dated in the past, I don't know. Until I have more proof, I will not go further. What I will do is to be extra careful. Starting tomorrow.

I don't want to ruin Finn and Quinn with no grounds. No matter what the eventual benefit could be. Eventual, yes. Everyone knows of the tale of the messenger being blamed for the message. I will ever risk something like that just because I saw someone being kissed on the forehead. My dads kiss me on the forehead. It's a mark of affection, but something I would not find immoral with old friends. Being on the lookout might be deemed unfair. I blame my perfectionist side. I need to know exactly what is going on, and I need reassurance that nothing is. As beneficiary for me the fact that something is going on might be, the damage done to my best friend would be too much for me to bear. I never want to see him in that sort of pain. I never want to see anyone in pain for realizing the love we feel isn't returned. Unrequited love isn't to be wished on anyone, even on your worst enemy.

The idea that popped into my head as I watched Noah rush to Quinn's side won't leave my mind. He had his back on me, but the words are itched into my brain. And even more, the possible implications of his being that worry for a baby that is not _his_. If my best friend was having a baby with the girl I loved, I would be worry, yes, but not for the little girl growing. I would not seek hot towels. I would get out of my mind to remember that she loves me too and that all this is a mistake. And most of all, I would never let anyone see it.

All I could see was Finn's face. All I could see is that he had noticed something. And that he didn't like it that much. Asking Noah why they both were by his girlfriend's side. It was his job only. Wandering why she didn't look at him while berating them both for caring too much. Like she didn't want Noah's attention. What I believe on that particular point is a little different. I think she didn't want Noah to show the feelings he had for her to anyone, let alone to Finn. He had to get a reassuring glance from Noah, because his worry disappeared a bit. But I know he's not okay with the whole deal. I don't think he realizes what this could mean, yet. Bless him for being a little slow at times. It has its uses. He wasn't frowning anymore when he took Quinn into his arms and carried her to the nurse. Quinn had a weird look on her face, though. I don't think she would have minded if Noah had taken her there instead. It really was just a bit of water. That could create a tidal wave.

The rest of the day went fine. All the numbers we have for now are almost perfect. I will make a great soloist for Sectionals. I am the captain, I was elected, it is my duty to hold the team and let them shine under my lead. I am very confident. Only the replacement for Mr. Shue is a source of worry. I know my fellow glee-clubbers are thinking more about that than about Sectionals. On the subject, I know Mr. Shue will come out with someone just perfect for the week-long job. I trust him completely now.

All I could think about today was to ask everyone at glee what they were thinking about it. I found them talking about replacements, and I just went for it. My psychic abilities never warned me of the complete failure asking that question would be. They didn't seem that concerned with it, at first. They were downsizing it completely. But my sixth sense it right. And they gave me proof. Proof that they know something real is going on. The way they just bolted out of the room, I knew. I knew I wasn't in on it. I believed at firs that they left me there because they didn't want to be near someone like me. Mu pride was hurt. I mean, they don't trust me. That was all I could think about. Until I realized why they didn't trust me. They couldn't trust me because it involved Finn and everyone is aware of my feelings for him. The only thing they don't know is how strong said feelings are. They were afraid whatever I could use whatever it is to destroy Quinn and Finn, just before a competition. I see their point. And it only got me more on edge. Everyone knows. I know it. I can feel it. Everyone, but Finn and me.

Which tells me only one thing. Whatever it is, is bad. Really bad. They are risking friendships just for the sake of secrecy. They know it can do real damage to our group. They also know Finn is a big part of our chance at Sectionals. Which would warm my heart if I wasn't hurting for him. I believe he has the right to know. I believe, as a captain, I have, too. And since no one is going to tell me, I will definitely have to find it out for myself. The idea I got yesterday popped back into my head. It had taken me hours to get it out, and almost all the inner resources I have not to be thinking about it. But now, I have to know. And I will use the extensive knowledge I possess to do it. I need to think, but if I'm right, then I'll just have a few words to say to Quinn. And then, I will have to wait. Wait for a response. For Finn's sake, I hope it will be negative. For mine, I haven't decided yet. The implications are so important I haven't have time to figure it out for myself yet.

For now, I have to do more research. And I have to find a song to sing. It's a surprise for after Sectionals I just had burgeoning in my head. It needs maturing. So, that is what I will do tonight. Mature the ideas and plans I have for the next four days. For the first time in my life, there is so much going on I cannot see past Sectionals. We need a new adviser. No one wants to rehearse without one anymore. I don't blame them, for once. I completely understand. They have a secret to keep. No one can risk telling me in a fit of anger. It's okay. I have enough work not to be too bothered about it. Like I said, we are almost perfect.

I got so worked up thinking about all things yesterday I didn't realize I went to school with the same sweater two days in a row. I didn't lose any time putting the Quinn plan in motion, though. I have to say genetics isn't my field at all. I didn't understand everything. All I got is that Tay-Sachs is a terrible and lethal disease, and that it is predominant in the Jewish population. It took some time to find it. But as soon as I found the few lines resuming the disease in the Internet, I knew I would use it. and I knew I had to be like a concerned friend who just made a mistake telling her about this disease in the first place. It's cruel, I know, but if I'm right, what they're doing is worse. Quinn doesn't risk much, because the Jewish population most concerned with it lives on the Old Continent. Plus the recessive character makes it highly improbable that anything will be wrong. Which is fine, because I would hope on no one to see a child die of that. I needed to know. I needed to see what was worth so much just to keep it a secret.

_Now, I know._

Mr. Shue came through too. He found us Ms. Pillsbury as a replacement for the rest of the week and the competition. I can hardly say I'm surprised, we all know she feels strongly for him and he doesn't reciprocate. He's married. He shouldn't reciprocate anything. So, it's okay. I know she'll be more than okay with my idea. Which will wait for tomorrow. She was too busy stealing my solo from under me and giving it to Mercedes to care. I tried to tell Mercedes that she was not good for the solo, not being really subtle about it, despite how great she was last Friday. Not one was listening to my arguments. I almost got the leader reason out, but I restrained myself. It would only have added strain over our relations, and I didn't need that at all. So, I let it go, for once. I let Mercedes sing _And__ I'm Telling You_. Even with the images looping in my mind, I could feel the strong emotions displaying in her voice. Her expertise at using her voice, I never noticed better than right then and there. So, I let it go. With pride. And a hug. She will make a great soloist. She'll make us proud. And we will win, because we have all these songs.

I could not get Quinn's reaction out of my mind. I had hoped under Quinn's initial look of surprise when I first told her that I had been wrong after all. Because yes, part of me hoped for it. I'm not a monster. I just don't want to keep the club in a rotten situation. We have a fragile balance and this balance is based on a lie. I so wished it wasn't. The consequences for me would be definitively bad, but at least the club would not be under a menace if the truth came out. I can't relish in knowing all is different, because I have no idea what will happen once I tell him. Once he _knows_. Everything will change. I'm not sure I can deal with everything yet. So, for now, I will hold it. Until I can decide what is best, and what I can live with. I know I will tell him. What I don't know is when.

* * *

**Drum rolls...**

_Seeing Finn this happy decided me instantly. I need to tell him as soon as possible. It's the right thing to do. I don't need to protect myself. I don't need to fear the consequences. I need to do what everyone else couldn't do. It could mean the end of our friendship, and I don't know how I could do without that. It could ruin so many lives. Quinn and Puck will never forgive me, but this is secondary. I need to tell the truth. In the long run, I need to see him as happy as he is now. Like he was before all this baby mayhem began. Maybe he'll hate me for it. But it's okay. Some things are just more important._

I waited for her when she got out of the room. I needed to talk to her. To tell her I was proud of what she had done. It couldn't have been easy. I could see it on her face as we talked. She put on a brave face, but there was still something on her mind. I could tell. It's like I've known her forever. And it's been only about two months. I felt just great. I wanted to smile and everything. I wanted to feel as good now as when I was with Quinn and our kid. Sectionals could make it good, and I'm not letting an occasion to be happy all the time go. I need it too much.

_His words were my calling call. It was now or never. I don't know if he noticed the change in me. He told me point blank he was happy about Sectionals because it could make it better with Quinn. That's when I knew. I knew I had to blow it over, and deal with the consequences after. We all deserve to be happy. Especially when unhappiness is brought on by a situation based on a lie. That is something I could not stand anymore. All I needed was the little ounce of courage I lacked. And then, he would be free. And everything would change._

Something is upsetting her. As soon as I talked about Quinn, her whole face changed. Like she was in pain. But not because I hurt her. It's something else. She seems so sad. And it's a good day. She hasn't done anything bad. She was very courageous. I wanted to know why she was like that. Not smiling at me anymore. I love to see her smile at me. It's not something I said. I asked. She smiled once more, but again with sad. It's almost like she can't not look at me, and she's forcing herself. So, I asked again.

"_Something up with you?" He was trying to cheer me up. His real concern for my gave me the last ounce I needed. There is no turning back. No painless ways to do it. He would not see it coming. But it's for the best. So, yes, Finn. Something is up with me. You're going to hate me in a matter of seconds and I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. All I could come up was "I want you to be happy Finn."_

You want me to be happy... with her?

"_And when you care about someone you can't just sit around and watch them suffer when you know you can do something about it." I don't know if he got the meaning. Even I thought I was speaking too fast. Now is the big plunge. My heart breaks for him. _

What? What she talking about? This doesn't make any sense. There's nothing anyone can do for me. It's okay, really. It's gonna be, anyway. I don't like where it's going. Rachel is a lot of things, but she's not a liar. She knows something, and it's serious. Serious enough that she doesn't want to tell me. "What are you talking about?"

"_I need to tell you something." I'm bracing myself for his reaction. I'm bracing myself for what will be next. And I'm hoping he'll forgive me. Don't kill the messenger._

She looked at me right in the eyes. Staring like we were all alone. Willing me to forgive. It gave me the creeps. It is bad. Real bad.

"_Quinn cheated on you with Puck. He is the father."_

"WHAT?" I yelled back.  
In my head. 'NO. NOT TRUE. LIAR. NOT TRUE. NOT THEM. NOT TRUE. LIAR. NOT TRUE.'  
I ran to the choir room.

_My back was sore. He had pushed me into the lockers. I ran after him. He didn't kill me. Shoved Noah on the ground, his face distorted with anger. He's out of control. Furious. Angry. Betrayed. Unstoppable. Scaring me. Punching Noah on the face. Everyone looks. Everyone is horrified._

Mr. Shue stopps me. Takes Mike and Matt to hold me back. I don't want to believe it. 'NOT TRUE' runs in my head. It's not true! Tell me it's not true.

_Finn's fighting Mike and Matt off. Noah playing dumb, not helping. Quinn's crying, not helping. He's slowly calming down Mr. Shue helps. I think it's setting in._

"Who told you this, Finn?" Quinn is crying. It _IS_ true. It IS true. It is true. No. it can't be. They have to tell me it's not true. I have to hear it. I have to hear it. it's not true.

_Everyone knows I told Finn. I don't care. I feel bad, really, really bad, but not guilty. Gaining back trust from them is going to be really, really hard. Finn had to know. He didn't kill the messenger. He didn't lie. That is all I wanted._

"They're all lying to me." I have to know. My best friend didn't screw me over. My girlfriend had a reason for putting me through that. Why Rachel lied. "Is it true? Just tell me, is it true." I have to know they didn't betray me. They wouldn't lie to me. Not about that. Right? It is not true.

_I already know the answer and it kills me to watch Finn have to go through the realization that everything was a lie. _

"Yes. Puck is the father." She wants me to forgive. Never. Never. NEVER. I've been made. Betrayed. She knows I sleep in biology so she BS-ed me. She took advantage. Of me. I'm so stupid! So stupid! Hot water… yeah, real fine, Finn. You believing her screwed you over good. Gosh! What a dickwad! I'm the only one capable of buying that. The only one.

_Noah has to lay low. Finn's not over punching him again, I just know it. 'Quit the lame ass comments' I wanted to yell. No, no time for correct language._

I'm done. Done with. Done with Quinn. Done with everyone. Done with glee. Glee only brought pain. I'M DONE. And I can't go home. Mom can't see me like this. I need to be alone.

* * *

(Rachel)

Finn walked out of the room, kicking a chair on the way. I was feeling a strange mixture of pain and relief, shame and certainty. Not real proud of what I have done, but I needed to do it. It wasn't the right moment, and at the same time it was. I don't have to worry about emotions, now. Everyone but Mr. Shue and Ms. Pillsbury looked at me with death stares, and they all went out in silence. MR. Shue wasn't happy, but I think he understood. "Why did you do it, why now?" "Lies are toxic, Mr. Shue I'm a captain. It's my job to look out for the team in the long run. Sometimes it entails doing things I don't want to do. I didn't choose the time. I myself have known for less than an hour." He understood. I knew that. Ms. Pillsbury did, too. They smiled sadly, and went out of the room. I stayed there for a few moments. I had to apologize to only one person. Quinn.

So, I did. I went to her, finding her crying, sitting on a bench in the hallways. I wanted to accept all and every physical damage she wanted to do to me. She didn't do anything. She wasn't mad at me. I told her I was after Finn, which is true, but not the only reason I told him, not by a long shot. We both lost something in the process. I lost my best friend, and she lost her boyfriend. She had lost him a long time ago, but it had only taken place today. She told me to go, so I left, passing by Puck. He was angry too, but no trace of it really directed at me. The situation was just bad. And we had never been really friends.

All I have left now is a team set against me for telling the truth, the ones that should be even angrier at me actually being the one that are the less mad. I have a best friend who left the group, and me in the process. I have a team that can't compete anymore with one member short of the minimum. And I have a full set list. Things could be better. I have hope, they will.

The next two days went in a blur. Mr. Shue hired Ben Israel as Finn's replacement. We taught him the steps on our own. I put it into a vote for us to sing for Mr. Shue after Sectionals, and they all agreed. We rehearsed that a bit, mixing all choreographies of what we had done these last two months. They let me lead, because we all did it together. The eleven lasting members of New Directions. Jacob was excluded from that number. Friday night, I celebrated my birthday with my dads, even if I didn't feel like it. Far, far from it actually. There was nothing sweet about my Sweet Sixteen. Too much was heaving on my heart.

I had sent messages to Finn, and on Thursday night, he finally answered. "I need time alone. Please. Not mad at you." None of us had seen him since he had walked out on us.

* * *

(Finn)

I ran out of the school. Not going back today. Not going back until after vacation. I took my car and drove around until I had no gas left. I ended up in a playground far from home and a little outside of town. I could do anything there. I texted my mom saying I was coming home late. She was working all the time these days and I knew she would not wait up. I had the radio up as loud as I could. Music had always helped me. Tonight would be no exception.

I got home in silence. Everything wags quiet. I needed quiet. All of me was burning and hurting. I cried the second I came into the door. It only stopped when I fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning to see boxes downstairs. Quinn was leaving. Good. Her welcome had died. My mom had left me a note saying Quinn had told her everything and that she would take her boxes after school. Good. I could still not show mom what it had done to me.

I didn't go to school, I went to work. I needed something to keep things out of my mind. I was getting paid for being yelled at Sheets n' Things, so it was okay. I'd have something in return. It proved good during the days. I still cried every night. It still stopped with me falling asleep. I was back with just my mom, and she helped me. I didn't cry before her, but she was just there for me. Like a mom would always be.

Rachel had sent me messages, and left me voice mails. Hers were the only ones I opened. She wanted to know how I was and if I was still mad. I needed time alone, so I just told her that. I wasn't mad. She hadn't lied to me. She answered "Okay. Miss you." And never sent one again. I think she told the others because they stopped too. By Friday night, for her I just thought 'thank you'.

* * *

**Sectionals. I'm going back alternative, and they're not together in the beginning, so hold on.**

_Saturday finally came. Still, no word from Finn. He had definitely left us. Well, we still had a competition to go to. And to win. We all got into the special bus, all eleven of us, plus Ben Israel. I still can't see him as a part of the team, because he's not. He never will be. He can't sing and he's just there to replace Finn. No one was talking. I had to change places several times upon being joined by Ben each time. He was touching my shoulders, and I could not deal with him now. I had a whole team to cheer. Well, cheer as well as I could, as they were still mad at me, Kurt being the angrier. It was the longest ride we've ever taken. _

Saturday morning, I woke up with a start. Because I had worked the last two days, and because I had already cleared the day, I had nothing to do. Not really. So, I went to school. Not at the crack of dawn, I think I got there around eleven. I had walked there, and it had taken the better part of an hour. I never realized I lived that far. Okay, not far, but driving changes everything to distances. Being the week end, I knew I would not see anyone there. I had my football locker to clean out, and I didn't want to wait any longer.

_The only thing I knew was that with Ms. Pillsbury, we had someone who believed in us, no matter what. She could be of great help, plus everyone liked her. I believed in us, as for everyone else, I had no way to know. _

It was weird being all alone. I'm used to see the school and lockers full of people, and here I was, alone. Like I had been the last two days and a half. I was feeling better, but it was very fragile. I still had to restrain myself. My next stop after the lockers was going to be the workout room. I needed to work that frustration out, and doing it around the house is a bad idea. I didn't want to see anyone. I wanted to go on holidays, and be on a three weeks break. School could not start again late enough. Then, a noise had me look up from my bag.

_We arrived at the competition's site. Buckeye civic auditorium. All in regular clothes, our costumes being taken upon arrival by people from the auditorium in charge of it to our team's room. It was called the green room. The auditorium was big and red and had a lot of people walking around. We were all sitting, in silence, while Ms. Pillsbury signed us in. She came back, and told us we were going last. One other thing the club wasn't happy about. Upon hearing Tina's comment, I could not take it anymore. I had a job to do. I had a team to cheer. And I would do just that. _

Mr. Shue. The only one I who could be at school today. Great. I went here to be alone, clean my things, work out a bit and then go home. That is a good plan. I don't think it's going to stay like that. Mr. Shue has a way of changing my plans. Just like the way he changed it when he made me join…

_Going last is good. Better, even, than going first. Because we'll have time to see what the other teams have, and time to prepare ourselves. My never winning an audition just yet doesn't count. All knowledge is good to have. And this is my field of expertise. So I would not be turned into ridicule by Kurt, no matter how much he wants it. Plus, I have our supervisor on my side. I, for one am impatient. I can't wait those hours in between performances from the groups. I can't wait for us to go on stage. I feel really good about our numbers, and not even Jacob Ben Israel is going to change that. So, like Mercedes said, and I'm afraid she was the only other one thinking like me, no reason not to get in with positive mojo._

"Seems like something that could have waited until Monday." I couldn't wait until… Changed the subject. Just because I'm not in anymore doesn't mean I don't care. And I'm really sorry things are bad. but I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that. There is nothing I can do. And I don't like where his next line is going. He wants me to… go?

_Well… we definitively need positivity. And self-restraint. We got our set list stolen! Someone from the team leaked it to the enemy. To Ms. Sylvester, first, probably. I don't know of another teacher that bent on destroying us. Not even the Coach. From what I heard, his problem isn't with us, it's with Mr. Shue. And I know Finn didn't do it. he left us, sure, but he loved glee too much to do something like that. I know it. Just like I know we have other kids who could fill the profile of the stealer just right. Starting with the Cheerios, ex or not._

I don't think so. "And I can? I can't be in the same room with her without crying like a girl. I can't see look at him without wanting to punch his face off." Good thing I haven't seen any of them in the last few days. Just memories when I get around are just enough these days. No, going is definitely out. Until he changes my mind. He's just like Rachel this way. He knows what to say to flip me over to his side. And I am sorry for what happened with your wife. Not that I could ever say it.

_I couldn't see, but I could feel the dejection and anger emanating from every one of us. We watched Proud Mary and If I'm Telling You being performed by the Jane's Academy. There was no doubt in any of us. We were sabotaged, and only Ms. Sylvester was capable of doing that. Only she could destroy twelve people's dream just to have her own. No human being was capable of that. And she was no human being. I think we all knew that by now._

"All I know is that between you and me, I don't think they can win without you." See, dad? What'd I told you. Everything is always on my shoulders. Glee. Football. Basketball. I have to do things I don't want because I'm the leader. Why can't other people do it, for once? I don't want to be the bigger man. I don't want to go and save the day. I don't want to be the super hero. I feel so _not_ like a super hero. Not fair! I want to forget all of it ever happened. But I feel like for him it's been there, done that. He was the lead too, back then. He knows what I'm talking about.

_We waited the first intermission, everyone feeling even lower than the next. I'm not sure which was worse. Knowing one of us had sabotaged us or just knowing we had no chance at winning. No win meant no Regionals. And no Regionals meant no more glee club. For me, it was a toss-up. One moment the first, one moment the next. We would still do our best, but it was just for show now. The fire had died. Glee club: September 11 - December 19, 2009. Rest in peace. We'll all miss it. And cry in silence. Like I do right now._

"You can't always get what you want." Thanks, Mr. Shue. I hadn't noticed. And when he left, with his car keys behind, I'm sure he knew I was gonna get there. He had given me the solution, so it didn't look that bad. it was like the first time I had come back. I was bringing the music, all over again. And I would need the entire team to make it work. I had saved New Directions once already, and in my heart I didn't want that time to be for nothing. So maybe we needed to get saved one more time.

_The second performers came, sang Don't Stop Believing, and I got exasperated by some guy crying the row before mine. I got up, called a meeting and stormed out, in silence, in the way I sued to before. This had to stop. We had to do something. We had no songs on our set list left, and we would need all time available to go through the motions of picking three and rehearsing a bit right before performing._

Without wasting time, I got the music, took my anger out on the Cherrio's copy machine, got in his car and left. Direction: Buckeye civic auditorium.

_They joined me pretty fast, and we all went into work mode. we found out Brittany was the leak, but we were more annoyed at her than downright mad. She had no idea of the bad she would cause. And Santana admitted to us being the best part of her day. I felt it like a small victory, right then and there. And I believe her. So now, we needed new numbers. To be precise, a ballad, and two group numbers. _

The ride was fast. I never broke any speed laws, and only going the limited speed felt fast to me. I was nervous, scared of my own reaction when I would see everyone again. But I had to man up, and do what I needed to. Rachel came back once because we had a performance. I could come back just for that sole competition. Glee would continue without me, but at least it would get to continue. I got there quickly, found the listing and saw where I could find them all.

_I tried to get one from Mercedes, to have her still singing the solo, but she gave it back to me. Kurt was behind her, and he always was my strongest opponent. So, I will perform the song I had planned to a few weeks ago. I have been training for that for twelve years, after all. Quinn was up, and came with Somebody To Love. Only Noah still doubted. He had a point, though. We needed a third number. What I saw next, I could not believe._

I got into the room, and time stopped. All eyes were on me. Like the E.T. coming home after some time on another planet. Felt a bit like that, too. I was back, for the performance. They needed me, and I wasn't going to let them down now. It took all I had not to bolt out again. I was careful not to be close to anyone just yet. My anger had risen a bit, and I needed time to let it go down again.

_He took charge. Just like I remember him taking charge the last time around. My heart was still fluttering in my chest from seeing him again. We were six then, we're twelve now. Our dancers did choreography. Ben Israel got kicked out of the team, but not before making a comment about his goals here I chose to ignore. Everyone got to work. I welcomed him back. One captain to another. One lead to another. One best friend to another. And more. We had convinced Mr. Shue to stay with one song. We could convince the judges with three. It was all about believing._

No, not cool, Puck. It never will be cool. Not you, not her. Be happy I don't punch you again because we could get disqualified and leave it at that. I left him at that. I went by Rachel, wanting to hug her for just being concerned. I didn't, we had more pressing matters. I had a talk just for her, too. I knew she had gotten the solo back. No one had told me. I just did. I smiled at her, she smiled at me, and I joined my team to work on the new song. A new song not even one hour before performing. We're crazy!

_I wanted to hug him, and I think he wanted to hug me. He didn't hold back the pep talk he had for me, or the smile and concern. He really wasn't mad at me. He was one savior, I was the other. Just like the team we always were. I had my best friend back. I felt happy in all this mess. I went to rehearse my solo before joining everyone around the table for the second song that could save us all. I kept glancing at him. I don't think he realizes the importance he had in the group. I don't think he ever had._

The hour flew by. Before I knew it, we changed into our costumes, and prepared ourselves backstage. I was nervous. It was a real competition, and the future of the club was hanging on our winning it. before long we were aligned, split in two groups. It was almost time.

_Finn was standing right behind me. I could feel him, him warmth and silent support, his hands on my shoulder. I will never thank him enough for doing those simple gestures for me. He was the one who had dealt with a lot, and today, he still came through for us. That was something I would never forget. I looked up in his eyes and told him to go with our team. I didn't really want him to leave, but the spotlight would come on me and they could not see him before the right time. He just smiled in the dim lights, and took a few steps back. The music came on. Showtime._

Once again, I almost got lost hearing her sing. This was something I'd never heard before, and she had so much power, so many feelings in her voice… I almost missed my clue. Mercedes poked me in the back a few seconds before and I was right back on track. Focused. On the competition. Not on her.

_Singing the solo and those two other numbers… one the greatest rush I ever had in my life! A real group effort? You Can't Always Get What You Want. Singing with him, it's like nothing had happened. It still felt as right and good as ever. All complete with the flutters in my stomach and everything. I might have fallen in love with him again. Even if for now, I have to hold that back. I promise, Ally, one day, I'll introduce him to you._

After the show, we went back stage. And right next to the judge's room to try and hear anything they could say. We were all nervous, and it was making us do crazy things. Artie was on listening-in-with-a-glass detail, and he was not happy. It wasn't really good.

_The Jane's Academy advisor came to us, to apologize. At least, she recognized the cheat. That was not enough, though. Two teams could win because of our work. She wanted to make it all right, but the judges had already deliberated. No one could do anything anymore. The tension rose up a notch._

We waited for a lifetime. Sure, more like a few minutes. Felt like a lifetime. We all went on stage, with the other teams, and the guy-judge read the results. We won!

_We won! A big shiny trophy and everything! We won! Almost everyone hugged each other. I was crying with joy. It was okay. It would be okay. Glee was going to get to Regionals! We had a new date with victory! And when I hugged him, I didn't want to let it go._

It came back. When she hugged me. The flip flop in my stomach. The tension and relief coming at the same time made it so much stronger. I can't place the last time, all I know is that it felt better. Until it didn't. All this mess made me want to puke. So, I did. And I think the flip flop was for something. I don't want to be sick after feeling like that. I held it back until we got off stage, but then I ran to the bathroom. When I came out, something had lifted from my shoulders. A teeny tiny something. It was welcome. Even if I don't know what it was. So, maybe that's not that bad. Maybe it's just a bit too much for now. I still need time.

_I saw Finn run to the bathroom, a nauseous look on his face. When he came out, he was smiling again. I couldn't help but be a bit moved. All the emotions had made my huge friend's stomach turn into a mess. I didn't show it, though. All I showed was that I was there if he needed me. I think he did, just then. It was time to go back. We got outside, and at the moment when I was leaving his side to get into the bus, he held my hand. "Ride back with me?" _

And she did. I needed a friend, I needed company. It had been a hard day. I was far away of the original plan. By this time I was seeing me home playing video games, instead I was in Mr. Shue's car driving back to Lima with Rachel. I didn't talk, and she didn't press anything. We just put the radio on and sung to the songs. Just like we used to do. I would have lost that for nothing in this world. By the time we got back, I also knew something else. "I still need time, Rachel. Alone. I need to time to heal. I promise the moment I'm ready to see people again, you'll be the first on my list. Until then, I hope you'll be patient. You're still my best friend and I will need you."

"_Okay, Finn. I will respect that, and wait. Will you come at glee on Monday? We have something for Mr. Shue." I hoped he would. "Okay." Never in my life was I so glad that this year's break had a weird start date. Monday was a school day, and the winter break was beginning at the end of it. "See you Monday, Finn. get well soon." With that, I exited the car in front of my house where he had dropped me off, and went to my dads with a big smile on my face. The next day, I told my dad hos it had finally played out._

I got home, and mom was there. I was exhausted, and she didn't say anything. I had been out, and I had seen friends. She was okay with that. Plus, we had won our competition. She was more than okay with that. I spend Sunday sleeping and playing, eating with my mom and stuff. I was feeling better, at times. I still had a lot to deal with in front of me.

_On Monday, I eagerly waited for Finn before glee. We were all here to celebrate our victory, and present the trophy to Mr. Shue. Plus, we had a surprise for him. Finn got here on time, and we went through the song once with him as the male lead, finishing just in time for Mr. Shue to arrive. We were going to rock his boat with that song, and everything it said. We believed in it._

We presented the trophy, and sung . We didn't rehearse more. Mr. Shue let us go right after the song. He said he had something else to do. I think we were all fine with it. It meant holiday break beginning earlier. Who could be mad with that? I left too. Singing with everyone again, at school, in the choir room brought back everything with a force. I had mountains to deal with. To do that, I needed to get away from it all. It was breaking my heart to do it but I felt like it was the only way. So, I left the room, and went towards the parking lot. Rachel was following me, probably concerned for me and stuff. I could not take any more of her kindness right now. I could not take anything anymore.

_"I quit." He said quickly._

I went home fast after that. I didn't need another speech that could make me come back once again. I went home to cry. Glee had cost me my popularity, my oldest friend and my girlfriend. I could not take more blows to my pride or to myself. I was never going back.

_He didn't let me the time to recover. He was gone when I could think again. Then I went home to cry. I had been given a truce during Sectionals, but asking him to come back for that last song had been too much. Telling the truth had cost me my best friend. And the one I love._


	15. Reassurance

**This is a little companion piece in between _Sectionals_ and _Hell-O_. It's doing me a world of good to write short chapters again. I was supposed to be an entry in Rachel's diary, but it came out like this. Way better.  
Thanks for the support and all the alerts! Oh, and I'd love a few words from you at the end of this... just sayin' ^^  
**

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The snow was falling outside, and in the Berry household, everyone was preparing to spend the evening together. It was a day like every other for them. For some, it was Christmas Eve. Rachel had decided to cook tonight, and everyone was gathered around the delicious looking and mouthwatering smell of tonight's dinner.

It was a tradition, every year from the beginning of Holiday break until New Year's Eve. Every night, the Berry family was sending time together, watching movies, talking and playing games until it was time to sleep. They didn't celebrate, but it was still a time of year to be together more than usual and just enjoy being together.

Tonight, Rachel's fathers just wanted their daughter to open up. She had been merry, and happy like every year, but she still had sometimes a little look in her eyes. The same she had worn just before winning her competition. The smiles had returned, but they never quite reached her eyes. Hiram and Leroy both knew the reason behind it. She had told them the whole story the evening before Sectionals.

"How is Finn, sweetie?" Hiram said softly, as they were eating. He always was the perceptive and the comprehensive one of the family. Tonight, he would prove it once more.

"I don't know. He quit Glee and I'm not sure he's ever coming back. He's not seeing anyone. He's not giving any news. I don't ask because he told me not to, and I respect his wishes. I feel it's my fault, dad. He was more or less okay at Sectionals, and I asked him to come back again that to sing to Mr. Shue with us. It was too early, but he did it anyway. That was the last I saw or heard. I'm worried, daddy."

Both her dads could feel the underlying feelings under her little tirade. She had talked with a heavy voice, and tears had glistened in her eyes. She had refused to let them fall. She had to be strong, but at the moment, it was hard. She missed her best friend more than she wanted to admit, and she wanted to be there for him. Letting him deal with all of this alone wasn't settling very well with her, and it had awakened fears of having lost him for good because she had pushed it too hard once again.

"Give him time, sweetie. It's only been a few days. He has a lot to deal with. He'd say when he'll be out again?" Hiram said again, looking at her. Leroy was silent, watching the scene. He always was more rational, and even if he understood, the feelings of protectiveness he had for his daughter were always the strongest, and he was trying not to be angry at Finn for making her feel like this.

"He just said I was the first on his list when he was ready." Her little sentence warmed both their hearts. Leroy felt his remaining anger dissipate, and Hiram just smiled at her.

"See? He hasn't forgotten you. You're probably his only friend right now. You just need to be patient, and I know it will be okay for the both of you." It was then his turn to make her smile.

"How do you know?" Rachel always wondered how her father could always be so sure of things like that. It was a sense of self-certainty she hoped to have one day.

"I just do. Like I knew you were born when the snow started to fall fifteen years ago. You just have to believe." He had looked at Leroy at this moment. The events in question had happened more than fifteen years ago, but somehow it was still fresh on their minds.

"I do, dad. I do." She believed.

"Then nothing bad can happen to you. It's Christmas Eve. I know we don't celebrate it, but maybe he does. Sometimes, the simplest gifts can do wonders." Hiram always had been for supporting other traditions and other cultures, even when they weren't following them. Christmas was no exception.

"Thanks, dad, daddy. You always know what to do or what to say to cheer me up." Rachel felt better than she had in a long time at her dad's words. Every time she had needed someone to cheer her up, he had been there. They both had.

"That's because we love you, sweetie." Leroy and Hiram said together. Love had always been an important part of their household, and they were proud if it.

They went back to other little chat, telling her about their day, and just generally talking. After dinner, they settled together on the couch, watching two musicals before going to sleep. They cuddled together under a blanket, and before they knew it, she was asleep. She woke up two hours later, kissed her dads good night and went to her room. Just before closing her eyes again, she sent a few words out and anxiously waited for an answer she hoped would come. A few minutes later, her phone vibrated. She opened it, smiled widely at the response, and set it down again. The minute after, she was sound asleep. Her broad smile had never left her face.

...

_In another part of town, a sleepy Finn had opened his eyes to the feel of a new text. Seeing the ID, he had read it, typed a short answer and gotten back to sleep. For the first time in days, a genuine little smile was showing on his features. That night, both slept well. The snow was protecting them, like it always had._


	16. Party

**What? A second piece with Rachel? Well, yes.  
It's more of a Mercedes/Kurt/Tina/Quinn/Rachel friendship moment than anything else. I don't remember if it's canon, but I have an explanation in case it's not. What, do you ask? Well, you'll just have to read, and find out.  
I'm no expert in opera. Or in music. _Carmen_ is one of the few I know. It will be back…  
Thank you again for the support!**

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Dear Alyssa,

I received a text yesterday. It was from Kurt. "_Costume party. Tomorrow. 6. My house. Volunteer hair and make-up."_

He had me thrown for a loop. After his reaction to my little (okay, big) stunt just before Sectionals, and not counting the few little nice words he had said to me then, I definitely planned on spending New Year's Eve with my dads, just like I did almost every year. So, I wanted to be sure.

"_Me too, Kurt? I'd be honored, but you don't like me."_ In all honesty, like every time.

His answer was almost spontaneous. "_Yes, Rachel. You too. It's New Year's Eve. Plus you saved the day at Sectionals. You in_?" Like I said, I felt honored. "_Yes. I'm in_."

He sent me a last text. _"Dress code: be someone you're not, be someone you're most._"

Trust Kurt to one, have a dress code at a costume party, and two, be cryptic about it. Now, I could add puzzled to the list of emotions I was feeling just then. I should have known he would be on every little detail, but that also makes Kurt what he is. So, it was more than okay. and I indeed was in great need of a girl's night out. After what I had done, I wasn't going to push my luck with my fellow glee-clubbers. I alone would have waited the end of Winter break before trying to get back in their good graces. I was lucky I had been invited to anything.

I knew it would be a girl's night out. Plus Kurt, but he's considering himself as an honorary girl, so it's okay. The 'costume' part made it gender-related. And the only boy I wanted to see had not come out of his cavern yet. I was still hanging on the few words he had texted me back at Christmas' Eve. Because of them, I knew he was going to be okay eventually. He just needed a little more time. I could give him that, even if I was beginning to be a bit restless about it. I planned on being by his side every chance he'd offered me. All the time was definitely too much for him right now. It still hoped for it. He'd have to set the pace. And I miss him too much to ever say no.

I spent the rest of the evening thinking about my costume, preparing it carefully. I had no room for any maneuvers here. I still stayed true to myself. _Be something you're most_. No shame in that. At all. Plus, I had a feeling it would look good on me.

…

It had taken me two hours to finally get ready. I had braided my hair and out little gold stars on it. I was wearing very light make up. And my costume wasn't much of a costume. It wasn't yellow either, as I had first planned. I didn't want to be just one star. I hadn't been the only star at Sectionals. I wasn't the only star at glee, no matter how painful that realization sometimes could be. We all were. My initial idea had me wearing a five-peak gold star outfit. It had now evolved into a floor-long strapless night blue dress with twelve gold stars on it, along with a golden shawl. I looked like… I looked different. But it was a costume party. Time to _be_ different!

I arrived at Kurt's at 6 sharp. Entering his house, I saw that Tina and Mercedes were already here. We were waiting on Santana and Brittany. So, I thought, before they corrected me. The two actual Cheerios would not be attending. Figures. They probably booked New Year's Eve in August with one of their 'cool kids' party. I was a bit nervous, but I knew it would be okay. I was glad there would be only us five. It was the last party of the year. In costume. You could be anyone you ever wanted, and then say it was last year…

All were astounding. I had not seen Kurt yet, he was downstairs with Quinn. Mercedes was a real diva, like she was about to perform Carmen or any other famous opera role. Her finely chiseled dress looked like it was out of a fairy tale. The warm tones suited her very well. Her hair was up, and she was radiating confidence and stage presence from every pore in her body. I was completely floored. Tina looked from another place. Not Hollywood, but Bollywood. I was so used to see her dress in a gothic manner, her deep purple and white sari made her look completely different. She had a flower in her hair. She reminded me the little girl she was before she started stuttering. Only this time, she wasn't a ten year old, she was fifteen and she was becoming a real woman, with all the self-certainty she had gained from being in a group like ours. Like she didn't need to always have an aggressive exterior to feel sure of herself anymore. No matter what would be of the future, I felt very proud of us at this moment.

Kurt and Quinn soon emerged from his basement. He had me thrown for a second loop. I had almost expected him dressed in some sort of extraordinary manner, eccentric to his liking. Instead, he looked like the Master of Ceremonies in his very well cut black penguin suit. I had no idea what he had reserved for us, but it had to be something special. Quinn was very simply dressed. Floor-long dresses seemed to be the order of the night, as she made no exception. Hers was white, flowing, and shimmering. She looked like an angel. She was smiling, and she looked better than when I had seen her last. It curiously warmed my heart to see her like this.

I asked her if she wanted me to leave. Or if anyone had a problem with me being there. For only response, Mercedes placed herself at Quinn's right, then grabbed Tina. I was by Quinn's other side. Kurt took a spontaneous picture. And then showed it to me. We were all smiling, happiness radiating from the room. There was no problem. Maybe it would only be for the night, but it was okay. Was that not the New Year was all about? Once a year, you get a new beginning. Maybe this was it. And I had every intention of enjoying it.

We were all chatting lightly, down in Kurt's basement when my looking at Mercedes once more gave me an idea. The evening wasn't really advanced, and already, it had been one of the best I ever had. I could see Mercedes and Quinn actually becoming somewhat friends. Not that long ago, this would not have been possible. Kurt was warming to me, and Tina seemed just happy to be here. Organic food was displayed, and we were taking a snack, talking about life, friends, and glee.

I don't know why, but I wanted to see Mercedes embrace the character she had made herself into tonight. Her rendition of _And I'm Telling You_ was still in my mind and I believed she could do this. She could interpret a song from the opera repertoire. I took advantage of a temporary silence to go on.

"Mercedes, if you had an aria to sing, you'd do it?" She was frowning, looking at me like I had two heads. She needed more convincing. "You're dressed like a real diva from the opera. You couldn't sing at Sectionals. I think you deserve to sing a song like that. You're an amazing singer. Why not get out of everyone's repertoire for one night?"

Everyone was surprised, and looking intently. I could feel them slowly turning into my side. Once again, I spoke. "Go by the dress code."

"_Be the one you're not?_"

"I was thinking the second part, actually. Tonight, you're mostly that."

"You have a specific song in mind?" She was not going to get out of this so easily. I was prepared to make this a bet or something.

"I do. Let me just get the lyrics to you." I looked around, seeing Kurt point towards his computer. I went to retrieve the lyrics, still concentrated on them.

"I'm so blaming you if it's a bust. You're the one I'll crush if you're wrong." Okay, no bet would be needed.

"Then I seriously hope I'm not. Come on, girls. Be with me on this one." I pleaded to my audience.

"Hell to the yes, Mercedes!" Tina chanted, probably remembering the way Mercedes had expressed herself a while ago. Quinn stayed silent, an encouraging smile on her face. Kurt was just smirking.

"Quinn, Tina, I'm so holding you to that!" The playfulness in her voice told me she was okay with the idea now.

"Whatever, Mercedes. I'm sure it'll be fun." Quinn said, sure of herself.

"Here. These are the lyrics." I handed her the printed page.

"Hell, girl! I don't understand a word. How do you want me to sing that?"

"I will rewrite it so that you know how it's supposed to sound. For the rest, I don't speak French." Well, that was true. Part of my training had been to learn foreign language pronunciation. I wanted to be able to sing almost everything. You don't need to understand to sing, after all. The melody speaks for itself.

"Kurt?"

"Hey, I'm having fun watching you here. I'm in this too. And I told you, you shouldn't have dressed like that." Her last defense against me had crumbled.

"I hate you."

"No, you love me."

"Okay, Rachel. Do your magic."

I tried my best, and a few minutes later, I gave her a sheet of paper. She made a face, and everyone cheered. She finally executed herself, and began to sing.

…

I had never heard _Carmen_'s _Habanera aria_ sung like that. Powerful, enthralling, amazingly good. An entirely new experience. Maybe she was not made for the opera, but I wasn't sure I could ever sing an aria like that. She was a key to our glee club, and I hoped that my reluctance to have her sing solos would disappear a bit for the rest of the year.

"Okay, Tina. Your turn. I'm sure I can find you something good and totally out of character." Mercedes was out for revenge, and we would all be her victims.

…

Mercedes had Tina sing in Hindi. Finding the pronunciation had been a little harder, but she had managed. Tina had made the same face at singing in a language she didn't know anything about, but the final result had us all clapping our hands until they were sore.

Tina, for lack of a better idea, had Quinn sing a Christmas carol. Her voice had carried the soft tunes perfectly, and the song was flowing, as light as the air. It gave the moment a very happy-it's-the-end-of-the-year-holidays feeling.

Quinn had me sing _Stairway to Heaven_. Classic rock had always been out of my repertoire, and out of my knowledge base. The eight minute song and its slow pace had me changing my mind. For my first real foray into it, I had enjoyed singing a song like that immensely.

Kurt didn't need any encouragement. I had the feeling it wasn't the only time I would hear him sing a Lady Gaga song… Had he not been dressed like the Master of Ceremonies, I could have seen in one of Gaga's very eccentric outfits in a second.

Singing what everyone wanted us to sing, we had spent a very, very good time, filled with laughter, humor and good mood. I was floored by the real music expertise displayed here. I was right, we were all stars. We all had an amazing voice.

By the time we were done, midnight had come. We all hugged each other and wished each other all the better for the New Year, before settling in front of musicals. We were like five friends, brought together by music, going through the hardships of life, and getting through it with the help of the others. It didn't matter that it had transpired on a day when we could be anyone. Even if it disappeared tomorrow, Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn, Tina and I had a real friendship in between us. One day, we would all hang out. For now, knowing I wasn't alone was all I ever needed to live. I _am_ happy.

It was six in the morning when I entered my room. I had just had one of the best nights of my life. A perfect way to start the new year. I could not wait to go to sleep, and have it etched into my memory for ever.

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**So, what do you think? I'd really like to know.**


	17. Friendship

**Hi! I'm back! With a delay so huge I hope it's as big as I will ever need. So, so sorry.****  
The story took a little vacation. A month worth. Honestly, I needed it. I wrote another story. In French. Anyway.  
I still have another companion piece after this one, and then, to the Back-9!**

**And I'll be changing the formula.  
We've had 13 episodes for three months, and now, 9 for five? Plus some are close together. That leaves huge leaps of time. So, no more 10k+ chapters. 'Cause at this rate, it's gonna be 20k+. _No way_. I'm splitting them in two. Or three. Shorter chapters, unresolved things, and less time in between updates. I feel better already.**

**Thank you for the reviews and the support!  
**

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January 3, 2010

"_Merry Christmas, Finn. (I'm sorry for the text, I just had to)"_

"_It's okay, Rachel. Happy Hanukah."_

That was the first sign I was getting better. I didn't get mad, or cried, or anything at receiving her text. I smiled. I felt it on my face, and in my heart. She had reached out because she wanted to, to wish me a happy Christmas. She had respected my wishes, and I was really glad for that. At that moment, I knew I wasn't angry at her. She had blown my world over, but she had only been the messenger. She had no part in it. All she had done was to be my friend. She would be there when I asked her to be. And well, today, I did.

I woke her up! I had woken up screaming myself, out of a nightmare with Puck and Quinn and everyone. I needed out, and at 5 in the morning, there wasn't much I could do. I've had this nightmare before, but it had never given me that lasting impression before. I felt like I had something on my chest and that my voice was keeping it down. I needed to talk, and talk, and talk. Right here, right now. I didn't even think for a minute about the time. I didn't think for a second. I instantly knew who I was going to call. I didn't think about anything. I just thought I needed out, and I needed a friend. I needed her.

I'll always remember her sleepy voice when she answered at the third ring.

"hello?" she was sleepy. That wasn't her usual response when answering the phone.

"Rachel! Wake up! Wake up!" I almost yelled in her ear. Luckily my mom had the night shift so she could spend the evening with me. I didn't have to wake anyone else in my frenzy.

"Finn?" her voice told me she was wide awake.

"Yes, Rachel. Wake up! Wake up!" I sounded like a bad disk. I had no idea what else to say.

"Finn. Finn. Calm down. Do you know what time it is?" Ugh…

"No. no idea. Sorry." I glanced at my clock. Oops.

"It's okay. I'm glad you called me, even if it is a bit too early, even for me. What can I do for you?"

"Come. Here. I want you to make snow mans with me." That seemed a really good reason, at the time. No doubt my brain was still asleep.

"Okay. I'm up. I'll be there as soon as I can." Her voice had returned to normal. I could hear noise behind, like she was hurrying.

"See you in a few." She hung up, leaving me feeling weird. She didn't question my motives. She didn't say no, even with the early hours. I felt like I had woken up from a permanent nightmare. She was coming. It felt strange. I called her the minute I had enough brains to find my phone again, and she was coming. No questions asked. That wasn't like the competitive Rachel Berry. That was more like the friend who was always there for me. I didn't think she would be anymore. It had been 13 days and the only news I had given the outside world was this text I had sent her. I thought she was going to be mad. Or something. But no, not the least. But again, the day was still very young.

…

I went up, almost jumping off by bed, and landed on the floor with a big noise. I got dressed, using my old ski outfit. It was a bit stretched for me, but I wanted to get out in the snow. It had to do. I didn't eat. I wasn't hungry. 14 days of not being hungry. My stomach, when it woke up, was going to get a revenge on me.

I jumped downstairs, for real this time, and almost hurt myself real bad when I landed a few stairs down each time. That was very dangerous, but at the time, nothing went red in my brain. No alarm on crazy-shit-things. No voice telling me to 'stop-you-fucking-dumb-ass'. Nothing. It was _off_.

I ran to my door, and opened it. The darkness outside hit me in the face. It finally hit me. Five in the morning. Five in the morning? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm never up at this crazy hour. Or, if I am, I never went to bed. I didn't woke up! Am I that fucked-up? No shit.

I was there, anyway. So, better just go on with what I wanted to do. I needed light, and flipped open the porch light. It wasn't enough, but all I got. I went into the back yard, excited like a little boy going out in the snow for the first time in his life. I was sixteen, damn it. Not the first time I ever went out! Not the first snowman I wanted to build, either. The first time I wanted it so bad, though. I thought of nothing else. Nothing else.

I was busy taking snow from by front yard and bringing it back to the back yard when Rachel arrived. I didn't hear her at first. I was too focused on what I was doing. I just of kind of bumped into her, making her fall into the snow. I didn't look at her. I didn't greet her.

"Last year, I build 15 little, but now it's time to big a big one." I just said that, and then I got cold. In my frenzy, I had forgotten to wear gloves. My fingers were freezing.

Then, I turned to her. She was smiling. She wasn't angry I had called her before the sun was up. she wasn't angry I didn't even say hello. She wasn't angry I had made her fall, butt first, into the snow. She was still sitting, and just looking at me. I felt a weak smile on my face, but I couldn't do better. I was glad she was there, though. Instead, my stomach woke up. Maybe it was its usual time. Maybe that's why I'm always hungry, or I was, when I woke up at my normal time. I bet it was surprised it was the last thing of be waking up. Hi, stomach, I missed you. And I was starving, like never before. I needed to make myself breakfast. And fast.

Silently, I held my had for her to take and get up. Which she did. Then, still holding her hand, I pulled her into my house.

I let go when I took out my coat. She was still watching me. And smiling.

She knew what I was doing the minute I went towards the kitchen. Maybe she had heard my stomach, too. It was growling, making itself known. To everyone. Anyway, she beat me to it. She didn't say a word. Just a small 'hi' when she got up. Instead, she went through every inch of the kitchen, taking out what she needed to make breakfast. My breakfast. Our breakfast. I got what she wanted to do real quick. Well, when she got the maple syrup out, there was no more mystery.

I never watched anyone cook before. Not for real. It never interested me. I don't think it really did, but she was humming show tunes. Hearing her voice always interested me. Even now. So, I sat down on a chair, and looked at her cooking. I don't know how much time. I frankly have no freakin' idea. Even _my stomach _was listening to her.

All I know is that her pancakes were really good. She had made me cookies and cakes before, but I don't remember her making me pancakes. But I know why. Pancakes are for morning, and it's the first time she made me something for breakfast. It's the first time I saw her that early in the morning. She is an early riser, but today, I had beaten her at it. I never really thought I could beat Rachel at anything… healthy, like rising early. Okay, maybe rising that early isn't healthy, but you got my point.

Her pancakes were amazing. Really amazing. With all the maple syrup I put on, you'd think I could not tell. Well, I could. I love maple syrup. And I love her pancakes. It was amazing. Am I turning into a fucking parrot? What the hell is wrong with me? I so don't want to answer that.

We didn't speak. Instead, I tried to follow her with her show tunes, then she tried to follow me with classic rock. What she knows about that is as big as what I know about show tunes. Nothing. I had great fun sort of teaching her stuff. And we ended up doing that all day. Singing, humming, show tunes, rock. Amazing. (yeah, something is definitely _wrong_ with me)

After breakfast, when my empty stomach was finally full (after two weeks of being asleep, I could have eaten a bear), I got back outside. She followed me, again. This time, I didn't make a gesture. I didn't held her hand. She just followed. The daylight was peaking outside, so I didn't get the porch light on again. It was going to be enough light soon. I looked at the sky, and saw the clouds. Well, maybe it would snow again. That could work...

Then, we went back to work. Sort of.

By noon, it wasn't even the size of a quarter. Snow had fallen, hard, all morning. From the moment we went out, to, well, sometime around noon. Or one-ish. I don't know. We had spend all morning going in the front yard to bring the snow back to where I wanted to build it. Then, we got the snow out of the sidewalk. And everything we could get out of my neighbor's yards. We were almost done, when I got hit by a snowball square in my face. I got it out, then looked at her, she was laughing out loud. I retaliated, big time.

We began a full on war. All I can say... She knows how to make snowballs. She can aim. She has an arm, too. That's just not me. I have to remember that. She can throw things almost as good as me. Did they teach her to do it in her dance lessons? Nobody won. I didn't go for the killing. She didn't go fir the killing. It was just, well, her and me, playing with the snow. When I went closer to her to crush a snowball right onto her head, she made a movement that had us both falling into the snow. I almost landed on top of her. It's a good thing the arm that went on the ground first slipped, landing me by her side. She's tiny, I don't want to crush her, too.

We were laughing out loud. It was a very good day. The best I had in a very, very long time. More than two weeks. More like, two months.

I took one more look at her, and I realized she wasn't laughing anymore. She seemed worried, like she wanted to say something. She was hesitating, like I would have bolted if she did. Well, maybe, but I know she really wanted to say… it. Something. she didn't speak all morning, that's some kind of a record.

I smiled back at her, showing it was okay, and she spoke, very slowly.

"Why today, Finn?" Well, it's my birthday. And something always happens on my birthday. I get older. And I know it. it's really, really special to me. I didn't say that, though.

"Because." I sopped, and looked at her. Even I knew it wasn't enough. "I can't go on like this, Rachel. I have to try and move on, but I don't know how long it's going to take."

Why didn't I tell her I was sixteen today? Because I didn't want her to be with me. I wanted to spend it with my mom. Like every time. Plus, I knew she would make it special for me. That was why she wasn't back from work yet. I needed her so much. So much was still wrong in my life… and well, what I had said instead was true. I don't know how long it's going to take. I know I have to move on. To something else. I don't know what. Something else.

Singing was very, very good for me. I wasn't back at glee, don't get me wrong, but I didn't sing at all these past two weeks, and I had missed it. The minute I started singing, something went better in my chest. Like an ounce of bad thing being lifted. Not much, but better than nothing. Better than anything.

One glance at Rachel took me out of my daydream.

"It's okay, Finn. I'm here of you need me." I know that. I know. I know. That. Well, I do. And it just hit me. She didn't lie to me. She was the messenger. _Don't kill the messenger, _they always say. I didn't kill the messenger, but I wasn't nice either. She can help me, I think. I remember when she told me… she didn't want to. I know that too. She didn't want to tell me. But she did it. Because I'm her best friend. I'm her best friend. That… is news. Okay, so not, but I had forgotten. She is there, for me, because she is my best friend and she cares for me.

I think one other ounce went off my chest.

"Thanks, Rachel." I smiled, a little bit more this time. "Now, you wanna help me with it?" And we were back at my -our- snowman. And to singing.

We were almost finished by the time my mom got home. It was five in the afternoon, and the sun was almost set. Rachel said hello, and I went to give her a kiss. Rachel and I hadn't said another word all afternoon. I knew it was still a bit too early. I needed to see things better, more clearly. Maybe, next time. Maybe, I could call her, just to talk. Yeah, I will do that. I already know how to wake her up. Oh, I shouldn't think that. Waking her up just because… well, she said she would be there, right? She didn't say it was good only from nine to five, or anything. So… if I say sorry? I don't really care. If I need a friend, I will call her. She's my only friend right now.

When we were done, we admired our work, standing side by side. We had done great. It wasn't as high as me, but it was high enough. With everything it needed. A carrot for a nose, wood for the arms, little stones for its smiling face and eyes. My dark blue scarf around its neck, and my dad's old hat. I wanted to put it there. I hope it's no offense, dad. It's just that I had a great time doing it, and I wanted to have something of you on it. I missed you so much, you know. I could use fatherly advices. Then, maybe all of it wouldn't have happened. But it's okay. I'm not mad. I just miss you.

I never saw you. You never saw me. that's why I miss the little kid so much. I know you loved me, and you never saw me. there was no DVD, my mom told me. just a picture you had, she told me. I love her, and she's not mine. I saw her move. It's really hard, dad. Really hard. But I know it's gonna be okay. I don't know how much time it's gonna take, but I know it will be okay. because mom told me. because Rachel told me. because, in my dream, I know you told me. because I hope so. It's the future. It has to be better. It will be better. I don't feel so alone anymore. Mom is home,, and she prepared something extra special for me, I just know it. Rachel's here, and she's going home soon. There's only two, but it's all I need. Family, you too, and my friend. my only friend.

I hugged her just before she left. I didn't say anything, and she returned the hug. She's my only friend, and I know she knows it. I know she knows I will weed her, soon. She smells so good, I had forgotten that, too. I just held on a little tight for a second, before letting go. She did the same, and then saluted me with her hand, and left for her own home.

I stayed out a bit, thinking about mom. She had taken another shift, just so she could spend time with me this evening, and maybe even tomorrow. I really have the best mom. She didn't get mad when I told her the kid wasn't mine. She was glad, I think. But I also think she saw my face, and she didn't say anything. She didn't yell at Quinn when she moved out. She just helped. I would have, too, if I seeing Quinn had been an option then. She heard me cry, I think. But she didn't say anything about it when I didn't either. I know she was worried. But she made the best mom. she didn't make me feel guilty about it. She's just waiting for me to come to her. No pressure. I know she's ready, for anything I have to tell her. She's ready to hold me, to understand, to reassure and soothe me. I'm so much bigger than her, but I'm just her little boy, still crying because my friends lied to me.

Just before going home, to mom, I said some words to the wind. To Rachel. "I'm so glad you were there, my friend."

I never realized _how_ important it was. Family, friend. They can help you go through anything.

I can't wait to get better.

See you soon, dad.

I miss you.

Your sixteen year old son, Finn.


	18. Blur

**This is mostly a little piece of fluff, the calm before the _Hell-O_ storm. Which should be out next Monday. I'll do my best to stick to two updates a week. I can't believe how good it is to be back on that story. When I started this chapter, I couldn't stop myself. Here, well, I'm not going to spoil my piece, for once. I hope you'll like it. Really.  
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**Big, big thanks for the support and the reviews! If you'd leave one at the end, I'd be honored.**

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The night after she came to my home, I started calling her. The first time went more or less like this.

"Rachel." I had the same big voice than the day before.

"Finn?" She sounded sleepy. Well, it was late. Or early.

"Yeah. Do you think I'm stupid?" I was almost afraid of what she was going to answer back. I really didn't want her to think I was an idiot. She never did, before.

"No, I don't. I think you're trusting." I think I let out a whisper. I was relieved. I could have fallen, if I wasn't already still lying in my bed.

"Okay. thanks. Sleep tight." I said, with my nice, low voice. I was smiling, maybe she heard it. She's amazing…

And I hang up. She had answered after the fourth ring, being, well, 2 in the morning and everything. At least I was really thinking when I wished her good night, again. Just _after_ I had woken her up…

…

Finn had woken me up for the third night in a row. I was blessed school hadn't started again. Otherwise, I would have been very tired at school. And being tired is greatly deficient for the learning process. But at least he was talking to me. And he let me sleep during the day. I had never slept after nine in my entire life. Well, this morning, I did. But again, every time Finn called, the duration of his calls increased exponentially. From the few seconds of the first one, we were now talking a full half hour. More like I was listening to him talking, almost as quickly as me, and then he asked me what I thought, and I answered, always truthfully. If he didn't understand, I would make him understand, and I would waste no effort being sure it was clear. It's so important to me. He's so important to me.

It's a good thing my room is partially soundproof. My dads would have been mad by now, if they had to be awoken every night by my phone. But, at least I did something good last night. For both of us. I made him agree to talk to me during the day, and the evening, simply by spending time with me Friday night and Saturday afternoon. Actually, I invited him to dinner with my family on Friday night and to a surprise on Saturday. He tried to make me tell him what the surprise was, but I didn't flinch. I just said he would like it.

Well, I surely hope so. I'm so happy he's talking to me. Even if he's not talking to anyone else, except his mom. I can understand that. But if I want him back to Glee, I'm going to have to help him get passed what everyone did. Everyone, but Quinn and Puck. I loved having him as my co-captain, and Glee really needs him. I hope I will be able to convince him. He still loves to sing, he told me so himself. Plus, well, I saw it last Sunday. I don't see how this could not be a win-win. I already got my best friend back, now I'd like my male lead, and co-captain of Glee, back, too. I'm too needy? Well, they don't call me drama queen for nothing. Plus, I always get what I want. I hope Finn Hudson will not be the exception to the rule.

…

On Friday afternoon, I called her. With… some bad news.

She picked up after the third ring. That's a good thing. I didn't want to leave a message on her voice mail. "Rachel?"

"Yes, Finn?" I could hear the smile in her voice. She was glad to hear me. And I was glad not to call her in the middle of the night, like I had been doing lately.

"I can't be there tonight." The little noise in the background stopped.

"Wh… why?" I know she was disappointed, and I was sorry for that.

"It's my mom. She's not sick or anything, but she's very sad, and I don't feel like I can leave her alone." Well, that is true, but it wasn't the only reason. The other reason, I _didn't_ want to tell her.

"Oh. May I ask…" I cut her off because I knew what she wanted to ask me.

"Why she's sad?"

"Yes, Finn." She had paused again before answering.

"Well, if I still had two parents, today would have been their twentieth anniversary." I was very quiet, but I know she heard me. She was always paying attention to me. That's why I told her something that I never told anyone else. She made me feel important.

"But, when you called me Wednesday night, you said that you could be there. Did you lie to me then?" She was afraid I _lied_ to her?

"No, Rachel. No." I could never lie to her. She never lied to me. "She always tells me to go out, and see friends, and not stop my life because she's sad one day or two days every year. But it's different this time. She told me this afternoon that she met him on this day, she started going out with him exactly one year after, and well, they got married one year after that, too. Today is really important to her." I almost told her about Halloween, but I stopped myself before I could. "It's really hard, and she really helped me lately, so I feel like I have to take care of her tonight. She took care of me for sixteen years so it's my turn to take care of her for one night." I was very calm when I told her everything, and she was listening.

"I understand, Finn. I'm a little disappointed, but I understand. I hope she will be alright. Can you still come tomorrow?" She had pride in her voice, and I felt really good.

"Yes, I can. She will be at work, and I know she's strong, so she will be okay anyway." I think I was reassuring myself more.

"Okay, Finn. See you tomorrow, then. Take care." Her voice was soft, as she said goodbye.

"Thank you Rachel. Take care of you, too." I was very glad to have a friend like that, and that she understood. She understood me really good. Like a best friend. She _is_ my best friend.

And I hung up.

It was a little time before I moved again.

I didn't lie to her. I didn't. But as I said, it wasn't the only reason I canceled. My mom is very low, and I was also sick this afternoon. I don't know why. I didn't eat anything funny, and I was actually glad to be going to her house. Even if it was to meet her dads. I was a little nervous about that. But then, I got sick. I got a funny fuzzy feeling in my stomach, and it wouldn't go away. I tried everything, but it didn't go away. It only went stronger. So strong, that it made me puke.

I tried to do anything to make it better, so maybe something I did helped that. It still made me puke. And I hate that. I hate that the funny feeling in my stomach, which isn't that bad at all, made me be sick. It's so _not_ cool. I mean, it felt like, I don't know, my stomach was lurching, but in a good way. It was there when I was excited, and it didn't left. Until, until I canceled. I felt _relief_ go through me. For real. I didn't get sick anymore. I just felt better. Well, better I don't know, I just didn't want to puke anymore.

So, yeah. I felt better. But if I felt better when I cancel on Rachel, then it tells me that something, somewhere, is wrong. I really don't know what. I like being with her, she's a really good friend, always patient and listening to me, telling me I'm no idiot or anything I was told before. But it can't be good if saying no to her this time felt better than saying yes the day before. I hope it's not going to happen again. I really do.

But I had other things on my mind. I had to take care of mom. And she's family, so she comes first. She's been all sad all day, and it's hard for me. I know it's not my fault or anything, it's the war that is wrong. I wish you were still here, so that she could spend today with you, like she told me you did every year. Well, not for that many years, but every year. You always found a way to be with her on the eighth of January. It's amazing.

I hope someday I will spend a day like that with someone I love. The same day, every year, when it will just be us. No matter what, no matter where. I really do. But for now, I have to be here for mom, help her go through the evening, and hold her, and console her, and tell her I love her and she's the best mom there is. She held me on my birthday, and I really felt like her little boy. It's time her little boy shows her he can take care of her, too. Mom's so important to me. I wish she could be happy, just like that. But now that you're not there anymore, I don't know if she can. She must really have loved you, dad. I do, too.

That night, I didn't call her. That night, I was at _peace_ with the world.

…

_The temperature was rising, the sun was shining, all good in the world, and we lived happily ever after. The end._

Stop. Stop. There. It didn't went that good. It went fine, but not that good. I wish… gosh, I so wish…

_Temperature rising?_ Well, not that much. But you can't expect too much from an early January day. I think we barely passed 35 at the best time of day. Other than that, the snow's still there, so I know it's cold, but not that cold. And I can feel it, too. So, yeah. I think 32, maybe even 35ish when we arrived. Probably more like a 25-28ish when we left. Well, we did stay out for quite some time, yes. Plus, the sun really was shining.

So, _sun shining?_ Totally! Not a cloud in the sky. Blue all over the horizon, no matter where you looked. I could have believed we were in summer if it weren't for the freezing cold. But I wasn't cold. At first, sure. But then, the far away sun trying to heat off the soil and our little piece of heaven, and my companion beside me succeeded in warming me up. I would have opened my coat if the little mist coming out of my mouth didn't tell me it _was_ cold outside…

_All was good in the world?_ In my world, all was for the better. I had been disappointed, really disappointed when he had told me he couldn't make it yesterday, but today erased all hard feelings I could still have held against him. I mean, I did understand, and I would never have asked of him to actually abandon his mom at her time of need. He would never have forgiven me for that. And, frankly, I don't think I would have forgiven myself. I would never abandon my dads if they really needed me, so how can I expect it from anyone else? So, for today, I was more than ecstatic. I was… frantic. And more. The butterflies in my stomach jumping all over the place. Uncontrollable joy. Renewed _joie de vivre_. How can I say more?

You're gonna think I'm crazy. Well, I am. Just because I didn't abuse the fragile relationship we have doesn't mean I don't feel the same way about him. I've felt like that in a long, long time. And I can't wait for the moment we are ready to announce ourselves as the ruling couple of Glee. I would love to rule over the entire school… actually, that is as wrong as any statement could ever be. I find no enticement in ruling everyone else. I don't want to be respected for those obscure and archaic rules of popularity and power that seem to sill rule any and every high school in the country. I want to be respected for my talent. Therefore, announcing my relationship with fin would only reinforce our positions as co-captains. I honestly ask no more.

Relationship, you're going to say to me. Well, the details are fuzzy, but as tonight, I can honestly say this is one we're in. It's more than friendship. We didn't kiss tonight, even if it went close. What we did was more mature, more advanced. Just being together like any old couple would do, being the desperately _in love_ type, just enjoying each other in the simplest manner. I mean, I took him to the football field, where I had prepared a cake, his favorite brand of candy, and refreshments for our afternoon snack. Nothing more. But I had been very careful in my planning, I wanted us to see the sunset if we were lucky enough to stay until then, and at the same time be sheltered as much as possible from the elements. I didn't have to worry about said elements in the end, but the location _was_ perfect.

We arrived on the filed around 3:30, when the sun was supposed to set around 5. It left a lot of time, but it was the entire sunset, sitting beside my gorgeous friend, that I wanted to experience. He was very nice, maybe feeling a bit guilty about yesterday. He even tried to apologize, but I told him it was no use, I didn't need his apology. _He_ was all I wanted. So, I just told him that I was really happy that he was here today, and that I hoped he was going to enjoy it.

I showed him a seat, and he took it, without ever asking any question. I think he was just happy, as was I, to be there, with me. He was smiling the whole time. I was radiant with joy. I had never forgotten the strong feelings I held for him since… well, to me it seems to be forever. I just had toned them down, definitely not willing to scare him away. I didn't let them explode on the surface, I just allowed myself to enjoy the evening like a girl would enjoy a _real_ date with the boy she has a crush on. Even if you very well know, my dear friend, that what I feel for Finn Hudson goes above and beyond the simple crush. It's love, pure and unaltered. I'm _in love_…

We were just sitting, in an almost right angle, my legs resting on the bench as he was just sitting like anyone watching a game would. Our chests turned to face the west, my back leaning on him, my shoulder blade resting on the right side of his chest and shoulder. His right arm was securely tucked around my waist. I made no move to remove it, and he didn't retract when I put my hand on his. He didn't freeze when I first leaned on him. He didn't move, or say I was doing too much. He just shifted, finding himself in the position we were currently in. I didn't make another move. I didn't try to kiss him. I would have loved to, but the memory of our last kiss in the auditorium came back in my mind, and it was during one of those times, of simple friendship laced with deeper feelings, that I cherished the most. I didn't want to ruin the moment by going too fast, or change anything in what we were doing. We stayed that way, immobile, just looking at the sky from our high seats, enjoying the way we sat together in silence. I could feel his broad shoulder in my back, and to me, it only felt comfy, like I had never been best seated in all my life. I didn't ask for anything else, letting the little gestures speak volumes. To us. To me.

When the sun disappeared, I was the one to break the moment and move, looking at him, seeing something in his eyes I had never really seen, or let myself notice, before. As much as everyone in Glee knew I had views on my male lead, at this moment I felt like he reciprocated them, and wasn't ashamed of it. I had seen a resembling look before, intertwined with our second auditorium kiss, and, I believe, furtively appearing for a split second the night he took me bowling. At the time, he had had responsibilities, obligations, but they were over, now. I understood he still needed time, but he also needed support. School was starting again, and he would have to live in with the lies shoved in his face every single day. I could be there to soften the blows, and I would be there, every single day.

He was smiling at me, and took my hand in his, going down the stairs, my packed basked where I had previously put back everything I had needed for our snack hanging on my arm. He offered to take it, but I said it was okay. He drove us back home, never letting go of my hand. He was smiling, looking at me with tenderness in his eyes. It was like we had evolved to another level, and we hadn't needed to say a word. It was the connection I always knew we had. A magical world, just for him and me.

He brought me back home, walking me to my door, and kissing me on the cheek. I had made, once again, no attempt to have him kiss me on the lips. Our last kiss was again burned in my brain, and it was enough to keep me going. What had happened this afternoon had been sufficient in restoring my faith in his feelings for me, and in the fact that we were destined to be together. I didn't want to think about school, or about anything. He went away, looking at me one last time before going back into his truck. Our previous minimal conversation had been very friendly, very much the same we used to have on our trips to Dayton. After that, we hadn't uttered a word for an hour and a half.

It was the perfect ending to a perfect day, one I would always regard as our perfect _first_ date. He knew I felt something for him, and I knew he reciprocated. Life was never going to be better than that.

…

As I was, later on, thinking again about our afternoon, I knew he was going to call me tonight. He wasn't going to talk about what had just happened, or the underlying feelings that had transpired. He was going to talk about what was currently going on in his life, and tonight, I would be even more eager to listen, to help him. I felt connected to him on another level entirely, knowing that he felt more than friendship was enough for me, for now. I knew I would sleep fine, and happy, and be rested in the morning, no matter when or how long he called.

…

Today was one of the best afternoons of my life. Rachel had prepared the best cake, to go with the best afternoon. She wanted to see the _sunset_, with me. When I felt her lean on me, a wonderful feeling came over me. I don't know what it was, but I didn't want to feel anything else. She seemed so perfect, my arm around her, her hand over mine. My face was the mirror of what was going inside of me, and I felt completely relaxed for the first time in forever. She didn't expect me to do anything more than what I wanted, and I didn't want to move. We just watched the sunset from the high bleachers on the field, and I didn't want it to _end_.

When she looked at me, I'm sure she saw I felt more for her than I ever imagined. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not what I felt for Quinn. It's way, way better. So I took her hand, wanting to feel hers in mine. I drove us home, and keeping her hand in mine caused me a few problems, I didn't care. I kissed her cheek, and turned back to my truck. I went home, and told mom what I had done this afternoon. She was very happy for me. She likes Rachel, because she helps me, and she's my real friend. But, as I lay on my bed, I also know I'm not ready to date anyone. It's too soon. I wish I could tell Rachel, because I felt really good with her, but it's too soon. It's too soon. And I'm a bit afraid she's going to be too much to handle right now. Gosh, I wish I knew what to do.


	19. Hell O

**_Hell-O. _Its first part, anyway. I don't really like the episode, but where this went, yes. I hope you do to. Loved writing it. Their points of view are very different, and you know it's only the beginning…**

**Next time, Jesse will make his first appearance. I know I'm only excited because of a few things I'll write in the future. Until then, if you'd leave a little note at the end, I'd be honored. Thanks, again, for all the support and reviews!**

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(Finn)

_She's really, really being way too pushy._

Gosh, dad, I should have known she would react like that. I don't regret coming back to glee. I love glee, and I know I will be friends with almost anyone in the future. What I really, really don't like is that new 'power couple' thing. come on, it's glee! no power at all. just nerds trying to live with it. and they all thought life was going to be easier? Well, I did too, but I still am on two sports team, and captain, so I never had a really hard life. Except… but I so don't want to be there.

So now, the only thing she got is me. I'm the only one who can protect her, or something. it's not that I don't want to, it's just that it's too much. Sometimes, it is anyway. I still really, really like her. And she's still very nice with me. But when she saw last week that our winning sectionals didn't do any good for our status, she turned to me. And me only.

I can't handle her all the time. She wants to see me every day after school, after practice if I have one. After practice, I smell, I'm tired, and I only want to relax. Play video games. Do stuff. And she doesn't know how to relax. Rachel never relaxes. She's already talking to me about Regionals, and I zone out because it's too soon. It's January, and Regionals are in May. We have time. I tell her that, but she doesn't listen.

So, I don't try. Or yes, I do. I still call her in the middle of the night, hoping she will be too tired to ask me to go somewhere after school. That never works. I don't know why. I'm always tired. And I'm still making nightmares. I see the class, laughing at me. I see _them_, lying all the time, and doing stuff. That's really horrible, and it always wakes me up at night. That's when I call her. I can't calm down if she doesn't reassure me. so I do. And that works.

But then after that, she wants to see me all the time. I know we're kind of dating, but I still need time. There are things I'm not over yet. I will never be friends with _them_ again, but that's okay. I still need a little time to forgive the others in glee, but I know I'm almost done. I understand why they did it. I don't know if I can trust them, but I understand. So maybe one day I will trust them. I hope, because they were my friends, and the only the kids in glee didn't laugh at me at school.

I don't know how basketball is gonna go, but it can't be worse than football. Azimio and Karofsky are not in the team. That is good.

Anyway. It all comes to nothing with Rachel. Because I never try to remember when she wants to meet me, or what she wants to do. I remembered once, because she was already with me, so I didn't have an excuse or anything. But the rest of the time, I don't. I don't try to forget, I just don't pay attention. And I think she knows it. That's why she's being way too pushy right now. I just need a little time…

The first time I didn't go to one of our dates, I actually had a very good excuse. Not the one I told her, because I didn't want her to come and nurse me, but still, a very good excuse. Well, I got better minutes after I told her I couldn't be there, but I didn't tell her that, either. It was too weird. Today, I don't feel bad anymore.

I so don't.

…

She was acting crazy. More than her normal crazy.

She showed up at my game, with a blue shirt with 'Team Finn' in bold black letter on it. The sort of blue that everyone can see! And she was telling some dude that I was her boyfriend. Come on! You don't show up dressed like that! If she was a cheerio, then maybe. But a Cheerio never does stuff as ridiculous as that! never. I was so embarrassed she was there that we lost our game. I'm pretty good at basketball usually. We win a few games a year. And, well, I was off my game. And not only in basketball.

I missed another date. And she gave me a calendar. A fucking cats calendar. I wanted to burn the crazy shit in the middle of the hallway. I hate cats. I'm not really allergic, I just don't like them. Mom is allergic. And they just have cat hair, and it goes everywhere. And who gives a rat's ass to what a pink cat's calendar has on? i never opened it, not once. I didn't burn it, because I want to remember that crazy shit, and never have one again. And I forgot even more dates. Like the one tonight.

And then, there's Quinn. Gosh, dad, I hate her. I do. But I'm not ever her either. How can that be? How can I not be over someone I hate? I don't know, but I was watching her and I saw she was watching me and I just… it's like I didn't want it to be over. I didn't want her to have cheated on me. Never. I can't think about that, but it's always in my head. I want to be over her. There is no way I can forgive what she did. But I'm not. And I hurt. It hurts to feel this way. Not over an ex, and smothered by my supposed girlfriend.

Yeah, because I never told her we were dating. I think she believed it because of the sunset we watched together, but I don't feel like I'm her boyfriend. Not all the time anyway. I'm not ready to have that responsibility. Being a boyfriend is a lot of work. A lot of work. I just got off my last load, why jump back in now? I need a vacation from all this boyfriend thing. I do.

…

When Mr. Shue talked to us about our assignment, I was there, but thinking about everything else. I was in glee, but so many things in my head I didn't hear a thing he said. Until Rachel spoke about her bra. And that she had a stain on it. a stain? On her bra? I know she got boobs, now that she thinks we're dating I'm like looking at them even more than before. And she doesn't say anything. I wish I could touch them. But it's too soon. Even I know that. We haven't even kissed yet. She didn't try. And I'm not ready to kiss her again. So she woke me up from my daydream. I fell back into it really quick. And I am lucky I could pretend to be happy. Because I am not. There are too many wring things in my head. I can't be happy.

So after that, I went to him. Exactly like I had done before, with…

Well. Like I had done before.

And he made it all so clear.

I was feeling so, so bad after that fiasco, and I hate to hate people. I wanted to be okay with it, and I could not. Until he told me how to do it. I have to find the guy inside me that can more on. From the fiasco, from Quinn. From everything.

So, after he told me it was all about me, and not about Rachel or anyone else, I did it. I found myself. I sang _Hello, I love you_, by the Doors, like he said I was a rock star.

I was thinking about Quinn, and how I can't get over her. I was thinking about Rachel, and how she thought we were dating when I don't really feel like it. It gave me that freedom back. The one that had been lost with the beginning of the fiasco. I was living again. I was free again.

And I sure didn't want to have any new responsibility right now.

…

Rachel made me feel trapped. Like in a cage. I know she has feelings for me, I know she is proud of me, I know she wants to help. But right now I am feeling so, so good I can't be with her. I can't be trapped into her cage. I can't be trapped into a shitty geek status when I was a king before. I want that power back. I was interesting to a Cheerio again. I want that freedom to never go away.

And I made that freedom never go away.

…

Santana and Brittany were interested in me again. They wanted me to go out with them. The two of them. I could be one of the popular kids again. I want that so much. Being popular is like being free. You can do what you want, and no one says a thing.

So, when Rachel asked me what my dates for the night wanted, I lied to her. And I know she was lying.

And when she made her speech, that I listened to, for once, I realized I could not go on like that anymore. I could not date her. I had more interesting, more popular girls coming after me again. And she thought we were dating. I did not. I did not. She's my best friend, but I can't be more to her right now.

So, I did the only thing I could do. The only thing she asked of me. I was honest with her.

_I broke up with her._

…

So tonight, after a full day, I'm going on a date with two Cheerios. With the Head Cheerio, and her lieutenant. Santana Lopez and Brittany. I don't know her last name. and I think she forgot it, too.

Wish me luck, dad.

* * *

(Rachel)

...

_I wish I didn't love him anymore. But that's my luck. I've been in love with him since September took me weeks to realize it. And now... he broke my heart. One more time._

…

It all started last week…

When I believed, when we all believed that winning Sectionals would change our lives at school. I felt so good that morning, when I entered school grounds after our Holiday break. Not a care in the world, an outfit chosen especially for the occasion, and a sense of self-worth that I had never felt within school property. The melody of Raining on my parade was playing in my head. For once, everyone at glee thought we weren't going to be losers anymore. I still recall Mercedes, in pink and yellow, not caring about being noticed anymore. Kurt, with his happy face, was wearing an expensive coat. One he would have never wore out before. The kind that could be ruined by his being dumped in the trash. Well, there was no more fear, no more reluctance, nothing. We were here, proud, the new kings of the school. We were gonna rule the school.

Until three cold blueberry slushies ruled for us. I think all our hopes crushed at that moment. Nothing would ever change our status. We would never be anything more than losers. And the ones not involved in any other cool activity –Kurt, Mercedes, Tina, Artie and me– were going to stay the same losers, maybe even worse, punished for our desire to be respected. The things were going to be a little better for the jocks and the cheerleaders. Our win can only be good for them, for any trouble they ever received upon joining glee. They weren't going to be slushed every day, like we were going to be for the next two years and a half. Maybe, for some, the slushing will stop. They can be happy. They didn't need this victory as much as we did. In the end, it only made things worse for us. And better for them.

But I will continue to sing, like everyone else. We proved something, winning that trophy, and no one can take it from our hands now. My only wish is that we encounter the same victory in May, for Regionals. We have a very serious competition, but I think we can handle it. I really do. And right now, it is the only thing I think about. The only think I can think about. Everything else just reminds me how it just went straight from bliss, to nightmare.

…

Aside from our will to fight, I had a special advantage upon all my nerd friends. A boyfriend.

I actually think he unconsciously protected me that last week, because I never got slushied more than once a day. And I saw every other real geek on glee being slushied twice in one day. Someone different, every day.

Monday, Kurt's coat took two blueberry showers. Tuesday, Tina tasted two different flavors. Wednesday, Artie had the same treatment, all at once. Thursday, Mercedes' bright colors were added brown and green. I was waiting mine on Friday, and it never came. It never came. And I really believe than it is the influence of Finn that saved my outfit the second time. I can't help but think that. Which made me act like I usually do. And what, in the end, would also cause my loss. I was more dependent on him, and I showed him that. Today, I can only see how wrong I had been. How crazy it had been to act in this manner, after I promised myself not even two weeks before that I was going to be a friend. I broke my heart. He broke my heart. After that beautiful day in the bleachers, I wanted to try. My heart took over, like it often does. In the end, it only led me to my ruin. He broke my heart. Again.

…

I did everything in my power to prove that I was happy to be with him.

When he missed our second date, I didn't take it personally. Finn has a memory a little like Brittany. He forgets easily, and it was my duty, as his girlfriend, to help him with that. So, instead of being mad at him, I spend part of our night making a date calendar for him. Then I thought he would get embarrassed if I didn't make one for myself as well, so I just printed it twice, simply replacing the name on it. I loved that calendar; there were cats, very tender, and our heads imprinted on their little furry ones. I had everything planned, if not printed, for the next two months. And I explained it to him very carefully, even if my excitation at just being with him made me talk as fast as I usually do. For all the good that it made. He still forgot our dates, but one.

When he was playing, I had a specially designed shirt to show everyone how proud I was to have the team captain as my boyfriend. I tend to forget that there isn't just glee in his life, and I wanted to show him that I was proud of everything I was doing. And I think it worked, because he was frequently looking at me, seeing that I was still as supportive as ever. I still wanted him to play instead of looking at me, but I guess it flattered me too much to really care. I never loved basketball, I watched because he was there. Well, I don't have to watch now.

On another business, Mr. Shue told me Ms. Sylvester was reinstated. And that we were going to have less time in the auditorium because the cheerios' practice couldn't happen on the outside anymore. So now, not only did our victory make things better for the popular kids in glee, now we have to share our sanctuary with the cheerleaders?

…

At least last week's assignment made it better. Last week, and this week. Anyway.

The morale was low, because I think everyone had realized that we weren't going to rule the school anytime soon. And I think the privileged in our group just didn't say anything. But Mr. Shue tried to make us feel better. Not much had changed, but he still tried. I didn't know what to do to think him for that. I was just thinking, then, to what the last slushy had done to my pride and ego. And I think I woke up the guys, particularly Finn, when I said my bra was stained. Well, it was true. It's still true today. My bra is stained, but I feel like it's with my blood.

Anyway, the assignment was perfect. Really. Just what we needed to be cack on track. At least, I am. He said we needed a new hello, and I was back. The old Rachel, music and musicals junkie, as powerful as ever, captain of glee. if my life got worse outside of glee, I could feel I had earned respect from everyone because of our won at Sectionals. So, I was ready to help everyone in their quest for a new number with 'hello' in the title. I was back! Today, I'm still back. And I have yet to fulfill my part of the assignment. So I will have to see tonight about a song with 'hello' in the title. I have no idea how I am going to manage a song like that, but I will. I will. I will keep going, and I will carry our team to Regionals, and then I will see who rules, not the school, but glee.

…

When I think that, had I not asked any honesty from him, he would have not told me anything…

I would still have a boyfriend. Tell me, Al, how pathetic is that?

He always breaks my heart, thinking about himself first. Never counting how I might feel about him. It's always him, then the others, then me. it hurts so much I want to just skip glee and go home and never come back to school again.

He never understood that I love him for who he is, and not that stupid he tries to project to the outside world. I never understood that he never saw more in me than this little spoiled brat who can only be a drama queen and make a fool of herself. He never saw what was under the surface. He never took the time to look. And I always end up on the wrong side of the line. I always end up getting hurt, wanting to cry every tear in my body.

But I can't. I refuse to be humiliated once more. I will never stop feeling too much for him, but all I hope right now, is for me to find someone willing to look under the surface. And if singing about what I feel at the moment has the smallest chance of making this any easier, then I will not skip glee. I am going to march in there, my head as up as I can muster, and I will song. Because I refuse to be destroyed by my broken heart. I refused to be broken by this school's stupid rules, and his lame excuses.

Singing always was part of my life. It always brought me new things. So, be with me, Al. I have to get to glee after writing all this, and I don't think Mr. Shue is going to appreciate my choice. But at this very moment, I can't seem to be concerned. All I want to do is feel better. And if I have to be murderous about it, then let it be.

_Let it be._


	20. to the

**I need to finish the story. I had planned for the end of February, and if I keep going at the rate I'm going now, it's never gonna happen. So, since I can't stick to a loose schedule, I decided to speed it up. Which means that I'm gonna write a chapter every other day, or at least I'm gona try.**

**I know why comint back to this can be a pain in the a**. I hate to have t cling to every little detail. It's a diary, from two different people. Never so rational. I had forgotten that. But I absolutely love to write it.  
**

**Yeah, for the twentieth chapter I think I have to say it again. I don't own anything, I just borrow for entertainment. There.**

**Thanks for all the support and reviews! If you could leave one at the end of this _(sorry)_ short chapter, I'd be honored.  
**

* * *

_(Finn)_

In the beginning, everything was _good_.

I didn't really feel any pain after breaking up with her. I didn't really think about that Hell song she sang in front of _everyone_. I didn't need to think about it. It was over, and I knew she wasn't okay with it. I was. I was popular again. I had more important people to please. Like the Cheerios, and my team. For my team, it was really easy. After breaking up with her, I was back in my game. And they never really got any time to complain, since I never put her over them, or anything. Only _he_ can say a thing, and I know _he_'s never going to say anything about that to me. Never.

With the Cheerios, it got a little bit tricky. I had no idea why they had come after me _before_ I broke up with her. They always saw her so badly it really surprised me. But, who am I to say no to a cheerleader? I needed to stay popular kind of badly. And, well, going out with the two hottest girls at school can't be bad. Winning games can't be bad. Like I said, popularity is like freedom. It' hard to earn, but when you get it, it makes life so much easier. Everything was fine. _I_ was fine. So, I went out with the Cheerios.

That's when it began to get _kind of bad_.

…

The waiter didn't even take my order when I started to think... what the hell?

I didn't understand what was wrong with me. I was on a date with two Cheerios! They weren't anybody. But... what the hell? Did I make a mistake?

The second that thought entered my mind, my new world started crumbling all around me.

…

One, my dates were ignoring me. Like I wasn't even there. Like furniture or something. So they could say they went out with me. I felt I was there for nothing. Like I was the trophy, only a bad one. And cheap, because I paid. I felt like they were using me. And that didn't feel good at all.

...

Two, they were mean to me, and saying mean things about Rachel. I don't like that they were mean to me. But, hey, at least I was there. Or not. They were talking like I _wasn't_ there. I hate that.

But _no one_ is mean to Rachel. Okay, _I_ am. I did a lot of mean things. But no one else gets to be mean too her. No one else. Not even the hot and popular girls at school. Just me.

But _they_ were. Santana and Brittany had no problems being as mean as ever to her in front of me. Like I wasn't going to react. Just because we're not together anymore doesn't mean I can't defend her. I hope. Because I want to.

Rachel wants things too bad, and sometimes she goes too far and it's bad. Like with me, when she thought we were dating. Other times, she goes too far and it's a success. Like at Sectionals. She's an amazing captain... did she fire my ass from co-captainship?

She's still my friend and co-captain (if she didn't fire my sorry ass). And I can defend her, because that's what friends do. And I hate people being mean to her behind her back. I really do.

...

That night, things got _really_ bad.

I wanted to call Rachel, not to talk about what had happened today, but about _him_, and _her_. I never got any hold of her. Each time, I went straight to voice mail. That's when I started to worry. Her message was something I didn't forget. "Hey, everybody, this is Rachel Berry, future Broadway star. Due to training and exercises, I cannot respond to you right now, but feel free to leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can. If this is Finn, don't bother. You ruined more than you know, today. This time, I can't forgive you."

I froze to the core, or something like that. I could not believe what I heard. So, I tried again, and again, until her voice convinced me that this time, it was for real. I had lost much more than my girlfriend. I'd lost my _friend_, too.

She would not be here for me again, listen to me and make me feel better with her kind words. I needed her to understand everything that had happened, everything that wasn't clear to be bu now. But I had lost that, too. She isn't my girlfriend. She isn't my best friend. She isn't my friend. _What the hell did I do?_

...

I needed her back. I wanted to be with her, if it was the only way to have her be my friend, too. So I tried to rehearse something I wanted to say to her, but nothing was good. I decided to just go with the moment, and hope it works. It's still Rachel, and we're still the leads. And when she says yes, I'm going to kiss her right there, in front of everybody.

Because I'm finally _free_.

Free to do what I want, like showing real interest and dating the kindest and sweetest girl in school, my beautiful best friend Rachel Berry.

...

So, I did. I told her I wanted to date her.

...

It backfired in my face, hitting me in the chest like a rock was thrown at me. It was bad. Really, really bad. The worse that could happen.

I didn't pay real attention to her song, because I was so happy I was going out with two Cheerios. I didn't feel that pain in my heart when she went away, when I was sure she was crying. I didn't think that date could be awful, and feel so bad when I heard them talk about her. But I'm thinking about everything now. And my plan to connect with my inner rock star went back to slap me, big time. Because now I miss her, and I want to be with her for real. Craziness and everything she is, too. I miss her so much. It's only been two days, how can I miss her so much?

...

She met someone else. The star of our principal opponent at Regionals. Jesse St. James. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

...

I went to Mr. Shue, half desperate to end it, and half worried for the club. It was more, like 90 percent desperate to end it, and the rest for the club, but I was still worried. Jesse St. James is our main competition and now he's dating Rachel? We can't win if she doesn't want to win. And he can persuade her. I know he can. She has a respect for other real performer, people not like me, that always made me proud. Now, I worry that it could be fatal to us. Gosh, am I turning into her right now? I think that might be a compliment. Anyway, he told me he was going to do something about it. Hope he does.

I don't know who told the rest of the club about her and Jesse, but I'm glad it's out. That could help me... and I don't feel the least bit guilty about it. But I never felt much guilt when it comes to Rachel. Never.

...

I was sitting in class, thinking about what the club had said to her, and I was half glad, half mad. I was glad because if we all quit, she will have no one else and she will have to go our way, (okay, also my way) and leave him. But also mad, because they were mean to her. And I hate people being mean to her. Only this time, I hated it a bit less.

At the end of school, I went, not thinking by her locker, and it took me a second once I was there to realize that we really were over. That she had really said no, and all that stuff. But then, I looked down, and saw a torn out page lying on the floor, half hidden under her locker.

I really turned into her, because I took it. This page belonged to someone, and I was going to give it back.

* * *

_(Rachel)_

So, after my little song, Mr. Shue wasn't happy, but I still didn't care. It's okay, not to be happy. I'm not. But at least, I warned him. That was the main purpose in singing. If I entertained my fellow glee-clubbers in the process, then all the better.

After school, I had to go to the town library. All time it took me to get there, I could not get Madonna's words out of my mind. _Your heart is not open so I must go. The spell has been broken, I loved you so. Freedom comes when you learn to let go. Creation comes when you learn to say no. _I was like stuck on that first verse. Nothing else was on my mind. I know the rest of the song is about the pain one is feeling when one is left, and then the relief that comes when one learns to say goodbye. I had no idea how to say goodbye.

So, I plunged back into my week assignment. I knew Mr. Shue would not count my Hell rendition as work; I had to find a new one. What I found instead, in the middle of a Lionel Richie song book, changed my life.

...

Jesse St. James came to me. I was astonished.

Jesse St. James, star and lead of Vocal Adrenaline, was standing in front of me, pushing down my book, and talking to me. Everyone knew Jesse St. James, and apparently, he knew me. He had seen me, _me_, sing at Sectionals. He found flaws to my interpretation of _Don't sing on my parade_. I wasn't mad, I was honored, that someone as talented as him could even find it in him to praise, of not my work, then my voice. He said I had talent. Talent. I didn't know what to say next.

So I listened, as he told me things about himself. Like how he likes to read biographies, how he will be on the road to his dream by next fall, how much he wants to have that fourth consecutive National Choir Championship trophy. I listened, and never interrupted, from fear to annoy him and awe to have him speaking to me. Meeting a choir legend was something for the ages.

When he offered to sing with me, I was very nervous, and borderline embarrassed. What if he didn't like my interpretation now? That wasn't something I could recover from in the foreseeable future.

He's so marvelous! He gives back, concerts for the homeless, and doesn't know nervousness anymore. Here a sign to a real professional.

When the first notes of _Hello_ echoed into the room, I looked around, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. But then, we flew over the song, in an effortless performance, like we were destined to sing together forever. No work were necessary, no corrections, nothing to lessen the way our voices melted together. Flawless.

_Is he the one I was looking for?_

...

Time had stopped. He wanted to sing with me again. We will. Friday night.

...

All of the sudden, those lyrics I had inn my head yesterday made perfect sense. Finn was asking me to take him back, and the lyrics came back into my head.

_T__he spell had been broken_, I'm not under his charm anymore. Thanks to Jesse._  
I loved you so_, but now, I have moved on. Thanks to Jesse._  
Freedom comes when you learn to let go_, and now, I am free to be with someone else, someone who really appreciates me. Like Jesse._  
Creation comes when you learn to say no_, and that is why I did, because I wanted to create something more, something without all this pain I felt for so long. Jesse saved me.

I met someone else, and he's perfect for me. Thank you for appearing into my life when I needed it the most. Thank you, Jesse.

I owe you more than you could ever _imagine_.

I think I love you _already_.


	21. NO

**This is the last part I made for _Hell-O to the NO_. Not that great a name, ugh? It's just to link the chapters together. I'm finally introducing a mini story-arc I've been working on. Credit for first giving me the idea goes to _hannah-jennifer_. If you're still reading this, I don't know if you remember, or if you will recognize it, but I still want to thank you. Rachel's part is very small, but I had to end it there. **

**Thanks for the support and the reviews!**

**

* * *

**

_(Finn)_

I picked that page up, and saw it was folded in half. I opened it, and recognized Rachel's handwriting very quickly. I looked away, I didn't want to read something I wasn't supposed to. It was how I was raised. To be polite and respectful. Not really something I had been with her lately. So, I was going to start right now. I just had to give it back to her, and all would be _okay_.

That night, I stayed up almost all night. I so wanted to call her, but I knew I couldn't do it. I was not her friend anymore. She could not help me. so, I tried to help myself. I thought about everything going on in my life right now, _him_, _her_, the _kid_. I thought about what was important to me, and what was not. I thought about Rachel a lot.

I realized it wasn't Quinn I needed to get over. Gosh, when I think about how we started going out… I'm surprised it went on so long. Well, not that surprised. Reputation and a lot of things came into the picture. And most still do. But, well, we were never truly attached. It had stated as some sort of game, I think. Maybe it's the wrong term, but she had come after me. I didn't go after her. Or after anyone else.

It's not her. It's Drizzle I have to get over. That is going to be harder than I thought. It was easy, when we were on Holiday break, to think about something, anything else. Well, now, I'll have to go on every day and see the kid that was supposed to be _mine_. Mine. How do you get over something like losing a child? Even if she wasn't really mine, for two months she _was_. Gosh, it's so screwed up! I'm so fucking screwed up! I'm not making a fucking sense. Quinn was right. I am an idiot. I care about a child that _isn't_ mine. Even if she was…

But the thing is, it doesn't really matter. The whole thing was humiliating. I had been screwed over. Other than that, my feelings for Quinn were gone. I hated her lies, and his too, and that was it. I was not heartbroken because she had cheated. I was heartbroken because I was betrayed, and humiliated. Plus, it's not like I want to be friends with them anytime soon, so if one day I can forgive her, maybe one day, I will. He'll never be my friend again, no matter what. Only Drizzle was innocent in all this. And she's not Drizzle anymore. I can't call that kid Drizzle. She's not mine. I finally realized that she is not mine. I know she's there, because we can all see Quinn's baby bump, but she's not mine. It still hurts a bit, but it feels like Quinn. One day, I'll be totally okay with it. Realizing that grief made it kind of go away. Until then, it's okay. _I don't really care anymore_.

All I care about is Rachel. More than I thought I would. I reacted hard when she told me she met someone else, and a friend has to be supportive. I know I'm not her friend anymore, but that's not the point. Point is, I know I feel more than friendship. I do. It's been there, I don't really know what, but it's been there for a long time. Before holiday break. I think before Thanksgiving. I think when we last sang, the two of us, the _No Air_ duet in the auditorium. The story I never finished, because I didn't want to. I was scared of what I felt with her. I still am, because I don't know what it is. But I know the only important thing is her. I want to show her that I can be a good boyfriend. So, maybe, she will break up with Jesse and be with me for good. She is the one I want to kiss, and not just because she likes me. but also because I like her, too. So, I'm gonna show her, tomorrow. If she wants to have a crazy cat calendar, then it's okay. if she wants to talk too much, then it's okay. If she wants to be high min… ma… I don't remember that damn word, then that's okay. I want to be with her. _Because I like her._

…

I didn't think about anything else all day. I even had her page, ready for me to give it to her. I never read it. Part of the new respect I wanted to show her. All I could think about was asking her again, this time do a better job, and get her back. Because I wanted her back. I didn't want anyone else. Just her. And everything would be okay _again_.

…

I had to wait until the afternoon to find her alone.

Relief came over me when she told me she broke up with him. I'm not the one who told everyone about her and Jesse, but I will be the one telling everyone that it's over. I had an occasion, maybe the only one, before she met someone else. She was so quick I had no time to think about anything. I told her I only wanted to date her for real, be a real couple, with dates in that crazy cats calendar. Bur then, she said she could not be a real couple with me. That the team couldn't handle more drama. Taking one for the team. Like that never happened to me. I wanted to yell 'hell with the team', but that was not possible. She was single because of it, and it was not just me. It was her, too. If she didn't want to be with me, I could never force her to do it. I won't give up. She knows I _won't_ give up.

I didn't get mad at her, I was more pissed at me. I just said I'd see her at rehearsal, and I did. It was all about learning the song anyway, so okay be me.

…

I went home really sad. I tried my best to hide it. The shock of her answer slowly got away. Then, holding back my tears became impossible.

I went home in a fury. I wanted to kick things, but mostly myself, because karma had come back and bitten me in the ass big time. I wanted to tear up her page, and never give it to her. I wanted…

Looking at it, I felt calm almost instantly. That piece of pink paper, which belonged to her, calmed me. It never happened before. Never.

I opened the page, so curious it got all the respect I had flying out the window. I needed to read what was on, see why that thing had an effect on me.

So, I sat down, picked it up from my desk, and opened it. My eyes detected my _name_. She had written my name. With her little hands. The date in the right up corner dated it back to early November. And then, it slipped from my hands.

'_Love_'. _Love_ was written. She had written back in November that she loved me. _Literally_. Suddenly, it hit me. Like a bolt of lightning. Everything became clear. Everything that had been so mixed up before. All the feelings that had been shaken to the core just before Sectionals. I had been mixing it all. Love, hate, grief, anger. Rachel had been on the wrong end of the stick. I had gotten mad at her. I had broken up because her attempts to win me back seemed always too much. And it was. I realize that now. She _never_ had to win me back. She had me all along. I never should have ended it. I made a mistake, dad. A big one. A very big one. I'm in love, dad. I'm in love with her. Have been... probably for a long time. I'm in love with Rachel Berry.

Everything was back. The gut feeling, the good-sick I had felt once or twice before. Last time, I was so nervous I had puked. I thought it was because of the flip-flops my stomach was doing, but I was never more wrong. Now, feeling it a bit again reading her note again and again, it only felt great. Like the kind of sick I'd love to feel every day

When we last kissed, after our duet, I was afraid. I was feeling so much more for Rachel than for the girlfriend I was supposed to be in love with. I was never in love with Quinn. Never. I never told Rachel what her song had done to me really, but one day, I hope I can. She needs to know it changed my life. But it's not something I can just drop one day. It's not fair, not to me, not to her. I'll have to wait for that, wait for her to change her mind, and choose me. Like I chose her a long time ago.

I did something I never have before, dad. I went back, and looked in the memoirs for signs that can tell me when I started to like her. I had to go back several months! Bowling alley far. Oh. My. God. I never realized I liked, and loved her, for _so_ long…

…

I fell in love with my best friend. I never noticed. It was so easy. She moved on, but I don't want to. I'm not going to even try. I know this is going to be hard, but it was hard for her as well. I fell in love with my best friend, and I had my head so far up my ass I only understood it when it was too late. Being in love is a wonderful feeling, and I don't want to forget, even if it's very difficult. I don't know what can be better than being in love with her, dad. Wish me luck, and watch over me, wherever you are. Because I am in love with Rachel Berry and I am not giving up on her. Never. You just don't give up on the people you _love_.

…

If I could go back to finding that page, be an ass _one more time_, and read it. I would have said those three little words that could make me or break me forever. The same little words I had seen, written with her hand, her pencil, on her page. She would be with me, now. Because I would have said it back. No one could stop loving in one day. I didn't love Quinn, and it still loads of time. Now, I have to respect her, and what she wants. Gosh, dad, if I could go back in time, I would not miss her so damn much…

…

I decided to return the favor, even after she had turned me down. I was sure she didn't know she lost her page to begin with, but I just had to let her know there was someone that felt that strongly for _her_. I had planned to just write it and leave it for her to see, but her rejection changed my plans. I didn't want her to recognize my handwriting as fast I as I had hers. I didn't want to leave it for her to see in plain sight. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I typed a few lines on my computer, printed it, and cut the page to make it fit a pocket book. I thought about where I could leave it, and decided for a class book, one of the ones I didn't have with her. Since we had only Spanish, it wasn't that hard. I didn't want to have to see her reaction at first discovering my note, even less if she thought her _actual_ boyfriend had written it to her. This would be difficult, but I knew nothing I would do for her would be easy. Especially not now. So, the next day, I went to school early, and, pretexting to look for something for glee, I opened her locker, hoping she had not changed the code yet. I placed the note far inside her biggest book. I didn't touch anything else, and closed it just in time to go to mine before I saw her coming in. All I have to do is wait. And _hope_.

…

It killed me to see that she avoided me now. It killed me to see that in saying no one time too many, she had given up on me. I don't really blame her, with all she's been through because of me. But I never gave up on her. I always thought she would be there for me, be my friend and everything. I never thought I could be destroying the best friendship I ever had. I loved her when she was too honest with me, it almost made me mad. I loved her when she told me I wasn't stupid, and that I just had a good heart. I was stupid. And she was honest. I lost the only one who never expected me to be anything more than her friend. Never the quarterback, never the jock, never anyone. Just her friend. I lost _her_.

It's way more painful than all the humiliation I felt with Quinn and the whole mess with all that. It's something I'll always regret. It's hard. I don't know what to do. Can you help me, dad? I'm feeling really, really _low_.

When we danced together in our costumes, for the Beatles song we had all picked out, it was like torture. She was avoiding me, I could tell. She didn't want to touch me more than necessary. She didn't want to be near me. She didn't want to have anything to do with me. But I wanted her to touch me, to feel by heart beating faster when she's near, and my palms getting sweaty when I take her hand. I had to force myself to calm down, and it's the first time I ever had to use the mailman for something other than usual… I needed him to calm me down, and not react to her at all. She had moved on, I had no right to do any other thing. I wanted to yell. I wanted to cry. I was half dumb on her beauty, half mad because I had messed it up all by myself. If I didn't feel the need, a week ago, to just be myself without anyone, she would still be with me. I could say to her everything I want, I could circle every little date in her crazy calendar, i could be kissing her every time I want to. But instead, I have to suck it up, hope that she will get back to me. I know she loved me, for real. Now, it's my turn, and it's never been so painful and so wonderful at the same time. I wish there was hope for me, but after that sort of epiphany a few days ago, I don't think I can stop loving her. I really don't. If only seeing her leave the auditorium at the end of the song had not brought tears into my eyes… I had to hold them back, and look more embarrassed, when I just wanted to cry.

I can never use her words to remind her of what she wrote. This isn't fair, to either of us. And I want her happy, even if it kills me. She writes like she's in pain but she loves me anyway. All I can do is to return the favor. It has to come from her, no pressure. One change, though. I could/will let her know someone here is in love with her. So she'll never be alone anymore. This is love. And I'm fully prepared to endure it all... bliss and pain. Until, I hope, we can share kisses of requited love. I'll be patient. She never broke my heart _first_. I hope, with all I have, that she'll _never _do it.

* * *

_(Rachel)_

Someone told the entire glee club who my new boyfriend was. No one knows, except for Finn. I can't believe he'd do that. Be like this with me, because I finally said no. or maybe his half-done plea for me was just another way to play with my heart and my emotions, before he could humiliate me once again if I had said yes. I can't believe he's do that. I guess our friendship is really over.

He was not the problem with the glee club. I thought they would be supportive, after all I've been through with Finn, and after I explained that Jesse and me are for real, and not dangerous. But that was to no avail. They are all threatening to quit, or to replace me. I can't be replaced. I'm the captain elected, the star of the club, we won Sectionals because of me. If they want to be sunk, okay, but I will not succumb to pressure. This isn't who I am. No one is going to dictate my way of life. No one.

What was really astonishing is that Ms. Sylvester had the opposite opinion on the matter. She convinced me to stay with Jesse, because I have no idea how many chances at love I will ever get. So, I will.

I will make sure it's me he wants, I will make sure I know the type of relationship we have. Then, I will make sure I keep it hidden, and win my club back. Then, I will make sure they understand, before telling them we reconciled. But, first thing first.

…

When Finn asked me again, he said I don't give up that easily.

I almost let it out in my head. _I don't want you to_. But I refused to let it emerge, and ruin everything. He didn't want me, now I don't want him. I think we were _never_ meant to be. The timing was always off. I think it's better this way. I do.

…

Then I remembered.

Jesse laughing because he said I was more a drama queen than him. Two drama queens, it makes for a pretty interesting mash-up.

He respected what I wanted, when I said that no one could know. As long as he's in Vocal Adrenaline, I have to keep this relationship a secret. Very Romeo and Juliet, with Vocal Adrenaline as the Montague and New Directions as the Capulet. But it's okay. No one says love has to be easy. If this is important to me, then I will do everything I have to in order to protect myself and Jesse.

He was honest about his feelings, saying he was already nuts about me. I feel the same way about him. He was my light in this endless tunnel. He is my light. Jesse St. James, the one from Vocal Adrenaline, loves my talent and my voice. Jesse, the simple guy, loves me for who I am. High maintenance, drama queen. Everything that I am. He said he would never _hurt_ me, and I believe him. You don't hurt someone you love. Love doesn't work that way.

Then, he took me in his arms, and I felt safe there. Safe from the outside world, safe from all the troubles at school, just _safe_. Best for last, in the Carmel high school auditorium, we had our first kiss. Slow, and sweet and passionate. He was with me, and only me.

I have a boyfriend, now, Alyssa. A real one, who respects me, and loves me for who I am. His name is Jesse St. James. He's the star of Vocal Adrenaline, and the only boy who can really understand me. I wish you could have met him. He is _everything_ to me.


	22. Madonna

**I wanted two parts instead of three for the episode, but life wasn't okay with my plans. I didn't want to make you wait longer. So, here it is. ****Girls rule! Rachel goes first.**

**I love angst. I could go on forever, with enough material. So, when _Power of Madonna_ came along… I had to stop myself. Literally. I love writing Rachel 'in love' with Jesse. Like I was back to _Vitamin D_, writing her high or something. She's all 'he's perfect', and 'it's how it's supposed to be'. Well, I don't like Jesse, so I'm lucky not to have to write him, too. 'Cause I'm sure you'd say he's an ass _every single time_…**

**Thanks for the support and the reviews!  
**

* * *

(Rachel)

Yesterday, I discovered a side of Jesse I never realized he had. We were barely back from our date, and making out on my bed, when he just told me that we should do it. That we should have _sex_. I accept that he had sexual partners before, but I still am a virgin, and my _first_ time is a big deal to me. _Every_ time is a big deal to me. He wanted that from me, like I had to do it with him because we were going out now. I know he has _needs_, and it's okay to have them but he didn't understand that I wasn't ready yet. He didn't understand _my_ need to wait. He just got mad, got up and left me just like that. He never understood, he never stopped. I realize that we are very alike and that being egoistical is part of who we are, but I never saw this side of him before. Where was the nice and sweet boy that took me on our first real date just two weeks ago?

Where was the boy I had been impatient to meet again, as he came to my house to pick me up on that cold January evening? It had taken me forever to get ready, to curl my hair, choose my clothes, and add a light touch of makeup to the ensemble? I had taken my time to make sure I was beautiful for him, and he had said so when he had looked at me going down the stairs. He had then taken me to dinner in a refined place outside of town, and just let me choose whatever I wanted. It was one of the best meals I ever had. He had complimented me once again on my appearance, and we had just talked like the two parts of a soul that we are, and kissed every time we had an opportunity.

After dinner, he had taken me to one of his charities, when he had arranged for us to sing. I had been nervous again, to sing without any rehearsal, but it just came naturally with him, his perfect voice blending and accompanying mine flawlessly. He sang a solo, and I had all the leisure in the world to assess, and admire his perfect pitch and the range of his voice. I sang a solo and I was so emotional to be singing in front of him, it was like being on stage for me. I never had stage fright, and all the nervousness I had been feeling just went away. He made them go away, just by being him. He brought me home again after too short a time, and kissed me for the last time on my porch. This is a night I will never forget, and treasure like one of my most precious memories.

So yesterday, I wondered. Did he always get like that after two perfect weeks? Did he always have everything he wanted, and my refusal just wasn't part of his plan, and made him react badly? I want to be ready for him, but I'm not just yet. I've been fifteen years old for a little bit more than seven weeks, my not being ready yet is perfectly understandable. Still, it hurt me badly that he reacted like that to what I had said. I was always honest, and I never wanted to rush into anything. I am in this relationship for the long haul, there is no need to just do it now.

…

I cried all weekend. I had been a bad girlfriend in not attending to his needs as much as he had been attending to mine. I will be ready for him, I will very soon. I just wish he'd call me, and tell me that everything's okay, that my behavior didn't prematurely end things between us. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don't want him to leave. I do feel like we're two parts of the same artistic soul, and that is a wonderful feeling. I hope he'll forgive me.

…

Today, I exposed my problem to other members of the group. I didn't say who I was dating, as they all think I broke it off with Jesse. So, it was just someone else.

Santana and Brittany just said 'never say no'. I'm not that kind of person, the one that just sleeps around. Mercedes had liked Kurt last, so she had no knowledge to help me with my dilemma. She was impatient to be in _my_ shoes. That was weird, but I understand. The best we all cold come up with is the disrespect the guys show us. We do everything to respect them, but they show no reciprocity. Jesse bullied me into something I wasn't ready for. Artie insisted on wardrobe and attitude changes from Tina, if she wanted to go out with him. Ms. Pillsbury was of no use at all. Mr. Shue was astonished that we had so much trouble. None of us were surprised, being a guy he never understood how hard it is for us sometimes.

It was like revolution had started for us when we got our assignment for the week. Madonna.

No more bullying, no more disrespect, no more sexism, and no more misogyny. Welcome to strength, confidence, independence, and even more, equality!

So, of course, the boys had no idea – sometimes literally – what we talking about. I'd like to see them in a dress for change, and experience everything we do on a daily basis. If they're not crying at the end of the day, then they really have a hard skin. And I don't think any guy in glee could resist a day in a girl's shoes. Not Puck, general bad ass and principal opponent to this week's assignment, not Artie with his demands, not Matt and Mike that just enjoy anonymity and the same status level they always had, and not Finn, because not understanding exactly what is thrown doesn't mean not catching the meaning. Not a guy.

So when Puck continued not to want to participate because he couldn't see Madonna transcribed to show choir, I took it upon me to prove him wrong. I just sang a song, and will be putting it into a number for them all to see how _expressive_ girls can be. Time they _understood_.

…

Yeah, I think they did.

But now, I have another problem. Everyone knows I'm still dating Jesse.

I don't know who told Finn, but I saw I hurt him. I know he hates lies, but I could not risk it. He tried to be nice to me these last two weeks, and it just made me uncomfortable because I was lying to him. I hate to lie to Finn. I stopped being his friend when he broke up with me, but when he asked me if I was dating Jesse I lied again, trying to save a friendship that was more important to me than I believed it now was.

When he caught my lie, I didn't know what to do. He was very frank and honest with me, and I couldn't be with him. He knew I lied. I think he knows me better than I realized, and that if I ever lie again, I'm going to have to do a better job at it. He'd never think I'd lie to him. Well, neither did I. but it didn't prevent my doing it.

I know he tried to save our friendship the last two weeks, and that's what gave me the courage to ask him to trust me as a friend. I could see it in his expression that he didn't want to do it. he didn't want to trust me, because of my lies. I can understand that very well. We talked for so long about the lies he's been fed for two months I could understand it very well. But still, once again, he tried. He really wanted to be a friend to me, after what I had done. It may seem like I'm just bashing myself over a detail, Al, but I promised myself when he asked me to his house at five in the morning that I would never lie to him. He trusted me then, and he trusts me now.

I can't let that chance at being friends with him pass. I can't let anything happened to our team, especially if Jesse asks something like that of me. I love Jesse, but I can't help to try and be the best captain of my team I can be. I don't know what would happen if I didn't. I know Finn and I would never be friends again. It's like a last chance he gave me. I don't know what I'd do if Jesse made me choose between him and the club. I need them both.

So now, I can't lie anymore.

…

At least I think the message in the mash-up we did after that was heard. Letting me go is the only sign I need from Finn.

All the rest, the tension, the misunderstandings, the feelings I had for him, I can handle. He just needs to _let me go_.

* * *

_(Finn)_

Mr. Shue was mad today. I don't know where he got that, but he was mad today. At us, the boys. He clearly said what we had done wrong. What a list.

_Disrespectful_. One who shows no respect. No respect… like when Rachel said no and I still try to make it okay? She's single, I don't see how that is a problem. She went after me, and I wasn't single. If I'm showing none, then she did too. I don't see how trying to repair friendship first and the rest after is showing no respect. She never said she didn't want to. She just said she didn't want to date. Uh…

_Bullying_. One who forces things with power or fear. Yeah. I know what it's like. From both sides. Force the girls into what? Is that Artie, who was talking the other day about what he told Tina? He just wanted a change, because he's not that into black. He's into her, but I can't blame him for wanting to see colors on something else than her face or her hair. He said she had to change, or he can't date her. Is that fear, or power? Is Artie a bully? Was I one when I tried to make Rachel accept everything like I wanted them to be?

_Sexist_. One who believes women to be inferior, or is prejudiced (I had to look it up, too) against them. Inferior in what? I don't get that. Most of the girls have better grades than I do, they sing better, and know how to dance. They're more like superior. I don't know what a girl should not do. I saw my mom do everything for me. I really don't know. But again, I'm not the only guy in glee, so, I know it's not just about me.

The last one I had to look up to understand. Misogynistic. _One who hates women_. I don't know how you can hate women. They are Nature's best invention! I never hated any women. You can hate someone, but not because they're women, just because they did something wrong. That happened a lot lately. Quinn, Puck, me. I don't hate women, you can't when you love one. That's just how it is.

I never thought I treated girls badly. I never went after any of them until Rachel said no and I never said anything bad when they passed me on the hallway. I heard plenty, but it's just not me. But here it is, dad, sad examples of bad behavior.

The song Rachel pulled out of her hat was very clear. What was the name of the song, again? Yeah. _Express yourself_. With lyrics like that, the message went alright. I didn't know that many songs that could be offensive to boys. Here's one. I spend the entire song in the auditorium not looking at them. Because the second I saw how hot almost every girl looked, I started to show _respect_. And not watch. I don't want to stare. And imagine things I should not imagine… no, I'm not going there.

…

Santana came after me _again_.

She wants to go out, just the _two of us_.

Then she made it clear that she wanted _more_ than a lame dinner at Breadsticks.

When I didn't catch exactly what she wanted with me, she just said it to my face. She went on about how I was dressing bad, and how it showed everyone that I'm still a virgin. I'm not ashamed of that, it just never worked with the only two girls I wanted. And with Quinn, it was just like lust or something. Like a sign we were dating for the good reasons, and that I should get something in return. That way of thinking got me nowhere, did it? My mind rarely went to sex when it came to Rachel. I was never impatient with her. It was more than that. Sex has to mean something, or it's just, I don't know, bad. You have to love the one you're doing it with. If any guy could read me, I'd get _bullied_ for writing things like that. I see so much guys just getting on with Cheerios and just being happy about it like it's not a big deal or something. If they knew…

But then she just said something that hit me. She talked about Rachel and Jesse, and how they were dating. I never thought Rachel could lie to me. She _can't_ lie to me. I _don't_ believe it.

Santana has a point. She treats sex as just sex and the rest is win-win for her. She doesn't care about me, or what I get out of, like making Rachel jealous. I don't know. I'm not egoistic.

I don't think I could do that to Rachel. She's never done anything to me, except say no.

…

I wanted to know if Santana was right. Turns out, she _is_.

Rachel lied to me. I never thought she could do that. She knows how I _hate_ being lied to.

And then she asked me to _trust_ her.

I don't know why I said okay, but I said okay this time. I was mad, and hurt, but I tried to let it pass. I'm not going to trust my friend. I'm going to trust my co-captain. And then if that Jesse and Rachel thing turns out to be bad for all of us, she will lose every whence she got to turn me into her friend again. It's just me talking one for the team. The same way I've taken lots for the rest of the group. This time, I feel like it's the good way to go. She wants to date him, it's not fine by me but it's not my decision. If she lets something bad happen to all of us because she puts him before the rest of the group, then she'll see just how loyal I can be. If I lose her friendship forever, then I'll accept it. I came back to glee ready to really be a co-captain. Everything I did for my teams before, I'd do for glee. I'm gonna try, and see how it goes. I don't care how bad it makes me feel, it's just what every captain has to do. _Team first, you last._


End file.
